13

Discombobulation. Sexual satiation and bliss.

Discombobulated – disconcerted – euphoric – ecstasy – intoxicated – heady – sexual – achy – blissed out… these are just some of the words that may explain where I am today.

Yesterday saw Cern talk me into going to trivia with him and some of his friends. He said the magic word, steak… and I was hooked. But apparently I had to have a garish Hawaiian shirt and a sparkly hat for the xmas theme. We did a spot of shopping and had a really lovely night, trivia was entertaining, his friends were also entertaining. I was glad I let him talk me into going out.

We had some really interesting conversations during him getting us very lost on our way to the other side of the harbour. We may have admitted to caring about each other just a wee bit a few days ago and I explained that usually in relationships I am never this open, or accessible or actually ok with a lover of mine sleeping with other women. Let’s put that down to the last 9 years of monogamous relationships. Poly is hard when it’s been so long! But, as I said to him, I don’t often get jealous of his telling me about other girls he’s dated or seen or talked to or hooked up with. I sometimes get a twinge of something which usually relates to my self value about myself more so than anything he was saying or doing, but it’s nothing like what I was used to and he asked me why I was so ok with him and the way our openness is at the moment.

I had to think about that for a while. And I honestly think it comes down to the fact that I trust him to tell me the truth and he has been, without pulling punches or becoming all vague like most men do because they don’t want to say what they are feeling in the fear that they are going to lose out on the sex. He just tells me stuff. And I appreciate that so bloody much. And that, I think, in and of itself is why I am so centered. I’m really secure. I know where I stand with him. I know that whoever else he’s seeing or dating isn’t going to impact us and that makes me know we’re good.

We still haven’t defined our friendship apart from what it is we’re doing right now. Even so, I’m ok. Surprisingly so. For some reason I feel safe with him and that’s all that matters to me now. Like he said to me, I realise that the level of openness I’ve given him access to could have blown up in my face… but I’ve spent years and years and years hiding behind walls. Being hurt is a part of life, if it doesn’t work at least I know I did this the way I would want any future relationship to be like. With total openness, honesty and caring. Whether he finds someone else that sweeps him off his feet or not, that’s beside the point. Right now, I’m happy. I’m happy with where I am with him. I’m beyond happy with the sexual chemistry and he smells good. Good gods he smells good. I could get used to smelling that man a lot.

We talked about a few other things too, but you know me guys, some things I like to play close to my chest. The rest is going to keep my insides warm for a while longer before I share with y’all.

However! Today… Today is blissful.

It’s that feeling you get from getting fucked so well and hard all night until the wee hours of the morning so that the next day at work your body feels small aches and pains, the twinge in your cunt from the bruised pelvis. The slight ache in your lower back from where he applied all his weight to slam into you harder from behind. The beautiful tremble in your neck when you stretch because he had his teeth biting down in that one spot. Remembering his moans as he kept sliding back into you and feeling the charged sexual energy between you.

Last night was an interesting rediscovery after his injury.

At first we were both a bit unsure, I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had and he was a bit anxious about if it was going to hurt. But just to be on the safe side I ended up swatting in the shower, with my back against the tiled walls as the water ran over him and sucked his cock. There’s something to be said about being pushed up against a wall while someone throat fucks you. It was hot. I gagged, spluttered, nearly drowned and every time he pulled out of my mouth I whimpered at the loss and leaned out after it with an open mouth for more.

Before long we’d moved ourselves into the bedroom and being the bastard he was, he made me stand, legs spread and made me count out the orgasms until 21. At which point he said I’m done and my legs gave out and I may have knelt in front of him while he was sitting on my bed. And so I went back to doing what I love doing, sating my oral fixation by worshiping his cock some more.

