4

Turkey basting sperm, surrogacy & pregnancy.

This is a bit more of a serious post.

Not sure I’ve made one of those in a while. But there you go.

The stage: a question, delicately posed, yet still creating a drop in my stomach and the urge to throw up. Isn’t it funny that whenever Cern says “I have something to talk to you about” that’s my reaction? Anyway.

He mentions that a while ago, long before he met me, he offered his sperm to a lesbian friend of his if she ever had need of it and wanted to conceive with her partner. What a lovely idea right? Right.

So, he said that she’d gotten in contact and wanted to claim his swimmers.

Well ok. He didn’t say it in those terms precisely. However that’s how it has stuck in my head.

And he asked me if I would be ok with it?

Uhmm. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nooooooooooooooooo. I asked him to give me some breathing space as I needed to sort through my reactions. They were extreme, well, extreme for me.

I didn’t want to be the bitch that denied his friend a baby so I wanted to say yes. Yet at the same time I didn’t want to see his face in her child’s everytime we saw them since they are friends and I assume there would be cross over somewhere along the way so I also wanted to say no.

How doth one throw caution to the wind and say to one’s lover, sure honey – go knock up your friend, I’m totally cool with it!

And in a way, I felt that I was being bypassed, yet again, for a partner to have a baby with someone else instead of me.

That last line is all baggage. From my ex, the baby daddy, the one who procreated with someone else while with me…

Logically, I know that it’s not true. Emotionally though, it’s really hard to deal with the fact that I just don’t feel that I can do it. I want to be at a place where this kind of thing doesn’t phase me and I can totally get behind his urge to spread his sperm to anyone that wants to have a child. I really really do. Yet at the same time it eats at me.  Why do I seem to find men that want to have babies with everyone else? Do I give off some kind of signal that makes men believe that of me?

Again, don’t answer that question. I know it totally doesn’t apply to this situation, but who ever said emotions were logical?

I guess what this whole thing brought up for me was a Pandora’s box of things I thought I had dealt with. Surprise, obviously I didn’t deal with them that well…

I still wish I could give him what he wants, but I did say that I think we should both see a relationship counsellor, because this whole thing is making me feel things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue and if anything, we might get some good communication skills out of it. He agreed and said that it was part of the process that we see a counsellor anyway. So I left him to organise a date and gave him a referral of a councillor that a friend recommended for couples counselling of relationships that weren’t “vanilla”.

In the meantime I’ve tried to sort through my knee jerk emotions and have ended up with a big ball of “I don’t know what the fuck I want” and don’t really have a way of unravelling it.

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So I’m going to outline the various emotions in bullet point in the hopes that I can see some kind of pattern and pinpoint where my emotional instability is coming from:

  • Scared – scared that I’m never going to be enough for anyone and that I just don’t offer anyone anything to stay around – hello daddy baggage!
  • Unwanted – I know logically that this is a silly emotion, but it’s not one that I can dislodge. I feel like I am missing something because everyone else wants babies with everyone else and I’m like the invisible woman in the middle of the equation
  • Confused – I don’t know if I said yes what would this involve. Do we visit it every other month? Do it be a part of our lives? Or is it something that’s separate and something that he and I don’t get involved in? Do we never see it? Do we see it every Xmas? (I want to reiterate here that he said that there was a strict guideline that they’d drawn out and all he would ever be is the sperm donor – no contact, not listed as parent, not a next of kin, etc) But then it makes me feel sick to think that I’ll be saying hello to his child with someone else every time we see his friends, if we see his friends. Does that even make sense considering we have his 2 little ones every other weekend anyway yet I don’t feel like that with them?
  • Loved – he is being so patient with me on this one. He’s given me time, space and hasn’t bugged me about it. I feel like such a let down because I can’t say yes to him. I want to say yes to him yet at the same time if I did say yes and wasn’t emotionally ready to I’m scared it would break something in me.
  • Conflicted – A small part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and say yes. Do it. The other part of me is gripping on for dear life and saying no, I can’t do this. I don’t know which side to give in to.

Yeah, that list hasn’t really helped me at all.

A friend of mine said I should write it down. Process it. And I am writing, but nothing is coming to me.

