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The Duke of Burgundy – A peek into a kinky lesbian relationship

As you may or may not be aware, it’s the Sydney Film Festival at the moment and they have some whopper of screenings available to view. This was but one of many that perked my interest and it was a moofie date with one of my most favouritest women.

So off we bounded into the cold and got seated in the State Theatre for our viewing. Now, me being me, I refused to look up anything to do with the film before I saw it so that I didn’t have any assumptions or expectations of it that would leave me feeling like I was let down by the end because it wasn’t what I was expecting. All I know from my friend was that it was about a kinky lesbian relationship.

We snuggled into the soft old style seats of the theatre that were cushioned (my arse thanks you State!!!) and giggled as the movie started up and we whispered.

Not too long into it we both shut up to watch what was going on.

The film itself was a somewhat arty thing. I mean it did start with the “sub”, Evelyn, kneeling beside a river or brook that tinkled loudly on the screen and made me want to rush to the bathroom to wee.

In some ways I think I was captivated by the movie and in other ways it made me question and confirm certain things I know about the lifestyle from my experience.

The Duke of Burgundy is basically about 2 entomologists who are in a lesbian relationship. However one of them is a bit kinky and basically writes on speech cards for her partner about “scenes” she would like played out and when. It kind of reminded me of Pro-Domming in a way, you get told how to behave, what the scene will entail and how long certain things will go for.

And that’s exactly what this woman was doing to her partner. It’s not ever discussed in the film about if the partner is a willing participant, but soon into the film you come across a scene in the bed when they both awake and the non-kinky Cynthia is stroking Evelyn’s face and explaining all the things she loves about her when Evelyn stops her and asks her to tell her of other things instead as her hand reaches down the sheets to start masturbating. Cynthia helps her out with her own hand and starts to tell her things that make her face go neutral as she stares out into space and when she runs out of things to say before Evelyn has come, Evelyn impatiently tells her to start at the beginning. And so Cynthia,  with a roll of her eyes,  says exactly the same things in monotone.

I believe this is the point where you realise that Cynthia isn’t that into all this kinky stuff. But she does it to please Evelyn.

As the movie progresses you realise that Cynthia is also afraid of losing Evelyn because she’s older and with back problems feels that she can’t give Evelyn what she wants.

The plot keeps going, with various “punishments” meted out for transgressions that a maid may have made. However what you realise is that the scenes are repeated is that there’s nothing new. And from what I got from Cynthia was that she was starting to feel the strain that her “acting” was putting on their relationship. There’s only so much one can do something to please their partner before it starts becoming a chore and you start to resent the other person for putting you in a position where you feel that you have to do something in order to keep them in your life.

From what I can see there isn’t much negotiation of these scenes. Evelyn writes on a piece of paper that she will scrub boots outside for a certain period of time at which point Cynthia will come out and find her slacking off and punish her for it. Evelyn washes Cynthia’s underwear with her hands and forgets a piece of underwear. Cynthia “checks” her work and finds said underwear and repeats the same lines from the beginning of the movie. Throughout you see Cynthia drinking lots and lots of water. You see, one of her punishments was to be a human toilet for not washing the underwear. So as she drank more and more, we giggled. Towards the end I started wincing.

However Evelyn polished another lecturers boots and caused a rift. And as their relationship got more strained and the kinky stuff stopped as they rediscovered what they wanted from each other and loved about each other before it was all about the kinky things and you saw their love blossom. Yet at the end of the movie you see Cynthia don her “mistress” attire and say the same lines you saw her repeat at the beginning of the movie.

I think we all have a part to play in kinky relationships. It’s easy to get caught up in the “me, do me” syndrome and not take into consideration what your partner wants or needs from your interactions as well. I guess that’s why negotiation is a high priority. Talking about what you both need and how to go about getting that without pushing the other person into a place where they are a service top or a rent a dom to your needs or desires. BDSM is a two way street and it works perfectly when you are both aligned in what you desire and need from each other in that space.

