4

Turkey basting sperm, surrogacy & pregnancy.

This is a bit more of a serious post.

Not sure I’ve made one of those in a while. But there you go.

The stage: a question, delicately posed, yet still creating a drop in my stomach and the urge to throw up. Isn’t it funny that whenever Cern says “I have something to talk to you about” that’s my reaction? Anyway.

He mentions that a while ago, long before he met me, he offered his sperm to a lesbian friend of his if she ever had need of it and wanted to conceive with her partner. What a lovely idea right? Right.

So, he said that she’d gotten in contact and wanted to claim his swimmers.

Well ok. He didn’t say it in those terms precisely. However that’s how it has stuck in my head.

And he asked me if I would be ok with it?

Uhmm. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nooooooooooooooooo. I asked him to give me some breathing space as I needed to sort through my reactions. They were extreme, well, extreme for me.

I didn’t want to be the bitch that denied his friend a baby so I wanted to say yes. Yet at the same time I didn’t want to see his face in her child’s everytime we saw them since they are friends and I assume there would be cross over somewhere along the way so I also wanted to say no.

How doth one throw caution to the wind and say to one’s lover, sure honey – go knock up your friend, I’m totally cool with it!

And in a way, I felt that I was being bypassed, yet again, for a partner to have a baby with someone else instead of me.

That last line is all baggage. From my ex, the baby daddy, the one who procreated with someone else while with me…

Logically, I know that it’s not true. Emotionally though, it’s really hard to deal with the fact that I just don’t feel that I can do it. I want to be at a place where this kind of thing doesn’t phase me and I can totally get behind his urge to spread his sperm to anyone that wants to have a child. I really really do. Yet at the same time it eats at me.  Why do I seem to find men that want to have babies with everyone else? Do I give off some kind of signal that makes men believe that of me?

Again, don’t answer that question. I know it totally doesn’t apply to this situation, but who ever said emotions were logical?

I guess what this whole thing brought up for me was a Pandora’s box of things I thought I had dealt with. Surprise, obviously I didn’t deal with them that well…

I still wish I could give him what he wants, but I did say that I think we should both see a relationship counsellor, because this whole thing is making me feel things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue and if anything, we might get some good communication skills out of it. He agreed and said that it was part of the process that we see a counsellor anyway. So I left him to organise a date and gave him a referral of a councillor that a friend recommended for couples counselling of relationships that weren’t “vanilla”.

In the meantime I’ve tried to sort through my knee jerk emotions and have ended up with a big ball of “I don’t know what the fuck I want” and don’t really have a way of unravelling it.

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So I’m going to outline the various emotions in bullet point in the hopes that I can see some kind of pattern and pinpoint where my emotional instability is coming from:

  • Scared – scared that I’m never going to be enough for anyone and that I just don’t offer anyone anything to stay around – hello daddy baggage!
  • Unwanted – I know logically that this is a silly emotion, but it’s not one that I can dislodge. I feel like I am missing something because everyone else wants babies with everyone else and I’m like the invisible woman in the middle of the equation
  • Confused – I don’t know if I said yes what would this involve. Do we visit it every other month? Do it be a part of our lives? Or is it something that’s separate and something that he and I don’t get involved in? Do we never see it? Do we see it every Xmas? (I want to reiterate here that he said that there was a strict guideline that they’d drawn out and all he would ever be is the sperm donor – no contact, not listed as parent, not a next of kin, etc) But then it makes me feel sick to think that I’ll be saying hello to his child with someone else every time we see his friends, if we see his friends. Does that even make sense considering we have his 2 little ones every other weekend anyway yet I don’t feel like that with them?
  • Loved – he is being so patient with me on this one. He’s given me time, space and hasn’t bugged me about it. I feel like such a let down because I can’t say yes to him. I want to say yes to him yet at the same time if I did say yes and wasn’t emotionally ready to I’m scared it would break something in me.
  • Conflicted – A small part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and say yes. Do it. The other part of me is gripping on for dear life and saying no, I can’t do this. I don’t know which side to give in to.

Yeah, that list hasn’t really helped me at all.