The sex – well, let’s just say that I think he’s making me realise some things that I obviously had no idea about previously. So as much as he says that I’m teaching him a lot, I think he’s also teaching me quite a lot too. His hands still electrify me, I don’t know what it is, they are so big and warm and make me tingle from the inside out. Or maybe from the outside in. Either way he man has a way with his hands and my body has a mind of it’s own when he applies said hands to me – all I can do is hold on for the ride. From the 4am surprise sex that was a bit magical to me. There was something different about our coming together at 4am. I don’t know what it was, but it felt like he was radiating desire. It’s like I was being wrapped up in his raw animal lust and desire and sexuality and it was intoxicating. I felt lost in it, to the point that I couldn’t get enough of him. He couldn’t get any deeper inside of me yet I wanted more. The orgasms were continuous, like a summer thunderstorm. I felt cleansed, dirtied, used, ravenous, fulfilled, desired and wanted all in one go.

Which may explain why I feel the way I do today.

images

I’m kinda glad that I took the chance even though I know not where our paths are headed.

16

Sex Accidents: I hurt what?! !!!!

You know those times you are busy fucking so hard, so fast and so often that you feel that your gentials are constantly entangled and may not survive being separated for long periods of time? I’m pretty sure that’s where we were at… And since he said I could post about it but will suffer the consequences, I hope you all realise the pain I’m putting myself into for your reading pleasure.

Anyway, a few weeks ago Cern and I were having a marathon sex session. Not that many of our sex sessions aren’t marathon… but that’s beside the point.

Cern learned something that no one has done so far to me, that if he makes me cum over hours and hours of sexing my entire body becomes electrified and when he touches me, I start to shake. If he touches me in certain spots I feel like there’s a current running from his big warm hands into my body, under the layer of my skin. It feels like my cells are sparking and making me jittery. My stomach knots up, my whole body has this reaction to him that I have no control over. He found it delightful. I found it disconcerting. He started to run his fingers up and down my spine, from the base all the way up to my neck. And being that my neck is super sensitive without the rest of me being electrified; so with the way my body was my neck felt like he had ripped my skin off and was playing with my nerve endings that led straight into my panties. I shook, I moaned, I clenched my hands and I couldn’t figure out if he kept going whether I was going to cum from his scratching my back or maybe I was going to splinter into a million and one pieces of orgasmic ecstasy.

He kept going, this time he added nails too. Before long I was starting on a wave of pure touch induced bliss. The more he kept at it, the closer and closer I came to reaching orgasm – yet he persisted. The fingers, the touching, the scratching, the nails and my withering at his fingertips. Surprise orgasm. Let’s call this one a surprise orgasm. Who knew you could get there with just touching alone? I sure as hell didn’t. But he did get me there. And as I lay there totally spent, having a hard time breathing and waiting for the fireworks to subside and my skin to get back to non-tingle stage, I wondered what the hell just happened?

What was that? Is that even normal? Does that even happen? I know I’m a bit weird in the way I’m wired. I cum from spankings. I can orgasm from giving blow jobs, I cum from nipple torture and now it seems I can spontaneously orgasm from oversensitive back touches. He seemed to love that he could get me somewhere I’d never been before. I wanted to smack his smugness but laughed instead. I’ll give him his cherry, he did good. He seems to be finding a lot of cherries that I didn’t even know I had and relishing in popping them.

By the time Monday afternoon rocked around we’d had a pretty big deep and meaningful that morning and I was feeling a bit emotionally raw and frayed and I’m pretty sure he may have been as well when I offered snugglefucking to cure our woes because nothing fixes anything like losing yourself in each other right? Right. For a pair of people who aren’t in a relationship I’m loving our communication, anyway… He offered his place as long as I was quiet. Me? I could do quiet, I can totally do quiet as long as you don’t hurt me. Hurting me means all bets are off the table unless you put your hand over my mouth to ensure I don’t scream while growling in my ear to not make a sound. That usually works a treat too. But anyway, I promised I would be quiet and we organised to have a shag fest at his place.