I know that Cern is not my ex. I know that he wouldn’t do something this huge without my consent and knowing I am 100% OK with it to go ahead.

Yet I have that small part of me waiting for the axe to fall. Is this just a self-confidence thing? Is it because I don’t feel that I’m worth it in some way? Is it just because of dealing with an old lover who shattered me quite a few years ago?

And not long after this conversation my dreams of being pregnant started. Nearly every other night. I’d be pregnant in my head. These dreams were really not helping. Pandora’s box. I have it. I wish I could break it and find the easy solution to this problem.  But I don’t have it. And I don’t know how to deal with an answer for Cern.

Yes?                                     Or no? 

 

0

Love is

Your beautiful lover boy getting his pipboy earlier than you because he didn’t have a seniors moment and click delivery but pick up from store and because EB Games still has mine in the mail. So instead of watching me cry while he plays, he copies the files for me and waits for the game to install on my computer too so we can both play together.

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My vault boy vinyl toy and nuka cola shirts not included in pic.

Awwwww! He’s such a sweetheart!

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Because I'm only saying I love you to him in Turkish

This post bought to you by warm fuzzies and love.

2

Mothering. The joys of living with a 70+ year old. And escaping to another state.

Remember when I thought it was a good idea to move back home to help mum out and also save myself some money?

Next time I think of anything remotely interesting like this and being a good Samaritan, someone please slap me back to earth.

Apart from that it’s been a pretty full on 7 months. Cern is living in my mum’s granny flat out the back and spending lots of time between my bedroom and his bedroom. Bless him, he hasn’t unpacked a box yet so there are tunnels from his bedroom to the kitchen & bathroom. At this rate I may need to start nagging him to hurry up so that at least we have a space to escape to that mum isn’t likely to follow.

Cern and I are still going strong. We went on a road trip to Melbourne and surrounds just over a week ago for a week together. He did most of the driving and I did most of the sleeping. There was a reason for all my sleeping, but that’s for another post.

The drive down we ended up doing a bit late because we got distracted at the EB Games Expo, we were meant to be there for a few hours and leave, but ended up staying the whole day.

So on the drive down we stayed at some place. Somewhere. Inland. The sun was out, I was howling with some songs on the radio and Cern hadn’t thrown me out of the moving car yet, I figured we were good.

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We stayed with my other state Wifey and we road tested that her creaky bed does not, in fact, collapse if you fuck on it even after she said to stick to the middle of the bed. We drove around, went sex toy shopping to the local warehouse full of adult things. It was rather boring, believe it or not. I think we go into them more these days because of the novelty of it. Honestly, half the clothes there wouldn’t even fit my nipple in it, let alone my boob. The sex toys weren’t that interesting, I think Cern may have ruined me with Bad Dragon toys. Honestly. We found a jerky house, I kid you not, an actual shop that just sells jerky! Cern had a jerky-gasm.

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Back to the point though. I took lots of pictures, we went dinosaur fossil hunting – which involved me wildly bashing rocks with my geopick while Cern carefully smashed some rocks to look inside a lot. I found the pulverizing cleansing. He got upset at me because a rock I was holding with a fossil dissolved in my hand in the wind. I swear it was an accident. So we had to find him another one lest I die of misplaced wind guilt.

The view along the Great Ocean Road was very pretty though. Here’s some peektures for you all.

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We saw a lot of koala’s running around on the ground. Well. Running is an overstatement. They kind of do this barreling weird walk thing. However they are cute. I don’t care how many I thought were morphing into drop bears at night with their calling out for females to hump and the fact that I nearly crawled up Cern during our night-time wander around the camp yard to find the wifi since we were in the middle of nowhere and had no reception for anything.

The things I learnt about my relationship with Cern after being in a car with him for a week?