A friend of mine said I should write it down. Process it. And I am writing, but nothing is coming to me.

I know that Cern is not my ex. I know that he wouldn’t do something this huge without my consent and knowing I am 100% OK with it to go ahead.

Yet I have that small part of me waiting for the axe to fall. Is this just a self-confidence thing? Is it because I don’t feel that I’m worth it in some way? Is it just because of dealing with an old lover who shattered me quite a few years ago?

And not long after this conversation my dreams of being pregnant started. Nearly every other night. I’d be pregnant in my head. These dreams were really not helping. Pandora’s box. I have it. I wish I could break it and find the easy solution to this problem.  But I don’t have it. And I don’t know how to deal with an answer for Cern.

Yes?                                     Or no? 

 

0

Open relationship doesn’t mean I’m looking for something better…

Moving is going… well. I have so much still to do and boxes to unpack that I’m exhausted just thinking about it. My cat is all but back to normal but he’s due back at the vets on Monday to have more blood tests and a clot in his neck biopsied. He’s climbing, biting and waking me up at 3am with a paw in my mouth while he perches on my tits staring down at me while I’m sleeping on my back.

This last week has seen an influx of inane emails on OKC for me though. Inane as in, not even worth my time replying kind. And it takes a lot for me not to reply because ultimately I’m too polite for my own good.

What I also realised is that I may need to re-write my profile. You see, it lists me as being in an open relationship. But for some reason men seem to view this as me looking for something better than Cern.

Which, let’s face it, is never going to happen.

So then it got me thinking. What does one put in said profile to say that they’ve met the love of their life and they aren’t in an open relationship because they aren’t getting fulfilled at home, quite the opposite to be honest. I’m getting fulfilled at home to the point that I’m not even looking anywhere else. If people write to me then great, I keep up conversation and keep in touch. But I’m no purposefully seeking or making dates. I’m not looking at profiles thinking “Oh yeah, I need to get this person into bed or I must meet this person for a coffee and shagging session”.

I love what I have with Cern. I honestly do. And at the moment it’s all so new and beautiful and I’m enjoying him so much that I don’t see the need nor the desire to stop my obsession just being focused on him. You know, the honeymoon period. I want to enjoy it for all it’s worth. And when we settle into a routine a year or so later, I may even purposefully seek for some different kinds of interactions. But that’s where I am at, he’s been going out on coffee dates and to be honest, I haven’t really cared that he has. Except when he baits me to the point that I lose my shit at him – he has this habit of pushing my buttons.

 

For example, he met a girl this week for a coffee. Which he enjoyed and that was great, I was happy he met someone he had a good time with. I’m all for him meeting new people – unfortunately she was named the same name as an ex-friend of mines child who went a bit crazy (the ex-friend, not her child) – which made me cringe internally but I’m sure his friend comes from a normal family and doesn’t have crazy in her genes. But when he started pushing that I somehow should sleep with her it squicked me out. And yet he kept pushing. And I kept getting snarkier.

It didn’t stem from jealousy, this reaction. At least, I don’t think it did. I think that if and when we do want to have a threesome, that it’s something we both do together. We both talk to the person, we both get to know them, we both interact and keep communications open across the board.  It’s really important to me to be kept in the loop. It makes me feel included and desired as opposed to feeling like the bit of meat on the side that’s added as an afterthought because it might be fun. And I realise this kind of thinking is silly and totally not how Cern means for it all to come across, however my own relationship history has warped me a bit in regards to a lot of things and it’s a process of me working through them all to unravel and retrain myself to think differently – or at least feel differently.

And my knee jerk reaction to having women I don’t know, I’ve never talked to or know anything about thrown at me like meat on a stick is that I feel cheap – and it reminds me of how my ex used to parade and flirt in front of me with other women in a way to elicit a negative reaction after we had the conversation of having a closed relationship as opposed to an open one because he didn’t want to share me. It brings up feelings of inadequacy and insecurity of self – and I don’t like being there at all.

Maybe this comes with age into a relationship; the knowledge and trust in your partner finding someone suitable without your input… but right now, I don’t really have that and it just makes me not want to play, in fact it tempts me to pack up my toys and go home.

