32

Scotty : The low down

I spent this morning connecting with all my men that were overseas. My best friend always and sometimes lover, J and Scotty. So based on that I thought I should go into details about things I may have omitted before.

I’ve also finished chapter 1 of my American travels – but I wanted to go over my friendship/relationship/whatever-ship with Scotty. You can get access to all the travel stories through the new menu option up the top that I’ve made for all my debauchery.

What I didn’t go into with my posts about my sexual exploits across America was my relationship with Scotty. I touched on it, but since 2011 we have been in contact. He asked me to marry him continuously for just over a year after I came back.

I never took him seriously, I thought he was caught up in some holiday romance and that he’d find someone close to home that would love him as much as he needs and deserves to be loved. Last year after my breakup I was seriously considering his offer. I was going to go to Vegas and marry him, to hell with the consequences. I knew we got along, I knew we had amazing sex and I thought for once in my life I was going to do something that was so out of character for me that would make my life turn on its head for once. I was going to marry him. Right after I went and did Mardi Gras I was going to spend time with him in we’d finally go get hitched and then I’d have to sort out the rest of my life and how we were going to make it work. Except I met Loki and it didn’t work that way.

We often joked while I was there that we’d get married and I wanted it to be a classy affair. In a bright pink Cadillac. Through the drive through registry. I said that I’d give him a congratulatory blow job before we’d even pulled out of the registry drive through window with the hood down. I’m such a classy bitch sometimes. We joked and laughed so hard I had tears. He joked that he would introduce me to his friends as his future ex-wife, until I said that if I do get married it’s a forever deal. There is no future ex-wife. I’m only doing this marriage thing once if I have to and by golly he was fucking stuck with me if we did. He stopped saying that after that discussion and just started referring to me as wife.

Obviously our lives were led differently. I never felt like we were in a relationship where you talk every day, you check in, you chat about nonsensical things. If I saw him post on Facebook about something that interested us both, we’d have a chat about it on messenger. If he sounded like he was having a rough day, I’d message him to see if there was anything I could do to help. Today he had a rough day to do with his family. I sent him virtual hug pictures. We thought of each other, we are connected, yet through the last 3 years I guess the reason I didn’t take his marriage offers seriously was because I never felt that he actually wanted me. There was no pursuing, no barrage of contact, no communication. Yet when we did communicate, once a month or so, it was like we’d never stopped talking. Today was no different. So a little part of me that I left with him aches because I feel that I might have missed something there. I didn’t pursue it hard enough, did I miss something?

True-Love-Quotes-True-love-doesnt-mean-being-inseparable-it-means-being-separated-and-nothing-changes

But I guess for me, what was different was that being the way I am and having my own pitfalls and baggage, I thought he just wasn’t interested in me enough for me to pack my bags and fly to another country. For if I felt that he felt that strongly I think I would have done it years ago. Isn’t it funny how words, with distance, need that constant reassurance that you are desired and wanted. For me, there was none of that. I heard the words “marry me” but I didn’t see or feel the follow through with it. Would I have acted differently if he had pursued me a bit harder? Yeah, I think I would have.

He is now engaged to a lovely lady and they are deeply in love and obviously well suited for each other. He dreams of a poly household where we all live together. As it is, I’m adamant I’m going to Burning Man next year. He said he is organising a trailer that sleeps nine so I am to camp with them. I’m hoping that the tickets come through and if they do then camping together is going to be interesting.

He wants me to move to Vegas because I mentioned that I’m a bit starved of affection here. There is just no one that holds my interest, no one that I want to spend time with and no one to give me cuddles. I feel so isolated. He said if I lived there with them that I would have all the love in the world. And I believe him.

So then the question becomes where do we go from here? For me it’s still one step at a time, I need to finish my degree before I can even look at moving overseas since I can’t really get a visa without a job and I can’t get a job that will sponsor me without my Science degree.

Does this change the things as they are? No, not really. I’m still not dating anyone. I’m not going to. I think I just want to focus on me, getting myself fitter, better mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place once I feel better in myself. I know this.

What do I do with Scotty? What we’ve always done. He’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always think of him and have that piece ache. Will he ever have his happy poly family? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I think I need to do more soul-searching before I can answer that question.

But for now I’ll give him my love, because I give that freely anyway to those I feel deserve my time and energy. And remember to give myself some loving too.

39

LDR: Dirty talking assistance. Part 1.

Forgive me WP gods, it’s been 9 days since my last confession.

Confessional-Booth-Scully

There’s a reason for this, I’ve been a bit hormonal introspective in regards to relationships, our efforts and where you draw the line in regards to giving.

In retrospect, I now know why I said long distance relationships are doomed to fail. Because you know how hard it is keeping a relationship going in the flesh? It’s millions times more harder when you add in distance.

It’s ok, Loki and I are still going strong. I think we’ve hit our first hurdle though. The whole keeping the sexual joy alive long distance.

I’m finding it really hard because he’s pretty easy to please. I need more than a quick video or photo. And I think he’s struggling with having to be vocal with his desires in order to help me achieve some level of “turning on” that’s going to facilitate his fun times. He’s never really done anything like dirty talking and finds the process intimidating as he’s scared of saying something that’s going to make me laugh at him – I think giggling during sex is a good thing obviously in this case it might not be… I’ve never really done this whole other country sexy times thing. It’s all so much easier in person when you can actually say, hey babes I’m feeling sooooooo toey and really want to have my lips around your cock as you slide off your clothes and crawl across the floor to unzip his pants… it’s ever so much harder when you have nothing but voice.

So the more he pushes me to send him pictures and video chat with him in a sexual way the more I dig in my heels and feel like I’m an unpaid hooker. Because that’s how I imagine sex workers feel when they are working. Having to “fake” it through their encounters, at least they are getting paid. I can’t even fake this shit so I don’t say anything and I don’t know what’s worse. I don’t mean to hurt his feelings but at the same time the last time he actually helped me get off was when I was in the states in March. Yet I feel like I’m putting in more effort than he is because I’ve done things that I’m not comfortable with or enjoying so that he can get off and now I just don’t want to anymore.

Am I being selfish?

I feel I am yet at the same time I feel justified in my selfishness. So with this in mind, I’ve been really hard pressed to write anything on here for fear of an emotional rant that came across as even more hurtful to him. Hurting him is not the aim here. Getting common ground so that we’re both getting our needs met is.

Since he reads this I’ve been hesitant to write… Hai Loki.

So dirty talk. Tips, tricks, what is your go to? Any websites that have helped?

I find the dirty talking thing a turn on because of the implied shaming that could be involved I think but I haven’t ever been with anyone that’s been that vocal during coitus. So I have no pointers to give. I can be vocal but that was mainly when I’m directing other people. So I have nothing to draw on here. And from what I gather he doesn’t either. I think he’s feeling frustrated and I’m feeling frustrated and we both get frustrated at each other because neither of us know where to go on this one.

I’ve tried doing searches for dirty talking tips and tricks and have come up with a wall of information that hasn’t really helped in any way. Google is great for searching, but trying to find a beginner’s guide is pretty hard.

Who knows, maybe after all this I might be able to write my own beginners guide to dirty talking…

But for now, I need help.

SOS_Beach

19

Serendipity + Loki = baggage check!

I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.

Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.

[ source]

Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.

Serendipity…

Luis_Royo_029

I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…

I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me,  then I have to slap myself out of it.

But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.

Serendipity.

Tag Loki, you’re it.

Continue Reading