We spent most of Monday night chatting and sitting around with his housemates before I really needed to go to bed as I’d not slept the night before and was feeling the pull of sleep. He had to drive someone to the train station for them to get home and I took that as my leave to go get in a nap for at least 30 minutes. I have no idea how long I had a nap for, it didn’t feel very long but I was woken up with by the sight of a great big hunk of man. A girl can’t complain, honestly. We spent most of the night shagging. I was so quiet, everyone should be proud of me. We pretty much christened nearly every surface in his bedroom and his en suite. Note to self: tiles on the bathroom floor bite into one’s knees pretty hard. It’s nearly as bad as kneeling on rice.

At some point the next day after a full night of fucking and sleeping and fucking and sleeping and fucking… He bent me over the bed and he was slowly turning me into putty with long, sure strokes that were alternated between hard and soft. To be honest I have no idea what happened, all I know is at some point I was cumming and I may have clenched and he may have missed the re-entry, or something – when he didn’t say anything and I certainly didn’t think anything of it. So it kept going until we finished. Then a bit extra, like in the shower. The bathroom. The bathroom floor as I may have tried to crawl into his bedroom. He didn’t let me go anywhere.

We fuck a lot. And it’s pretty amazing. Apparently I’m good sex, cheers Cern. I’m pretty awesome, I know. But getting back to the story and not our fucking antics…

We stopped to have a break and to lounge around waiting for his appointment during the day. When we went into the bedroom and I dropped to my knees to worship his cock for a while and as soon as I got it out and into my mouth he frowned.

Hmmm. Warning Houston, we may have a problem.

He said hold on, so I did. He felt his penis a bit while I was eye level with it and he said does it look weird to you. So I looked and looked and wanted to lick it and nuzzled it and show it some loving, but I behaved and just looked. And he was right. There was a slight purplish bulge along the left side of it. I blinked. Um, that’s not right I said. I asked him if he hurt, he said it doesn’t hurt like he’s dying kind of hurt, but he can feel the pain of it there. I sat back on my heels and frowned.

My blow job. It just went the way of the dodo – however his penis health trumped my suckling urges. Penises are really rather important to fun times, it was more important to me that he hadn’t done anything that was going to damage it or himself.

So we held off on my sucking his cock, yes I was disappointed but I was more worried that we’d hurt it and that he was in pain. So we discussed the pain a bit, was it sharp? Shooting? Could he walk? After ascertaining all this he decided we should get it checked out. I agreed, there is no reason for us not to and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So off we trundled to the ER in the next town. We checked in with the triage nurse and I have to admit, I giggled she asked what had happened and he waved at me and said “her”. To be fair, I felt pretty horrible, I’ve never broken a penis before. Sure I may have accidentally snapped an ex’s ribs, but we were wrestling at the time and we fell off the bed – plus she was tiny…

I didn’t know what else to do but touch him. Pat him, hold his hand… I couldn’t imagine what was going through the poor guy’s brain at this time. So I offered what I could… touch. Comfort. Hopefully some stupid humour to get him to crack a smile. Before long we were ushered into see the nurse, who took notes and asked about the injury. We left said nurse and waited some more when the Dr then called him in. I figured I didn’t need to be in there for that bit and sat outside waiting. Thankfully he didn’t leave me alone long enough with the cricket on the TV so that I didn’t try scratching my veins out. However he did come out with a smirk so at least I knew it was going to be ok.

We started off back towards his car and I asked. Sooooooooooooooooooo?

He said that the Dr thought he’d burst a blood vessel of some kind which is why it was swollen and purplish looking and he had the sharpish pains in his groin. He said he had to rest it for an entire week. I may have felt my heart drop… What I asked? A WHOLE WEEK?!

Yes, he says. No straining it. Not even licking it? No, not even licking it apparently.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS! HOW AM I MEANT TO GO A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT HIS PENIS?

Of course I kept my composure and may have giggled. He had to keep it in his pants. snickersnicker at least I could wank.