I mentioned that I wanted a threesome for my birthday – which we still haven’t gotten around to, but with life being so freaking busy I figure it will happen. It’s just a matter of when and not something I really want to rush anyway.

But coming back to my profile on OKC – how does one write a profile to say that I am not looking for the love of my life? I think I’ve already found him. I’m not saying I’m in an open relationship because I think there’s someone better out there for me. I’m not on OKC because my partner doesn’t satisfy me in bed or in life. I’m not on there because I somehow think he’s lacking and I need someone else to make up the difference.

I’m there because, I know, no matter how much you say it’s not true, all relationships hit a plateau – and being able to have the option of something outside what you have built doesn’t diminish what you have at home, it makes you appreciate it more.

That the thought of needles and me poking them into someone else makes Cern turn this funny shade of green. He doesn’t quite grasp my love of finger painting in someone’s blood or that I find the entire thing really tribalistic – ritualistic even. Someone is giving me access to the very thing that keeps them alive – that runs in their veins and lights up their eyes. Blood play is intoxicating on many a level. But there’s certain kinks of mine that he is totally not into – and that’s ok. He doesn’t have to be. But being in an open relationship gives me the option of exploring those other kinks with other people. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to get into their pants. If anything it’s more about the intimacy of play and sharing something different. There’s so much to life apart from just sex and you can find intimacy in a wide variety of things, especially in the kink world.

Unfortunately I don’t quite know how to explain that to people who don’t understand alternative lifestyles – they just don’t get “it”.

And so I wonder, how does one put all this into a profile and make it clear that “open relationship” doesn’t mean this is a pissing competition and you get to “win” me from Cern. It’s a sharing of aspects of ourselves with the knowledge and consent of our partners – and the security of knowing that no matter what, they will love you and be there for you to come home to.

10

He chose me?

I’m sitting on a train back to civilisation from Cern’s place reading Amanda Palmer’s book “The Art of Asking” when I came across a paragraph that made me stop and look out the window in contemplation. Then it made me smile from the inside out.

So I’m going to share with you this paragraph. So you can smile and think of a time that you heard such sweet words.

This is after she’d asked him if he would help her add text to some of her photos for her compilation book to go with her album at the time. They we in seperate relationships with others and had kept in contact via emails checking in as friends do. They happened to be in New York together a few months later and he asked her to meet up for coffee. Her being her she fretted about a birthday gift so gave him The Bride. Which was her street busking gig she hadn’t worn in a long time. He was having lunch with his literary agent that day so they agreed to meet at 4pm at Washington Square Park in winter.

I stepped up on the box at ten minutes to four, figuring I wouldn’t have long to wait.

After twenty minutes, I started to shiver & kept wondering if I should give up, but I didn’t want to get down & ruin the surprise, & if already suffered too long to let it go. There was construction in the park. Maybe he couldn’t find me. A few people stopped to get a flower. After 30 minutes, my fingers went numb, then my hands went numb, then my legs and arms froze. After about an hour, he appeared, accompanied by a woman, and approached me cautiously.

… Amanda? Is that you?

The Bride stayed silent. I stared at him & cocked my head. This was weird. He had come with someone, and I felt like I was embarrassing him. I’d noticed he easily got really embarrassed.

He put a dollar in my hat & I gave him a flower. I tried to make eye contact with him, and he smiled goofing while the woman stepped back and laughed at our little exchange. I hopped down. I still felt like I was embarrassing him.

Well, er, Amanda, this is Merrilee, my literary agent! Merrilee, this is Amanda, you know, the…rock star lady. With the dead naked book…and all that. Merrilee smiled at me.

I pushed the veil out of my face, reached out numb, gloved fingers, and shook her hand.

Hi.

The uncomfortableness lasted a few more minutes before Neil and I walked off to a nearby cafe, where I told Neil I would buy him a birthday hot chocolate. I took off my wig and Neil helped me carry the 3 milk crates.

My god, you’re freezing, he said. Your teeth are chattering. He took off his overcoat and draped it over my shoulders.

