23

Bloggy visitors and the beginning of something different…

I know this update has been long overdue. Y’all can spank me later.

I’ve been really slack, however my 2 week holiday I was taking off to show Johnny around my hometown turned into a whirlwind coming together of me and Cern in the merriest of ways and I felt horrible but it also meant that I spent more time with Cern that at home or anywhere else.

download

However it was nearly a week after Johnny landed that I reached my limit of not seeing Cern and decided I needed my hands on him, my face in his chest and to be able to breathe him in. Plus, I was horny. That always helps.

We’d been texting each other a bit in that time anyway, so when he said Tuesday I said yes. There was no other answer to that question. He wanted to cook us his amazing spaghetti bolognaise. He seemed to think I was going to fall to his feet and offer him my eternal gratitude and declare him my food god. And to be fair, he makes a decent spag bol. It was tasty. I still think mine’s better – but as I said to him last night, my spag bol is never the same. I am always adding all kinds of things to it to see what works – especially spicy things.

So while Cern was cooking, him and Johnny were chatting about various things and I was salivating because I was starving and admiring how Cern looked rape-able standing in our suspension frame in the living room. That man has a way of derailing even the best thoughts I have. This night, however, was a night that marked us spending rather a long time in each other’s company.

The next night we both had dates in the City, so we helped each other get ready. It was so comfortable, sure it felt a bit weird when I thought about how we were getting each other ready for a date with someone else, but at the same time, it felt like it was something we’d been doing forever and it was ok. I’m not sure how to describe this feeling. When we kissed each other goodbye on the way out of the door and said “Hope you have a good night” – We meant it. I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his date. On his way back to me from his date however I got a message saying that he felt like shit and I started to fret. He didn’t feel 100% going on the date and I thought he should postpone but he was adamant that he go. I wasn’t going to stop him, he’s a big boy and can make those decisions. I wanted him to call me if he felt that he couldn’t drive to me and I’d get a cab to him to drive him home.

He got sicker the next day so I nursed him for a few nights in my bed. We then moved from my house to his house and I stayed with him for 4 days. I met his kids – who are totally adorable. My niece still wins in the ultimate cute stakes though, but I’ll say his come a close second. Christmas was a bit of a write off, he was still pretty sick so we spent the night doing what two geeks together do best, we set up his living room so that we had a gaming centre and played Diablo 3’s expansion together. We spent our nights curled up sleeping, or if he was feeling up for it we’d fuck. I wanted to make sure he didn’t kill himself in the process, sexing isn’t as important as him getting better but being that I am me, there’s no way I was going to say no to him ripping my knickers off and taking advantage of me.

He returned me home the night before new years eve.

Considering that I’d put out a blanket invite to all my friends to come over with their own food and their own drinks and join us in seeing in the new year I had no idea who was going to show and who wasn’t and thankfully we had a small gathering of my urban family. I couldn’t have asked for better company.

Except I didn’t have Cern.

download (1)

He dropped by on Tuesday so we spent some time together before NYE – he said that he had decided to spend the night with his other girl that he was dating. Apparently she was going to be on her own otherwise and he wasn’t up for a big night.

I thought I would be ok with this, I mean I just spent nearly over a week with the guy and we were only meant to be FWB right? Right. A break would be good for us.

But no matter how I rationalised it, my heart wasn’t having a bar of it.

Logically, it made sense. Totally.

Emotionally? Well. Emotionally it felt like I wasn’t important enough to see in the new year with. And no matter how I knew we’d just overdosed on each other for a week, that for this one night, I’d have preferred to spend it with him and would have forgone everyone else.

When he sent me a message saying that he felt wrong, my first thought was he was sick again and I needed to go get him. When he explained that he felt wrong driving away from my house, the penny dropped. He said some things clarified for him during that drive, he wanted to talk to me about it in the new year. My heart dropped, it sounded ominous, until he assured me that it definitely wasn’t. But him feeling wrong about not being with me didn’t change my current situation. That I wasn’t with him and that’s where I would have rather have been. Being that I’m not one to tell someone how to live their lives I told him he made his choice where he was spending the night and that I was disappointed but I wasn’t going to make him feel guilty for not being with me. It’s not the way I roll. I hold my hurt and roll with it. Such is life right? Tomorrow would be a new day.

Epiphany nights? Oh yes, welcome NYE for me. I learnt something that night and as I said to him in the text message, I didn’t want to talk about it because it was making me sad. And NYE shouldn’t be sad, it should be fun. I wanted to enjoy my friends company. Little did I know that he had taken up a whole chunk of real estate in my brain and I couldn’t dislodge him, no matter what I talked about, or what we watched or what I drank.

download (2)

I learnt that somehow, even though I hadn’t wanted to, my heart-strings had sneakily attached themselves to this man I’d met. Not only had he snuck under my defences sexually. He’d done it emotionally too. But what do I do with this new information?