Suffice to say we didn’t last a week of not fucking, especially since we spent nearly the week together. However we haven’t been able to have a marathon since because of it. I miss riding it. Devouring it and just enjoying it without it hurting him. It pains me that it hurts him so. I did enjoy sucking it while we were watching GoT the other night on the couch, there’s something to be said about a guy that lets you enjoy his penis with your mouth for as long as you want, I threw a pillow on the floor and kneeled on it. My housemate came up for a smoke at one point so he told me to stop, so I stopped but kept him in my mouth. But being that I’m so nice I put him away as soon as she stepped outside and curled up next to him on the couch for the rest of the night.

But dear gods I am so fucking horny.

And this is where we’re at dears, a week later and it’s still hurting him a bit. I’m rabidly horny and contemplating taking on my housemates fucking machine called Humphrey to dull the itch a bit. Oh Humphrey, if only you didn’t scare the bejesus out of me!

download

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

images

Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

Never-Take-Someone-Feelings-Courage-Funny-Health-Jokes-and-Safety-Quotes

The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

36

Poly trials and new discoveries

Well you guys know that I’ve been seeing Cern, the new FWB.

I’ve also been in contact with Scotty a lot over the last week – about the upcoming Vegas trip next year, Burning Man and my accommodation for both.

So let’s start with Scotty, shall we?

I was chatting to him the other day saying that I was thinking of staying at the Golden Nugget in Fremont because it’s one of my favourite hotels in Vegas when he mentioned that I should be aware that I may end up cancelling the room. Prior to all this he had said that I would be cancelling any room I booked. So that was flag number one for me. I knew his new fiance wasn’t feeling quite ok with me. Which is fair enough. If I were in her shoes and some blast from the past was coming to town I’d be feeling a bit unbalanced too. I pre-date her in his love. I get it, it doesn’t hurt less though.

So I asked him then if he would be ok with me messaging her on facebook to reach out before I go there so that maybe we can start up a friendship and she may feel a bit more comfortable that I’m not coming to town to mess up their relationship and that I’m not a threat of any kind. He said he thought it was a wonderful idea and that she’s be totally open to that.

Cue my writing her a message 4 days ago.

4 days of silence.

I started to cry every time I thought about it 2 days ago.

Continue Reading

21

Sex and vulnerability – missing pieces.

I’ve had some interesting conversations of late with someone whose input I’ve come to love for the differences in our perspectives and the way we approach things. Some experience, some insight and a different perspective have brought into clarification something that I had been missing.

The new FWB, he needs a name. Let’s call him Cernunnos after the horned god.

During our very long and very very extensive coupling a few days ago I’ve gone over and replaying a lot of things that happened. Which is a good thing, a lot of what happened was fantastic and wonderful and joyful and orgasmic in so many many ways.

But during all this, Cernunnos decided that during our last love-making of the night, he would rock me steady and sure with long slow strokes. As he did this, with my head buried in his neck and shoulder and his head buried in my neck was that for every orgasm I had in this position, I felt a layer peel off me exposing something I haven’t purposefully exposed before. For every roll of our hips I felt a bit of my armour shatter and crumble. Somehow this great big beast of a man was exposing parts of myself I wasn’t aware that I hadn’t been exposing before. If he’d kept going I was pretty sure I’d have cried. And this, from the woman who used to scoff at all those women in films that cried during sex because it was so emotional.

Something clicked in that moment. I was grateful we didn’t keep that pace up and going for longer than we did. I wasn’t and still am not sure I’m ready to face that kind of vulnerability with just a FWB.

But what does this all mean? 

Continue Reading

32

Scotty : The low down

I spent this morning connecting with all my men that were overseas. My best friend always and sometimes lover, J and Scotty. So based on that I thought I should go into details about things I may have omitted before.

I’ve also finished chapter 1 of my American travels – but I wanted to go over my friendship/relationship/whatever-ship with Scotty. You can get access to all the travel stories through the new menu option up the top that I’ve made for all my debauchery.

What I didn’t go into with my posts about my sexual exploits across America was my relationship with Scotty. I touched on it, but since 2011 we have been in contact. He asked me to marry him continuously for just over a year after I came back.