I didn’t have any cash in my wallet, and the Cafe was cash only. But I had made eight dollars doing The Bride, and I insisted on buying his hot chocolate with those crumpled-up bills, which I fished out of the can I’d used to collect them. The bill for two hot chocolates came to eleven dollars. Fucking New York. Apologising, I hit Neil up for the rest of the money.
It’s ok, he said. What you did it out there was wonderful.
Ah thanks. Yeah sorry it got all fucked up. I should have planned the surprise better.
No, he said. It was perfect. I think it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, actually.
What? Really? I said.
Really. And I’ve decided something.
What’s that?
I’ve decided that I’m not going anywhere.
Sorry. What?
I’m not going anywhere, he repeated.
I don’t know what you mean, Neil.
I mean, he said, speaking more slowly, that I’m not. Going. Anywhere. Even if it takes years. I think I’ll stay right here.
Like…here at the corner table? I joked nervously. You mean you’re never going to leave the Cafe Gitane ever? That sounds very Neil Gaiman-y.
No, he said, plainly. I’ll leave this Cafe. But I won’t leave you. That’s what I mean. I’m not going anywhere.
Oh, I said. I see. I think

You see, Cern and I had a similar kind of talk this week. I was feeling pretty shit and expressed my feelings to him that I felt I didn’t have an option that made me feel ok with a decision and he sent me a voice message that conveyed something that may have taken this long to start to sink in. That he chooses me. Above anyone else.

I’ve not really had a guy choose me above anyone else before. Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long to sink in. I heard him but I never believed him. To believe him is taking a new found openness to him. It’s pushing some of my walls that I didn’t know I had erected. The ones where I heard people say things but didn’t believe they meant them, usually because they don’t and end up breaking my heart so I gave up hoping and believing a long time ago.

So maybe it’s time I let myself believe and hope. Scary. He is scary and still his arms are still the only place in the world I feel safe, wanted… home.

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So take time out soon, stare into someone eyes that means something to you and offer the silent questions.

Will you love me even if I’m broken? Can you see the real me? Hello.

Hello!

13

Discombobulation. Sexual satiation and bliss.

Discombobulated – disconcerted – euphoric – ecstasy – intoxicated – heady – sexual – achy – blissed out… these are just some of the words that may explain where I am today.

Yesterday saw Cern talk me into going to trivia with him and some of his friends. He said the magic word, steak… and I was hooked. But apparently I had to have a garish Hawaiian shirt and a sparkly hat for the xmas theme. We did a spot of shopping and had a really lovely night, trivia was entertaining, his friends were also entertaining. I was glad I let him talk me into going out.

We had some really interesting conversations during him getting us very lost on our way to the other side of the harbour. We may have admitted to caring about each other just a wee bit a few days ago and I explained that usually in relationships I am never this open, or accessible or actually ok with a lover of mine sleeping with other women. Let’s put that down to the last 9 years of monogamous relationships. Poly is hard when it’s been so long! But, as I said to him, I don’t often get jealous of his telling me about other girls he’s dated or seen or talked to or hooked up with. I sometimes get a twinge of something which usually relates to my self value about myself more so than anything he was saying or doing, but it’s nothing like what I was used to and he asked me why I was so ok with him and the way our openness is at the moment.

I had to think about that for a while. And I honestly think it comes down to the fact that I trust him to tell me the truth and he has been, without pulling punches or becoming all vague like most men do because they don’t want to say what they are feeling in the fear that they are going to lose out on the sex. He just tells me stuff. And I appreciate that so bloody much. And that, I think, in and of itself is why I am so centered. I’m really secure. I know where I stand with him. I know that whoever else he’s seeing or dating isn’t going to impact us and that makes me know we’re good.

We still haven’t defined our friendship apart from what it is we’re doing right now. Even so, I’m ok. Surprisingly so. For some reason I feel safe with him and that’s all that matters to me now. Like he said to me, I realise that the level of openness I’ve given him access to could have blown up in my face… but I’ve spent years and years and years hiding behind walls. Being hurt is a part of life, if it doesn’t work at least I know I did this the way I would want any future relationship to be like. With total openness, honesty and caring. Whether he finds someone else that sweeps him off his feet or not, that’s beside the point. Right now, I’m happy. I’m happy with where I am with him. I’m beyond happy with the sexual chemistry and he smells good. Good gods he smells good. I could get used to smelling that man a lot.