I’ve said it before and it’s still true. BDSM doth not a relationship make. If you’re in an intimate relationship with someone it’s icing on the cake. It’s not the be all and end all of your relationship. At least it shouldn’t be, not in an intimate romantic relationship. Sure there are relationships where it’s pure S&M or D/S – however those don’t tend to include building a life together outside of the play space. So that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I remember one scene that had me cheering – Cynthia, for Evelyn’s birthday, wanted to order her a bed with a lockable compartment underneath so she could lock her in there. However when the bed maker couldn’t deliver the bed within the time it would take for her birthday Evelyn pouted and wanted to know if they could give her more money to make it arrive quicker. The answer was no, they couldn’t. So Cynthia blindfolds Evelyn on the night of her birthday and takes her into the kitchen where there is an empty cake stand and all the ingredients laid out. She takes off her blindfold and Evelyn falters. She looks confused and asks where her cake is. Cynthia replies, “It’s right in front of you” as she pushes the recipe onto the cake stand in front of Evelyn and continues on, “you will be making the cake.” Evelyn looks shocked and then confused. “But I never made a cake before” she stutters. This is after the betrayal from Evelyn of polishing someone else’s boots and getting punished. Cynthia, dressed in tights and a frilly top shrugs and leaves her to it in the kitchen as she says she is going to go change into something more comfortable. We then pan to Cynthia sitting in a high-backed chair in her pyjama’s – the significance of this is the last time Cynthia wore pyjama’s Evelyn turned down her advances saying that she looked horrible and wasn’t dressed in anything that inspired her to be sexual – Evelyn starts when she realises what Cynthia is wearing. She hands her the cake and is told to lay down on the floor. Cynthia then puts her sock covered foot on Evelyn’s chest. When Evelyn protests Cynthia puts her socked foot over her mouth as you see a tear fall out of Evelyn’s eye as she said her safeword which is ignored. I cheered for the woman who stepped up and took back the power in the relationship. I cheered for the woman who finally got to understand what submission means.

I cheered because… well…

… sometimes D/s isn’t fun. It’s not about what you want. It’s about what they want. It’s about giving up a part of yourself to serve someone else. Sure you can act these bits out now and then in the bedroom or over a weekend, but ultimately, I’ve done 24/7 before and I lost myself. That path leads to darkness and uncertainty. My brand of D/s now flourishes when I’m left to my own devices, when I have some set boundaries in place regards to play, relationships, my access to my body for certain things, etc. I hate being micro managed. I hate and baulk at someone telling me what to do. Sometimes when Cern says something that gets my back up I have to remind myself to back down and acquiesce. And sometimes I don’t. But with a power exchange comes some understanding of what you’ve agreed to and signed up for. And that’s that sometimes I don’t get to do what I want when I want and that sometimes what he says goes. Even if it sets my teeth on edge to comply.

The challenge and triumph of a successful relationship, especially in a kinky sense, is one where you both communicate what you desire and negotiate how to achieve your goals – much like a normal relationship. However I’ve found that this works better on a foundation of love, trust and mutual respect first. Kinky stuff is fun, its great fun, I totally love it… but it’s not all of who I am.

I am more than my love of pain. Of leather. Of rope. I’m multifaceted and BDSM is just one side of me.

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Stories telling stories

The other night we got to watch an 80s movie with the producer and some actors in residence for a Q&A afterwards.

To say that I was pleasantly surprised by the movie is an understatement. I wondered why I hadn’t seen the movie before now as it is a timeless art house production.

What’s the movie? It’s called The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey.

It’s about men in a 14th century Scottish mining town trying to escape the Black Death. And in doing so you’re transported with them to 20th Century New Zealand in a quest to save the village of the plague.

Only there’s a twist. And I’m not going to tell you what it is.

But one thing the producer said during the Q&A struck home. It’s a story about a story. And sometimes those are the most powerful stories. And I think this story actually moved me. It was engaging and interesting. You have what the fuck moments but then it still keeps you interested.

And then when the lights came back on we were surprised to spot my friend a few seats down. Being that she’s a huge rock star I didn’t expect to see her at a small art house screening in Parramatta! Score.

Onto a personal note: I’ve been a bit quiet because I’m still unpacking and haven’t set up my computer as yet. And we had a storm rage through Sydney and the Central Coast (anywhere else in the world it would have been classified a cat 2 cyclone) last week that has caused a lot of damage which means I’ve been working super long hours trying to get power back to people who were going 10 days without power by the end there. It’s been 2 weeks of irrationality, stupidity and perseverance.

I can’t wait to go back to my mundane work week next week.

