18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

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Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

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The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

32

Scotty : The low down

I spent this morning connecting with all my men that were overseas. My best friend always and sometimes lover, J and Scotty. So based on that I thought I should go into details about things I may have omitted before.

I’ve also finished chapter 1 of my American travels – but I wanted to go over my friendship/relationship/whatever-ship with Scotty. You can get access to all the travel stories through the new menu option up the top that I’ve made for all my debauchery.

What I didn’t go into with my posts about my sexual exploits across America was my relationship with Scotty. I touched on it, but since 2011 we have been in contact. He asked me to marry him continuously for just over a year after I came back.

I never took him seriously, I thought he was caught up in some holiday romance and that he’d find someone close to home that would love him as much as he needs and deserves to be loved. Last year after my breakup I was seriously considering his offer. I was going to go to Vegas and marry him, to hell with the consequences. I knew we got along, I knew we had amazing sex and I thought for once in my life I was going to do something that was so out of character for me that would make my life turn on its head for once. I was going to marry him. Right after I went and did Mardi Gras I was going to spend time with him in we’d finally go get hitched and then I’d have to sort out the rest of my life and how we were going to make it work. Except I met Loki and it didn’t work that way.

We often joked while I was there that we’d get married and I wanted it to be a classy affair. In a bright pink Cadillac. Through the drive through registry. I said that I’d give him a congratulatory blow job before we’d even pulled out of the registry drive through window with the hood down. I’m such a classy bitch sometimes. We joked and laughed so hard I had tears. He joked that he would introduce me to his friends as his future ex-wife, until I said that if I do get married it’s a forever deal. There is no future ex-wife. I’m only doing this marriage thing once if I have to and by golly he was fucking stuck with me if we did. He stopped saying that after that discussion and just started referring to me as wife.

Obviously our lives were led differently. I never felt like we were in a relationship where you talk every day, you check in, you chat about nonsensical things. If I saw him post on Facebook about something that interested us both, we’d have a chat about it on messenger. If he sounded like he was having a rough day, I’d message him to see if there was anything I could do to help. Today he had a rough day to do with his family. I sent him virtual hug pictures. We thought of each other, we are connected, yet through the last 3 years I guess the reason I didn’t take his marriage offers seriously was because I never felt that he actually wanted me. There was no pursuing, no barrage of contact, no communication. Yet when we did communicate, once a month or so, it was like we’d never stopped talking. Today was no different. So a little part of me that I left with him aches because I feel that I might have missed something there. I didn’t pursue it hard enough, did I miss something?

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But I guess for me, what was different was that being the way I am and having my own pitfalls and baggage, I thought he just wasn’t interested in me enough for me to pack my bags and fly to another country. For if I felt that he felt that strongly I think I would have done it years ago. Isn’t it funny how words, with distance, need that constant reassurance that you are desired and wanted. For me, there was none of that. I heard the words “marry me” but I didn’t see or feel the follow through with it. Would I have acted differently if he had pursued me a bit harder? Yeah, I think I would have.

He is now engaged to a lovely lady and they are deeply in love and obviously well suited for each other. He dreams of a poly household where we all live together. As it is, I’m adamant I’m going to Burning Man next year. He said he is organising a trailer that sleeps nine so I am to camp with them. I’m hoping that the tickets come through and if they do then camping together is going to be interesting.

He wants me to move to Vegas because I mentioned that I’m a bit starved of affection here. There is just no one that holds my interest, no one that I want to spend time with and no one to give me cuddles. I feel so isolated. He said if I lived there with them that I would have all the love in the world. And I believe him.

So then the question becomes where do we go from here? For me it’s still one step at a time, I need to finish my degree before I can even look at moving overseas since I can’t really get a visa without a job and I can’t get a job that will sponsor me without my Science degree.

Does this change the things as they are? No, not really. I’m still not dating anyone. I’m not going to. I think I just want to focus on me, getting myself fitter, better mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place once I feel better in myself. I know this.

What do I do with Scotty? What we’ve always done. He’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always think of him and have that piece ache. Will he ever have his happy poly family? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I think I need to do more soul-searching before I can answer that question.

But for now I’ll give him my love, because I give that freely anyway to those I feel deserve my time and energy. And remember to give myself some loving too.