Well you guys know that I’ve been seeing Cern, the new FWB.
I’ve also been in contact with Scotty a lot over the last week – about the upcoming Vegas trip next year, Burning Man and my accommodation for both.
So let’s start with Scotty, shall we?
I was chatting to him the other day saying that I was thinking of staying at the Golden Nugget in Fremont because it’s one of my favourite hotels in Vegas when he mentioned that I should be aware that I may end up cancelling the room. Prior to all this he had said that I would be cancelling any room I booked. So that was flag number one for me. I knew his new fiance wasn’t feeling quite ok with me. Which is fair enough. If I were in her shoes and some blast from the past was coming to town I’d be feeling a bit unbalanced too. I pre-date her in his love. I get it, it doesn’t hurt less though.
So I asked him then if he would be ok with me messaging her on facebook to reach out before I go there so that maybe we can start up a friendship and she may feel a bit more comfortable that I’m not coming to town to mess up their relationship and that I’m not a threat of any kind. He said he thought it was a wonderful idea and that she’s be totally open to that.
Cue my writing her a message 4 days ago.
4 days of silence.
I started to cry every time I thought about it 2 days ago.
I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.
Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.
Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.
I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…
I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me, then I have to slap myself out of it.
But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.
Tag Loki, you’re it.