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Road Tripping: Texas take 2

I know y’all been hanging out for this and so here we go. It’s a follow on from here for those not up to date.

I got driven to the airport by Scotty and with a cuddle, kiss and grope and some words telling me to look after myself and get back to him in one piece I was on a plane bound for San Antonio again.

When I landed in San Antonio I was picked up at the airport by Daddy. Who drove wrapped me up in a great big hug and deposited me in this car as we drove off. We went for a brief drive where he showed me his place that he shared with his brother. I met the cat and I got to be a sticky beak at check out the books. There were books everywhere and books tell you a lot about a person.

We didn’t stay long before he drove me off to the hotel that he had booked for me to stay in. The Emily Morgan is really a very pretty hotel and I loved it. It had gargoyles on the outside, instant love for me. Gargoyles on anything. Love! It dates back to the 1920’s and the rooms were just quaint and darling. Definitely somewhere to go stay at again if I’m in town. It’s a few minutes walk to the River Walk and shops. And the Alamo.

I had 3 nights there, we spent 2 of those together, I had a night off in between to catch up with someone I went on a date with last time I was on town but it never turned into anything but friendship. He’s a lovely guy and we talk each other’s ears off.

But the first night was great, Daddy decided that we were going to have dinner close by so we went off to dinner by the river and I ate some gumbo because I was having withdrawals from New Orleans. We chatted about everything, lots of things, music, books, our disbelief in the religious icons that litter our world with such hatred and discord. The gumbo was perfect, the twinkly lights along the river were just wonderful – as was the company.

We headed back to the room after a brief walk around after dinner and sat and talked a bit, he opened the toy bag he brought along and there were all kinds of fun leather things in there – however being that I was taught to not play with other people’s toys I sat and stared at it longingly.

Which I then promptly forgot because things started to get hot and heavy. His grin widened as I undressed slowly for him with some shimmy’s. His eyes might have rolled back in his head as I started to devour him slowly. Suffice to say, we didn’t leave the room for the rest of the night and there was a lot of fun had.

The next day he offered to take me out to his quad biking ranch. His brother and he were starting a new business you see, quad biking. I was overjoyed. I might have squealed. A wee bit.

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Hello New Year! New you? New whatever.

January 1st:

I spent the day in my PJ’s at home on the couch with my best friend watching Iron Man 1 – 3 and the Hobbit. This is what all “the day after NYE” should be about. We giggled about the pictures on FB from when my wife and I tied up the blow up doll at my friend’s house that was hanging on her clothes line. I lamented about the fact that I seemed to be the local “spill your sticky drink on” gal. Granted it meant that a certain friend got to use her tongue to clean me up, but that’s beside the point. It isn’t fun being the local popsicle that’s alcohol flavoured.

New years resolution – day 1. Sustainable. No urges to run off and masturbate like crazy detected. All good Houston, we don’t have any complaints from the downstairs department.

January 2nd:

Work. Wait. What? Oh em gee. They want me to worrrrrrrrrrrrrrk.

New years resolution – day 2. Not so sustainable. There is talk of a mutiny from the locals. Not aided by the fact that Loki has now decided that he is enjoying being in control so is ever so helpfully telling me to play, then stopping me half way through and sending me to bed. This was a bit do-able. Which is surprising in itself. There was only a small amount of whining included in this phone call.

I think I’m still quite content from the epic session a few days ago. I mean I somehow ended up diagonal across my bed and half way down the mattress and my house-mate said she enjoyed the noises coming from my bedroom. I love my pervy roommates.

Self control. I haz it!

January 3rd:

Fuck this work. Why am I here again?

New years resolution – day 3. The locals are still rowdy. They aren’t quite ready to mutiny and kill me. There are talks happening though. In hushed circles far from where I can hear.

I can do this damn you vajayjay.

I will win

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Wrong date night!

So last night I thought I was meant to be at IMAX to see a special preview of a movie that hasn’t been released yet.

We got there and then were told that it was next week. No, I says, that surely can’t be true. My email says that it’s on Wednesday. On closer inspection it says the 28th of August, Wednesday. Oh that’s NEXT WEEK?! OOhh hahahaha er right. I knew that.

We decided to watch Elyisum while we were there… Matt Damon, robotic shit and space, how bad could it be right? Ughghghghhhhh!

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