We talked about a few other things too, but you know me guys, some things I like to play close to my chest. The rest is going to keep my insides warm for a while longer before I share with y’all.

However! Today… Today is blissful.

It’s that feeling you get from getting fucked so well and hard all night until the wee hours of the morning so that the next day at work your body feels small aches and pains, the twinge in your cunt from the bruised pelvis. The slight ache in your lower back from where he applied all his weight to slam into you harder from behind. The beautiful tremble in your neck when you stretch because he had his teeth biting down in that one spot. Remembering his moans as he kept sliding back into you and feeling the charged sexual energy between you.

Last night was an interesting rediscovery after his injury.

At first we were both a bit unsure, I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had and he was a bit anxious about if it was going to hurt. But just to be on the safe side I ended up swatting in the shower, with my back against the tiled walls as the water ran over him and sucked his cock. There’s something to be said about being pushed up against a wall while someone throat fucks you. It was hot. I gagged, spluttered, nearly drowned and every time he pulled out of my mouth I whimpered at the loss and leaned out after it with an open mouth for more.

Before long we’d moved ourselves into the bedroom and being the bastard he was, he made me stand, legs spread and made me count out the orgasms until 21. At which point he said I’m done and my legs gave out and I may have knelt in front of him while he was sitting on my bed. And so I went back to doing what I love doing, sating my oral fixation by worshiping his cock some more.

The sex – well, let’s just say that I think he’s making me realise some things that I obviously had no idea about previously. So as much as he says that I’m teaching him a lot, I think he’s also teaching me quite a lot too. His hands still electrify me, I don’t know what it is, they are so big and warm and make me tingle from the inside out. Or maybe from the outside in. Either way he man has a way with his hands and my body has a mind of it’s own when he applies said hands to me – all I can do is hold on for the ride. From the 4am surprise sex that was a bit magical to me. There was something different about our coming together at 4am. I don’t know what it was, but it felt like he was radiating desire. It’s like I was being wrapped up in his raw animal lust and desire and sexuality and it was intoxicating. I felt lost in it, to the point that I couldn’t get enough of him. He couldn’t get any deeper inside of me yet I wanted more. The orgasms were continuous, like a summer thunderstorm. I felt cleansed, dirtied, used, ravenous, fulfilled, desired and wanted all in one go.

Which may explain why I feel the way I do today.

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I’m kinda glad that I took the chance even though I know not where our paths are headed.

44

Friends, fucking and love contemplations

Today I read a quote that I had to share because I’ve asked myself some of these questions while I take the time to heal myself:

“I asked my ex, now good friend, if she would ever have an open relationship and she said, ‘No, I don’t think I could do that’ then after a pause and a smile, ‘but what about love affair friendships?’

She went on to describe an impenetrable fortress of female friendship, her own group of best mates who’d known each other since school and had supported and loved each other through almost all of their lifetimes. They sounded far more bonded to, and in love with one another, than their respective husbands.

It struck me that we don’t have the language to reflect the diversity and breadth of connections we experience.

Why is sex the thing we tend to define a relationship by, when in fact it can be simple casual fun without a deep emotional transaction?

Why do we say ‘just friends’ when, for some of us, a friendship goes deeper?

Can we define a new currency of commitment that celebrates and values this?

Instead of having multiple confusing interpretations of the same word, could we have different words?

What if we viewed our relationships as a pyramid structure with our primary partner at the top and a host of lovers, friends, spiritual soul mates, colleagues, and acquaintances beneath that?”

—Rosie Wilby, “You’re More Polyamorous Than You Think”

I think there’s a whole host of relationships that we have with other people and this quote has made me sit and think about these friendships, relationships, loves. For some friends who I love with all my heart and I’m totally in love with them as people.

I believe there’s a whole other world out there that could explain that we all do lead poly lifestyles in a way without even realising it. We give our love without thought to those we hold dear but don’t fuck. So why does only the ones we fuck count as loves of our lives? I’ve had more deep and meaningful relationships with some friends than I’ve ever had with partners.