  1. He thinks my weird peculiarities are amusing
  2. He doesn’t mind that I sing as badly as nails going down a chalkboard
  3. He lets me sleep and does most of the driving without holding it against me
  4. He says I shrink his car whenever he tries to get back into the driver’s side after I’ve driven because I’m so small and have to move the seat up so far
  5. He’s a funny lil/big shit that makes me laugh a lot
  6. He doesn’t mind stopping when I squee at things and letting me get out of the car to take peektures to show friends on facebook, sometimes even reversing said car back up the road
  7. He laughs at my moody phases
  8. Being near him has a calming effect on me when he’s not hurting me to listen to me giggle or inappropriately groping me in public so I say “sweetie” in a high-pitched WTF did you do man kinda voice
  9. He drives like a mad man when I point out that he’s giving me a heart attack
  10. I love him and thank the stars that he’s hung around for this long

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0

Insanity. Instability. And love.

This week was meant to be court week.

The week where we got to finally have our say and put the arsehole who raped my friend behind bars. Or at least deported out of the country.

But it’s been postponed. Again.

This weekend had been hard. It was emotionally tough. And poor Cern tried to break through to me on multiple occasions and I didn’t know how to let him in.

Except on Sunday night. The night before all hell was going to break loose. I couldn’t sleep. Even wrapped in his arms I felt restless. Adrift. Alone. I’d walled myself in and as much as I wanted to kick down the walls because I was suffocating I had no idea how to let myself out. I could hear him knocking. But it sounded like he was miles away.

Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Fear.

Fear is such a huge catalyst. The thought that both my friend and I have to go through this again in 3 months terrifies me. That I know it’s for the best and that it’s what he deserves doesn’t lessen the burden of fear. Fear for my friends sanity of having to relieve her rape again and again for 2 years. The fear that this fucking thing will never go away. The fear that she won’t cope and because I’m so emotionally retarded that I won’t be able to help her. Fear that we’d fail. Fear in knowing how often rape cases go to court and the outcomes. Fear that because it was his word against hers and that she’d had a few drinks that night it would mean it’s her fault. Fear that no matter what we said and how we told the truth, that he’d win.

Try as I might I couldn’t verbalise any of it. I couldn’t let it out. For the first time ever I turned from him in the hopes of being able to breathe instead of feeling like I was drowning. I wanted to be in his arms yet felt suffocated when I was. Not because of him, not because of us, but because I was breaking. And to top it off I felt like I was competing for his time with his phone – when I tried to turn over he shut down whatever he was doing and it just made me withdraw more. It felt like he was hiding things from me and that just puts me into a state where I just can’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It was disastrous and to be honest it makes me emotionally wall off even more.

I have a stupid habit of playing my cards close to my chest. It’s how I’ve always been, I’ve never really had anyone else to lean on. So when Cern keeps telling me that I have him I don’t know how to respond. Do I really? Does anyone ever really have anyone to depend on other than themselves? Every single time I’ve reached out my hand has been bitten off. I’m weary. Yet I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong one. Of keeping it together. I’m just bone weary tired.

So he put his phone down and tried to get me to talk. Repeatedly. The man has the patience of a saint. And for that I’m grateful. Because I was crying on the inside. I was flooding and drowning and I couldn’t talk to him even after he requested I did time and time again.

And then it happened as he touched my arm and moved closer to me. My walls cracked. And as he held me and rolled me on top of him I sobbed great big ugly heaving sobs, he rubbed my back, patted my hair, kissed my wet face and told me over and over again that he’s not letting me go. That I can lean on him and let it out. And I did. I flopped on top of him not caring a wit if I was crushing him and I cried until I felt like I couldn’t cry any more. Except there’s always more tears aren’t there? There are tears and there’s that ugly crying face, which thankfully he didn’t see much of because the room was dark.

And as I cried he explained to me why he loved me. Why I meant so much to him. How I’m now his family and that I don’t have to do things on my own any more. He told me how much his kids loved me and that I was an amazing person. Even as I sobbed that I didn’t want to be me any more, it was too hard. He held me closer as he whispered in my ear about how much I’ve changed & strengthened him and how much love I’ve given him – how he’s never had anyone else treat him like an equal before and how much that means to him. How much I mean to him. And the more he talked the more I cried.

Until he said something like “I told you that I’d make you cry tonight” and I started laughing. Needless to say that sitting up on top of him so I could try to get my snot and tears under control turned into him telling me to not do that because it was hot and he might not be able to control himself. Which then prompted me to move my hips as I felt him get harder under me. There’s something quite powerful about it. Knowing I was covered in snot and tears and yet he still found me arousing. How could I stop now? I continued to grind, wiggle and move against him before he had me on my back and was licking and sucking on my nipples as I asked him to stop. He looked at me confused to which I replied that I just wanted to feel him inside me. Bless him, he obliged.

