I spent this morning connecting with all my men that were overseas. My best friend always and sometimes lover, J and Scotty. So based on that I thought I should go into details about things I may have omitted before.
I’ve also finished chapter 1 of my American travels – but I wanted to go over my friendship/relationship/whatever-ship with Scotty. You can get access to all the travel stories through the new menu option up the top that I’ve made for all my debauchery.
What I didn’t go into with my posts about my sexual exploits across America was my relationship with Scotty. I touched on it, but since 2011 we have been in contact. He asked me to marry him continuously for just over a year after I came back.
I never took him seriously, I thought he was caught up in some holiday romance and that he’d find someone close to home that would love him as much as he needs and deserves to be loved. Last year after my breakup I was seriously considering his offer. I was going to go to Vegas and marry him, to hell with the consequences. I knew we got along, I knew we had amazing sex and I thought for once in my life I was going to do something that was so out of character for me that would make my life turn on its head for once. I was going to marry him. Right after I went and did Mardi Gras I was going to spend time with him in we’d finally go get hitched and then I’d have to sort out the rest of my life and how we were going to make it work. Except I met Loki and it didn’t work that way.
We often joked while I was there that we’d get married and I wanted it to be a classy affair. In a bright pink Cadillac. Through the drive through registry. I said that I’d give him a congratulatory blow job before we’d even pulled out of the registry drive through window with the hood down. I’m such a classy bitch sometimes. We joked and laughed so hard I had tears. He joked that he would introduce me to his friends as his future ex-wife, until I said that if I do get married it’s a forever deal. There is no future ex-wife. I’m only doing this marriage thing once if I have to and by golly he was fucking stuck with me if we did. He stopped saying that after that discussion and just started referring to me as wife.
Obviously our lives were led differently. I never felt like we were in a relationship where you talk every day, you check in, you chat about nonsensical things. If I saw him post on Facebook about something that interested us both, we’d have a chat about it on messenger. If he sounded like he was having a rough day, I’d message him to see if there was anything I could do to help. Today he had a rough day to do with his family. I sent him virtual hug pictures. We thought of each other, we are connected, yet through the last 3 years I guess the reason I didn’t take his marriage offers seriously was because I never felt that he actually wanted me. There was no pursuing, no barrage of contact, no communication. Yet when we did communicate, once a month or so, it was like we’d never stopped talking. Today was no different. So a little part of me that I left with him aches because I feel that I might have missed something there. I didn’t pursue it hard enough, did I miss something?
But I guess for me, what was different was that being the way I am and having my own pitfalls and baggage, I thought he just wasn’t interested in me enough for me to pack my bags and fly to another country. For if I felt that he felt that strongly I think I would have done it years ago. Isn’t it funny how words, with distance, need that constant reassurance that you are desired and wanted. For me, there was none of that. I heard the words “marry me” but I didn’t see or feel the follow through with it. Would I have acted differently if he had pursued me a bit harder? Yeah, I think I would have.
He is now engaged to a lovely lady and they are deeply in love and obviously well suited for each other. He dreams of a poly household where we all live together. As it is, I’m adamant I’m going to Burning Man next year. He said he is organising a trailer that sleeps nine so I am to camp with them. I’m hoping that the tickets come through and if they do then camping together is going to be interesting.
He wants me to move to Vegas because I mentioned that I’m a bit starved of affection here. There is just no one that holds my interest, no one that I want to spend time with and no one to give me cuddles. I feel so isolated. He said if I lived there with them that I would have all the love in the world. And I believe him.
So then the question becomes where do we go from here? For me it’s still one step at a time, I need to finish my degree before I can even look at moving overseas since I can’t really get a visa without a job and I can’t get a job that will sponsor me without my Science degree.
Does this change the things as they are? No, not really. I’m still not dating anyone. I’m not going to. I think I just want to focus on me, getting myself fitter, better mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place once I feel better in myself. I know this.
What do I do with Scotty? What we’ve always done. He’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always think of him and have that piece ache. Will he ever have his happy poly family? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
I think I need to do more soul-searching before I can answer that question.
But for now I’ll give him my love, because I give that freely anyway to those I feel deserve my time and energy. And remember to give myself some loving too.