When you lose a family member

For me, my urban family is probably closer to me than my actual family and losing one of them so harshly 5 years ago today hasn’t made this date any easier to bear.

I miss her face. I miss her cheeky smile and most of all, I miss her bear hugs and wit. I miss the way she made me dance with my eyes closed for hours without trying.

Hold onto those you love, whisper what they mean to you because sometimes you just don’t know when they will be gone.

Carpe diem my dears, carpe diem.

Here’s what I wrote last year …

Mental health services available:

Twenty 10 – GLBTIQ youth counselling and other services

Reach Out

Mental health services Australia

Mental Health Services NSW

Beyond Blue – mental health support


Four years – it’s never goodbye my friend… it’s I’m going to see you soon.

Four years ago today my world fractured a wee bit and this morning when I opened my phone and I had a reminder of the anniversary I swallowed hard. 4 years. Where has the time gone? I still remember your smell.

4 years ago today, I got a call from one of my very close friends, J or better known as Mistress Ultra of Hellfire, our Mandy was missing.

I was confused. What do you mean missing? How can she be missing? I saw her not that long ago. She isn’t missing. She can’t be missing. What do you mean missing?


Mandy, at the decks, taken at Hellfire August 2009 (stolen from the Hellfire Facebook)

I was glad I was sitting at this stage. I was advised that no one as seen her since the night before. Her ex-partner at the time was beside herself with worry. J’s tension and worry was making her voice waver over the phone. I swallowed the lump in my throat and pushed the tears in my eyes away.

So what do we know I asked. J advised that no one knows anything yet. The police are looking into it. She went out the night before and that was all we knew.

The tenterhooks started that day.

My already failing relationship took a nose dive for the worst. And the less we heard about what was going on the bigger the hole I fell into.

I used to scoff at people who said they were depressed. I didn’t get it.¬†Believe me, by the end of the week I knew what rock bottom was like.

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