I never took him seriously, I thought he was caught up in some holiday romance and that he’d find someone close to home that would love him as much as he needs and deserves to be loved. Last year after my breakup I was seriously considering his offer. I was going to go to Vegas and marry him, to hell with the consequences. I knew we got along, I knew we had amazing sex and I thought for once in my life I was going to do something that was so out of character for me that would make my life turn on its head for once. I was going to marry him. Right after I went and did Mardi Gras I was going to spend time with him in we’d finally go get hitched and then I’d have to sort out the rest of my life and how we were going to make it work. Except I met Loki and it didn’t work that way.

We often joked while I was there that we’d get married and I wanted it to be a classy affair. In a bright pink Cadillac. Through the drive through registry. I said that I’d give him a congratulatory blow job before we’d even pulled out of the registry drive through window with the hood down. I’m such a classy bitch sometimes. We joked and laughed so hard I had tears. He joked that he would introduce me to his friends as his future ex-wife, until I said that if I do get married it’s a forever deal. There is no future ex-wife. I’m only doing this marriage thing once if I have to and by golly he was fucking stuck with me if we did. He stopped saying that after that discussion and just started referring to me as wife.

Obviously our lives were led differently. I never felt like we were in a relationship where you talk every day, you check in, you chat about nonsensical things. If I saw him post on Facebook about something that interested us both, we’d have a chat about it on messenger. If he sounded like he was having a rough day, I’d message him to see if there was anything I could do to help. Today he had a rough day to do with his family. I sent him virtual hug pictures. We thought of each other, we are connected, yet through the last 3 years I guess the reason I didn’t take his marriage offers seriously was because I never felt that he actually wanted me. There was no pursuing, no barrage of contact, no communication. Yet when we did communicate, once a month or so, it was like we’d never stopped talking. Today was no different. So a little part of me that I left with him aches because I feel that I might have missed something there. I didn’t pursue it hard enough, did I miss something?

True-Love-Quotes-True-love-doesnt-mean-being-inseparable-it-means-being-separated-and-nothing-changes

But I guess for me, what was different was that being the way I am and having my own pitfalls and baggage, I thought he just wasn’t interested in me enough for me to pack my bags and fly to another country. For if I felt that he felt that strongly I think I would have done it years ago. Isn’t it funny how words, with distance, need that constant reassurance that you are desired and wanted. For me, there was none of that. I heard the words “marry me” but I didn’t see or feel the follow through with it. Would I have acted differently if he had pursued me a bit harder? Yeah, I think I would have.

He is now engaged to a lovely lady and they are deeply in love and obviously well suited for each other. He dreams of a poly household where we all live together. As it is, I’m adamant I’m going to Burning Man next year. He said he is organising a trailer that sleeps nine so I am to camp with them. I’m hoping that the tickets come through and if they do then camping together is going to be interesting.

He wants me to move to Vegas because I mentioned that I’m a bit starved of affection here. There is just no one that holds my interest, no one that I want to spend time with and no one to give me cuddles. I feel so isolated. He said if I lived there with them that I would have all the love in the world. And I believe him.

So then the question becomes where do we go from here? For me it’s still one step at a time, I need to finish my degree before I can even look at moving overseas since I can’t really get a visa without a job and I can’t get a job that will sponsor me without my Science degree.

Does this change the things as they are? No, not really. I’m still not dating anyone. I’m not going to. I think I just want to focus on me, getting myself fitter, better mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place once I feel better in myself. I know this.

What do I do with Scotty? What we’ve always done. He’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always think of him and have that piece ache. Will he ever have his happy poly family? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I think I need to do more soul-searching before I can answer that question.

But for now I’ll give him my love, because I give that freely anyway to those I feel deserve my time and energy. And remember to give myself some loving too.

9

Do I have to? Realisations in dating

For a long time I’ve wondered why I’ve thrown up walls and excuses for men and women that message me who seem suitable to date.