So why do we focus on fucking for meaning when there’s meaning in so many other areas? How does this all tie in to me though? Sex is really important to me, but it’s not the be all of me and how I relate to people.

But I had to put this here to remember to think outside the box while I keep working on myself.

16

How to piss me off in 1 easy step

  1. Be a bigoted asshole who tells me that I need counseling because I believe in having open relationships and because I’m kinky. And that being kinky means that I’m after 5 minutes of fun as opposed to a serious stable relationship – and apparently it also makes me someone who only fools around.

I’d say kiss my butt, but my butt’s too good for him.

 

He didn’t know what hit him.

Well he did. It was my astonishingly impressive and formidable vocabulary and expressive and articulate response.

Hope it felt like a brick.

I haven’t dated one single person since my last relationship. This says something about the quality of men out there than it does about my lack of patience.

Also that I don’t really mind being single, it gives me time to focus on myself and enjoy my life. I think a  lot of men are surprised by this. At least that’s the impression I’m getting. I don’t need a man. It throws them a bit. It confuses them and I would hope that one day I’ll meet a man who it challenges enough to not send me a picture of his penis and expect me to swoon at his feet.

Unless he’s James Deen. Or Jason Momoa. Then I might swoon.

On another note, the moving to South America and opening a cat orphanage is looking better by the minute.

19

Serendipity + Loki = baggage check!

I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.

Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.

[ source]

Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.

Serendipity…

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I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…

I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me,  then I have to slap myself out of it.

But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.

Serendipity.

Tag Loki, you’re it.

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2

What makes you ready for a relationship?

In my travels around the web, I come across some pretty interesting articles.

This one on the Huffington Post wasn’t any different.

It’s titled: 10 ways to know you’re ready for a relationship.

Moogle_LoveSm_by_Adiene_2008

Love is… [Source]

And being the curious little thing I clicked the link to read the article. Because you know, there’s never enough self-improvement available for one and who knows, I might learn something new.

Their first paragraph actually caught me. Because it’s something I believe sets a great foundation for your own relationship foundation. And that’s being ready for a relationship.

What does ready mean though?

For me, it means that I’m at a place in my life where I don’t need a relationship, I’m happy, I’m healthy and I’m enjoying my life. It means that I’ve got a balance worked out and that whether I share my journey or not, I’ll be ok and I know I’m ok.

Here’s the 10 points that the article makes:

  1. Be as good as you can, as often as you can.
  2. You’ll put someone else’s interests ahead of your own
  3. You understand the importance of communication
  4. You’ve got some semblance of a path in life
  5. You can let the little things slide
  6. You’re ready to accept someone as they are
  7. You don’t look for someone to complete you
  8. You are happy being single
  9. Your ex is no longer a factor
  10. You are ready to blend your life into someone else’s.

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7

Reformed lesbianism? Is that even a *thing*?!

Reformed what?

I’ve written before about monosexism & my bisexuality.

As mentioned in that post, I was a lesbian before I became bisexual. I’m not going to go into that again with this post. What I did want to talk about was my transition. My journey. My experience.

And my love of women. And men. And possibly some of my relationship epiphanies.

It started young you know, I was kissing girls behind the school toilets when I was 7.

We started experimenting with more than just kissing in the long grass at primary school, possibly about age 10.

I got very familiar with vagina’s during this experimentation period. Don’t get me wrong, they were very confusing, yet endlessly fascinating to me.

Look at that YUMMYNESS!!!!!

Sure I experimented with girls, but I didn’t really have a girlfriend until my late 20’s. Like a proper girlfriend. Move in together and be monogamous kind.

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2

The L word

And no, I don’t mean the L word as in the lesbian TV series, although it was a great soft porn show… if I do say so myself.

So let’s talk about that funny thing that makes us all giddy, high, scared, neurotic and warm and fuzzy about another person.

Loki texted me last Tuesday. He texted me something that made me pause. I felt my heart skip a few beats and then flutter to life and beat stupidly fast as I grinned like the cat that got the cream. Literally.

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