And honestly? It was blissful. It was sweet, it was soft and it was hot. Especially the bit where I could actually feel him getting bigger towards the end. It’s intoxicating. And when he gets that big I can feel him come deep inside me and it makes me spontaneously orgasm with him. Chain reactions. I didn’t want to disengage from him in that moment. I could have stayed connected for a lifetime. And I felt centred again. I felt connected to him again and all the anxiety, the doubts, the fears receded. I felt all that he had said and more in those moments. I relaxed and I can’t even remember how or when I fell asleep. Only that I knew that sleep was restful being wrapped in him.

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He holds onto me so tightly.

So when we got word the day after that it was all postponed again, along with the anxiety and anguish that we have to go through all this again in 3 months came the calm knowledge that maybe next time won’t be as hard and that I’m honestly blessed with Cern. I’m still keeping him.

23

Bloggy visitors and the beginning of something different…

I know this update has been long overdue. Y’all can spank me later.

I’ve been really slack, however my 2 week holiday I was taking off to show Johnny around my hometown turned into a whirlwind coming together of me and Cern in the merriest of ways and I felt horrible but it also meant that I spent more time with Cern that at home or anywhere else.

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However it was nearly a week after Johnny landed that I reached my limit of not seeing Cern and decided I needed my hands on him, my face in his chest and to be able to breathe him in. Plus, I was horny. That always helps.

We’d been texting each other a bit in that time anyway, so when he said Tuesday I said yes. There was no other answer to that question. He wanted to cook us his amazing spaghetti bolognaise. He seemed to think I was going to fall to his feet and offer him my eternal gratitude and declare him my food god. And to be fair, he makes a decent spag bol. It was tasty. I still think mine’s better – but as I said to him last night, my spag bol is never the same. I am always adding all kinds of things to it to see what works – especially spicy things.

So while Cern was cooking, him and Johnny were chatting about various things and I was salivating because I was starving and admiring how Cern looked rape-able standing in our suspension frame in the living room. That man has a way of derailing even the best thoughts I have. This night, however, was a night that marked us spending rather a long time in each other’s company.

The next night we both had dates in the City, so we helped each other get ready. It was so comfortable, sure it felt a bit weird when I thought about how we were getting each other ready for a date with someone else, but at the same time, it felt like it was something we’d been doing forever and it was ok. I’m not sure how to describe this feeling. When we kissed each other goodbye on the way out of the door and said “Hope you have a good night” – We meant it. I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his date. On his way back to me from his date however I got a message saying that he felt like shit and I started to fret. He didn’t feel 100% going on the date and I thought he should postpone but he was adamant that he go. I wasn’t going to stop him, he’s a big boy and can make those decisions. I wanted him to call me if he felt that he couldn’t drive to me and I’d get a cab to him to drive him home.

He got sicker the next day so I nursed him for a few nights in my bed. We then moved from my house to his house and I stayed with him for 4 days. I met his kids – who are totally adorable. My niece still wins in the ultimate cute stakes though, but I’ll say his come a close second. Christmas was a bit of a write off, he was still pretty sick so we spent the night doing what two geeks together do best, we set up his living room so that we had a gaming centre and played Diablo 3’s expansion together. We spent our nights curled up sleeping, or if he was feeling up for it we’d fuck. I wanted to make sure he didn’t kill himself in the process, sexing isn’t as important as him getting better but being that I am me, there’s no way I was going to say no to him ripping my knickers off and taking advantage of me.

He returned me home the night before new years eve.

Considering that I’d put out a blanket invite to all my friends to come over with their own food and their own drinks and join us in seeing in the new year I had no idea who was going to show and who wasn’t and thankfully we had a small gathering of my urban family. I couldn’t have asked for better company.

Except I didn’t have Cern.

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He dropped by on Tuesday so we spent some time together before NYE – he said that he had decided to spend the night with his other girl that he was dating. Apparently she was going to be on her own otherwise and he wasn’t up for a big night.