The other night I had an epiphany from talking a lot with another blogger friend in email has helped me come to some realisations myself.

I’m not ready to date.

I’m not ready to even contemplate anything romantic or heart warming. I’m still in a pretty horrible place mentally, I don’t have the energy to pursue anything because believe me I think there’s some that might be a lot of fun if I did pursue, but I can’t seem to. I think this relates back to the post I wrote about mental health and my health. The fact that after my ex broke up with earlier this year I’ve fallen into a downward spiral of distancing myself from a lot of my friends because that’s what depression does. I’ve isolated myself and I’m clawing my way back out slowly, but this will take time.

So instead of pushing myself to date, I put the brakes on it. It’s not fair on anyone I date. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to wholly commit coupled with the fact that I don’t plan on staying in Australia for more than another 4 years means dating and committing to someone is out of the question.

Because that decision is actually fair on me and it’s fair on a person that I might meet who wants more.

What I did at this point was change my profile to say I’m looking for a FWB arrangement, hence my previous post, to indicate that I would be open to men & women approaching me in regards to this type of arrangement. I was hoping that it would open the world up to those guys & gals that are in relationships so they don’t need me to invest but are happy to see me once or twice a week and be friends outside of that.

What’s wrong with this picture you say?

Well here’s the thing. Usually I am very free in my love and loving. Where, who and what the person in question has done previously wouldn’t be an issue. So this has then made me question why, after years and years of free loving with friends, with acquaintances and with relative strangers have I now made the jump to feeling a bit grossed out by the share factor.

This isn’t the share factor with anyone else on a greater scale – with this I still have no issue, this is the share factor within the Sydney Kink Community.

What’s changed that’s made me not want to explore people sexually that have gotten around a bit? Partly it’s to do with 60% of the Sydney Kink Community I think is full of twatburgers. People and their twue wayisms that are blind to anything outside of how they think this lifestyle should be led. People who think that because you don’t do things their way that your kink is somehow less than what they do. People who are brash, sexist, misogynistic and downright assholes.

I’ve dabbled in this lifestyle and within the community for well over 10 years. I’ve given most of those years performing at Hellfire on stage with my kinky family. The other years I did performances at Inquisition, at various kink nights, at Penrith Panthers once too. I’ve been to Darwin to perform at their Sexxxpo. We’ve been to New Zealand to perform at their annual Kink even in Christchurch. We’ve been to Melbourne to perform at the re-opening of Hellfire Melbourne. I’ve been with people who are long gone that I’ve seen again and haven’t seen again. I used to be part of a house where we opened it up once a month and had people over who used our dungeon, our furniture, our space to drink, eat, make merry… I’ve witnessed kinky marriages, court cases and hate rampages. I’ve had stalkers, falling out with friends, and my own many mistakes over the years.

How did I get to where I am now? How have I changed? Why did I change?

Continue Reading

8

How do you choose your partner?

You know, trailing through the interwebs today I came across an interesting article.

About how we end up marrying the wrong people.

Cake Toppers from OffBeatBride

The article goes into very many points and I thought I would go through them in my way. Because I think we all make stupid decisions because we feel that we’re in “love”. That ever elusive self involved emotion where logic flies out the window and you do things because they feel good instead of running away screaming because that’s what any sane person would do.

Cynic? Who me? Nah, never.

Getting back to the article though…

Continue Reading

26

The ultimate question: Will you be my everything?

I don’t know about you guys, but being someone’s everything is a lot of pressure that I refuse to take responsibility for.

You see, I don’t believe you can be everything to another person.

We all have our different things that keep us going. We like different things, we read different things, we share certain areas of our lives with people and we delight in learning about things that we never experienced before.

At least I do.

Continue Reading

19

Serendipity + Loki = baggage check!

I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.

Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.

[ source]

Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.

Serendipity…

Luis_Royo_029

I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…

I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me,  then I have to slap myself out of it.

But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.

Serendipity.

Tag Loki, you’re it.

Continue Reading