I spent a lot of time on NYE pretending to watch movies and thinking. I thought about how my last boyfriend had been with me, but he hadn’t been with me. He was there physically, but mentally, emotionally… he was vacant. I may as well have slept with a friend when it came to him. He was sexually uninterested. He was emotionally unavailable. I took stock of my current situation and I saw parallels that scared me.

As a FWB, the fact that Cern spent a lot of time talking to all his other women while we were together didn’t bother me, nor should it have. I had no emotional connection to him. Nor he to me. But with the added fact that I wasn’t spending NYE with him came the realisation that he didn’t have time for me. But that I also wanted him to have time for me. I couldn’t ask this of him. How could I? We were FWB. That would be changing things. He stated time and time again that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. And I thought I wasn’t either, yet this man pulled at me and made me want something I wasn’t ready to want. So what could I do? Where did this leave me? Us?

I didn’t sleep after midnight on NYE. In fact I was awake until 6am. I watched the sun rise. I laid in bed, tossing. Turning. Crying. Sighing. Kicking myself mentally but deciding that I can’t keep doing this. These are the patterns that I’m trying to break. I made a decision in those wee hours, with a hangover that would have killed anyone else and a headache from crying that would have toppled a better person. My decision? I would walk away from Cern.

I finally fell asleep about 7 am. But I was up again about 10.30 am as we were going with my urban family for a drive to a beach down south that was meant to have water clearer than any tropical island.

Having made a decision I actually enjoyed the time with my urban family at the beach, even if it was with a heavy heart, I knew I’d made the right decision. It’s easier walking away from something at the beginning than it is part way through it when you’re more emotionally involved. The water was indeed pristine. We got scared out of the water by sharks 4 times. But we used the boys as shark bait and made them swim at least 5 meters in front of us. Thanks Johnny!

On our drive back I got a text message from Cern.

images

He needed to see me. I asked him when, he said that night. I got a bit confused, aren’t you staying with your other friend tonight too? I thought you were? He said no, he was leaving there to see me. He needed to see me. The urgency of his text messages caught me. Ok I said. We’re driving home now. It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive back to Sydney from Jervis Bay. We’ll be home about 7 – 7.30 depending on traffic.

I got a message from him saying he was at my place at 7 pm. I said we’re still on the road and that we’ll be there soon. We got home about 7.30 pm that night. As Johnny and I rounded the corner of my apartment I saw him sitting on the floor outside the door of my apartment with his laptop propped in his lap. The image made me smile genuinely for the first time in the last 24 hours.

He looked frazzled. Sitting there like that. And the knowledge that my insides were happy at seeing him didn’t pass me without me noticing. But I was more curious about what he wanted to talk to me about and why the urgency in needing to see me when he had established plans with someone else.

So I helped him inside the apartment…

Watch this space for part 2.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Also don’t forget that I’m doing Kinky Q & A again now guys! I’ll missing this week but will post up questions next week. So feel free to email me : spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page up the top!

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

images

Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

Never-Take-Someone-Feelings-Courage-Funny-Health-Jokes-and-Safety-Quotes

The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

36

Poly trials and new discoveries

Well you guys know that I’ve been seeing Cern, the new FWB.

I’ve also been in contact with Scotty a lot over the last week – about the upcoming Vegas trip next year, Burning Man and my accommodation for both.

So let’s start with Scotty, shall we?

I was chatting to him the other day saying that I was thinking of staying at the Golden Nugget in Fremont because it’s one of my favourite hotels in Vegas when he mentioned that I should be aware that I may end up cancelling the room. Prior to all this he had said that I would be cancelling any room I booked. So that was flag number one for me. I knew his new fiance wasn’t feeling quite ok with me. Which is fair enough. If I were in her shoes and some blast from the past was coming to town I’d be feeling a bit unbalanced too. I pre-date her in his love. I get it, it doesn’t hurt less though.

So I asked him then if he would be ok with me messaging her on facebook to reach out before I go there so that maybe we can start up a friendship and she may feel a bit more comfortable that I’m not coming to town to mess up their relationship and that I’m not a threat of any kind. He said he thought it was a wonderful idea and that she’s be totally open to that.

Cue my writing her a message 4 days ago.

4 days of silence.

I started to cry every time I thought about it 2 days ago.

Continue Reading

23

Mental Health Week

I’m not sure if you guys are aware but tomorrow is Mental Health DayFriday 10th October. So in support of this I’m going to write about my issues centring around depression and health.

This year has been a bit of a rough ride for me. I went through my first bout of depression when one of my friends committed suicide and I broke up with my ex girlfriend.

This year I got dumped via text message because he was too scared to try. I found out the reason I seem to be piling on the weight even though I’m eating right and exercising didn’t have to do with me, but because my ovaries and PCOS has decided that I need another round of fucking up my life with insulin resistance. My blood sugar is so high that 1 more point and I’m diabetic. Yes, remind me to thank you ovaries again, for fucking my life over in so many nice ways. I’m on tablets I take daily, I started them 3 days ago. I’ve lost 3 kilo’s in 3 days. I’m on my way back, but the urge to run and hide is like a drug to me at the moment.