I thought I would be ok with this, I mean I just spent nearly over a week with the guy and we were only meant to be FWB right? Right. A break would be good for us.

But no matter how I rationalised it, my heart wasn’t having a bar of it.

Logically, it made sense. Totally.

Emotionally? Well. Emotionally it felt like I wasn’t important enough to see in the new year with. And no matter how I knew we’d just overdosed on each other for a week, that for this one night, I’d have preferred to spend it with him and would have forgone everyone else.

When he sent me a message saying that he felt wrong, my first thought was he was sick again and I needed to go get him. When he explained that he felt wrong driving away from my house, the penny dropped. He said some things clarified for him during that drive, he wanted to talk to me about it in the new year. My heart dropped, it sounded ominous, until he assured me that it definitely wasn’t. But him feeling wrong about not being with me didn’t change my current situation. That I wasn’t with him and that’s where I would have rather have been. Being that I’m not one to tell someone how to live their lives I told him he made his choice where he was spending the night and that I was disappointed but I wasn’t going to make him feel guilty for not being with me. It’s not the way I roll. I hold my hurt and roll with it. Such is life right? Tomorrow would be a new day.

Epiphany nights? Oh yes, welcome NYE for me. I learnt something that night and as I said to him in the text message, I didn’t want to talk about it because it was making me sad. And NYE shouldn’t be sad, it should be fun. I wanted to enjoy my friends company. Little did I know that he had taken up a whole chunk of real estate in my brain and I couldn’t dislodge him, no matter what I talked about, or what we watched or what I drank.

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I learnt that somehow, even though I hadn’t wanted to, my heart-strings had sneakily attached themselves to this man I’d met. Not only had he snuck under my defences sexually. He’d done it emotionally too. But what do I do with this new information?

I spent a lot of time on NYE pretending to watch movies and thinking. I thought about how my last boyfriend had been with me, but he hadn’t been with me. He was there physically, but mentally, emotionally… he was vacant. I may as well have slept with a friend when it came to him. He was sexually uninterested. He was emotionally unavailable. I took stock of my current situation and I saw parallels that scared me.

As a FWB, the fact that Cern spent a lot of time talking to all his other women while we were together didn’t bother me, nor should it have. I had no emotional connection to him. Nor he to me. But with the added fact that I wasn’t spending NYE with him came the realisation that he didn’t have time for me. But that I also wanted him to have time for me. I couldn’t ask this of him. How could I? We were FWB. That would be changing things. He stated time and time again that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. And I thought I wasn’t either, yet this man pulled at me and made me want something I wasn’t ready to want. So what could I do? Where did this leave me? Us?

I didn’t sleep after midnight on NYE. In fact I was awake until 6am. I watched the sun rise. I laid in bed, tossing. Turning. Crying. Sighing. Kicking myself mentally but deciding that I can’t keep doing this. These are the patterns that I’m trying to break. I made a decision in those wee hours, with a hangover that would have killed anyone else and a headache from crying that would have toppled a better person. My decision? I would walk away from Cern.

I finally fell asleep about 7 am. But I was up again about 10.30 am as we were going with my urban family for a drive to a beach down south that was meant to have water clearer than any tropical island.

Having made a decision I actually enjoyed the time with my urban family at the beach, even if it was with a heavy heart, I knew I’d made the right decision. It’s easier walking away from something at the beginning than it is part way through it when you’re more emotionally involved. The water was indeed pristine. We got scared out of the water by sharks 4 times. But we used the boys as shark bait and made them swim at least 5 meters in front of us. Thanks Johnny!

On our drive back I got a text message from Cern.

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He needed to see me. I asked him when, he said that night. I got a bit confused, aren’t you staying with your other friend tonight too? I thought you were? He said no, he was leaving there to see me. He needed to see me. The urgency of his text messages caught me. Ok I said. We’re driving home now. It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive back to Sydney from Jervis Bay. We’ll be home about 7 – 7.30 depending on traffic.

I got a message from him saying he was at my place at 7 pm. I said we’re still on the road and that we’ll be there soon. We got home about 7.30 pm that night. As Johnny and I rounded the corner of my apartment I saw him sitting on the floor outside the door of my apartment with his laptop propped in his lap. The image made me smile genuinely for the first time in the last 24 hours.

He looked frazzled. Sitting there like that. And the knowledge that my insides were happy at seeing him didn’t pass me without me noticing. But I was more curious about what he wanted to talk to me about and why the urgency in needing to see me when he had established plans with someone else.

So I helped him inside the apartment…

Watch this space for part 2.

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Also don’t forget that I’m doing Kinky Q & A again now guys! I’ll missing this week but will post up questions next week. So feel free to email me : spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page up the top!

7

Quick update & happy new year!

Gosh it feels like an age since I’ve written anything.

Amongst getting kidnapped to Cern’s place for about 4 days last week and having a quiet christmas and now an open house NYE party at home today I’ve not had time to update in here!

I have a lot of stuff to say, I swear! I just haven’t had time and I hope that you are all having a wonderful holiday break and spending it with people you love and that bring a smile to your face. I know I have been!

Don’t forget that I’m still taking questions for Kinky Q & A and you can send your questions to spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page.

Have a wonderful, safe, perverted and debaucherous new years eve y’all – you know I will be!

See you in the new year!

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

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Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

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The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

31

Aren’t we all alone, really? Mixed emotions.

I saw Cern last night, granted briefly, we coupled rushed and rough. I made him a very late dinner, which tasted amazing and we talked. He explained that he went there with the other lass over the weekend. The one that expressed a bit of jealousy of me. So today has seen me feeling a bit off kilter.

I’m unstable. My boundaries feel like they’ve blurred. So I messaged Cern this morning for clarification. Of my place in his life, which is so full already and now this. Should I take a step back and let them do their thing? What is my place? Does he have time for me in all this? He wanted to think about it, so I’m giving him space to do just that.

In the meantime this song came up in my music mix list and I thought I should blog about this. This feeling of dread that’s settled in the pit of my stomach.

We are all alone at the end of the day aren’t we? It’s about who we decide to share all the other bits of ourselves with.

So then I guess it becomes about knowing where I stand with Cern. I want to share bits of myself with him and every time I see him I feel like I have an emotional drop the next day. I don’t know what it is, but he leaves me emotionally frayed. The little things get to me. I get introspective and I start to question a lot of things.

So I’m hoping that with some clarification from him I can decide where I stand. If I’m just a fuck and nothing more than I can regulate my emotions for him and leave it as just a fuck once a week and get on with my life.

But without knowledge of where I stand I feel like I’m flailing around without much of an anchor.

Ps. Cuntmonkeyface still hasn’t replied to me. It’s now a week and a half. I’ve gone from being angry to contemplating going to Vegas and marrying him… I don’t know what to do now. Part of me thinks that she’s being a bitch and for that I’m not walking away from him for that. He’s a part of my life and I love him. Either way, I’ll see him next year. Whether she likes it or not.

28

Oh anger, my good friend! The other woman issues.

You know, a good friend said to me yesterday that I should be patient. That I should wait.

That it’s some kind of stupid long weekend in America and that she hasn’t had time.

SHE’S HAD AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK!

A WHOLE WEEK!

Yes, yes, we’re talking about Scotty’s other woman. His fiance. His… well at this rate, anger making cuntmonkeyface.

Today, today I’m full of good things. I’m centered, I’m feeling the love for my people, it’s strong, it’s steady and it’s a constant stream along those lines that connect my heart to theirs. Can you feel it? I hope you can, I lovers you all.

I was told I should be patient and take the high road. I retorted with I will take the high road. Right after I step on that bitches face to step up to it.

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And that is where I stand right now.

I’m furious.

I’m so angry I could swim over there just to kick her arse around like a little basketball and then swim home again.

But I hold my tongue. I messaged Scotty last week to ask if she’d gotten the message. He says that they are currently with family up north and that he’s sure she will reply when she has a spare minute. This morning I realise from pictures they are back in Vegas. Where has polite manners gone these days? A quick note back from her to say “Thanks for your message, currently engaged with family for holidays and will get back to you when I have a spare moment” would have been sufficient. But what do I get? Nothing.

A BIG FAT NOTHING.

Well fuck you too.

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End rant here.

Sighs miserably. Why can’t she love me?