I can’t figure out if I’m currently agoraphobic because I’m depressed or I’m agoraphobic because I just don’t want to go out.

If only I could lose the big black cloud that’s currently circling my head because let me tell you something; knowing that you’re doing all the right things and your body isn’t doing what it’s meant to is a real kick in the cunt. I’ve rejoined the gym up the road so that I don’t have to avoid going for a run because it’s raining any more. My membership starts tomorrow and I can’t wait to get back into it. Also the fact that I can’t seem to find a man worth of even a cup of coffee and some talk is super depressing. Am I going to be alone forever? Should I get some more cats to counteract this?

I’m off to see my GP this weekend to get a referral to see a psychologist. Because in Australia you can get 10 free visits to a shrink for free under our health system. I’m going to make use of it, because I know what she’s going to say to me when I’m back on that couch. But sometimes I need to hear it from someone else that isn’t a friend or family. Sometimes I need to hear that anyone, given the circumstances would feel the same. I need to hear that I’m not crazy and that I will be ok. Soon.

Health wise I feel like I have taken back some control of my life. Things are going back the way the need to be. In a months time I go and get my insulin levels checked again and hopefully, hopefully they are climbing down. And with them my weight and my depression.

Continue Reading

14

Road Tripping: Sobering up in Vegas with Scotty

You know, I’ve had a pretty shitty week so I thought what better way to end it than to start to wrap up my very first State-side road trip.

So I believe we left off where I woke up with the random Santa in my bed and drunk amnesia, no?

2 days of alcohol poisoning had left me feeling a bit weak and useless. My luggage had finally turned up so I walked down to the Greyhound station to pick up my pretty pink wheelie and take it back to my room and finally get into some clean clothes.

Scotty had been in contact again, requesting my presence. I begged off saying I wasn’t human and he told me I didn’t have a say because he couldn’t take care of me unless we were together. So he asked where I was staying, what room I was in and turned up no more than 30 minutes later. Settled into the sofa in my room and just looked hot and smouldering staring at me while I tried to unpack my clothes as I got more and more flustered at his staring and his caresses as I passed by. Ok, so maybe I stopped to throw myself into his lap on occasion to make out and hump his leg. I am not above my hormones, oh no.

I gave up trying to unpack my wayward luggage and sat on the edge of the bed feeling about as useful as tits on a bull when Scotty pipes up that I should just pack up my luggage and go stay with him.

You could hear the crickets chirping as I considered this.

Continue Reading

19

Serendipity + Loki = baggage check!

I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.

Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.

[ source]

Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.

Serendipity…

Luis_Royo_029

I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…

I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me,  then I have to slap myself out of it.

But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.

Serendipity.

Tag Loki, you’re it.

Continue Reading

2

The L word

And no, I don’t mean the L word as in the lesbian TV series, although it was a great soft porn show… if I do say so myself.

So let’s talk about that funny thing that makes us all giddy, high, scared, neurotic and warm and fuzzy about another person.

Loki texted me last Tuesday. He texted me something that made me pause. I felt my heart skip a few beats and then flutter to life and beat stupidly fast as I grinned like the cat that got the cream. Literally.

Continue Reading

6

Para-noir – I fuck you because I loved you

“para-noir,” which was meant to represent excessive darkness and the paranoia of trust – Marilyn Manson

I was listening to this song while working and the meaning of the song, why it was written and the responses made me think about the various reasons why I’ve fucked people.

You see, according to Manson – he had a huge amount of girls come through and he asked them why they would fuck him. Their responses are what makes this song. The chorus is his reply to them.

And I thought what a quaint idea. To make a post about the why’s of fucking.

I’d fuck you because you’re famous

Would you? Have you? Could you?

My answer… Possibly. Chemistry has always been a very big reason in whether I let someone get between my legs. Because they are famous doesn’t change the equation. I need chemistry. I need lust. I need something.

Continue Reading

12

Meeting Loki for the first time… and then my clothes fell off

Well you guys know that I’ve talked to Loki online now for a long while. And we had our first face to face when I was in the States.

Actually he came to pick me up from the Greyhound stop (which was a wooden hut in the middle of nowhere). To paint the picture, it’s on a back road. There’s a petrol station on the corner. There was a huge parking lot behind me. Some train tracks. No shops. No houses. And this white hut.

I stepped off the greyhound, after a harrowing 28 hours travelling – the snow storms cancelled services, the ice on the road meant that when we were actually on the road a snail would have passed us in speed… So by the time I actually arrived in West Virginia, I had baby puke on my shoulder as a child’s little baby decided that I was more interesting than his mother and glued himself to me, I was tired, cranky, hungry and my hair looked like an eagle’s nest.

image2

Like this…

Sexy, I had it written all over me. I don’t know how he kept himself off me, really.

Continue Reading