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The Duke of Burgundy – A peek into a kinky lesbian relationship

As you may or may not be aware, it’s the Sydney Film Festival at the moment and they have some whopper of screenings available to view. This was but one of many that perked my interest and it was a moofie date with one of my most favouritest women.

So off we bounded into the cold and got seated in the State Theatre for our viewing. Now, me being me, I refused to look up anything to do with the film before I saw it so that I didn’t have any assumptions or expectations of it that would leave me feeling like I was let down by the end because it wasn’t what I was expecting. All I know from my friend was that it was about a kinky lesbian relationship.

We snuggled into the soft old style seats of the theatre that were cushioned (my arse thanks you State!!!) and giggled as the movie started up and we whispered.

Not too long into it we both shut up to watch what was going on.

The film itself was a somewhat arty thing. I mean it did start with the “sub”, Evelyn, kneeling beside a river or brook that tinkled loudly on the screen and made me want to rush to the bathroom to wee.

In some ways I think I was captivated by the movie and in other ways it made me question and confirm certain things I know about the lifestyle from my experience.

The Duke of Burgundy is basically about 2 entomologists who are in a lesbian relationship. However one of them is a bit kinky and basically writes on speech cards for her partner about “scenes” she would like played out and when. It kind of reminded me of Pro-Domming in a way, you get told how to behave, what the scene will entail and how long certain things will go for.

And that’s exactly what this woman was doing to her partner. It’s not ever discussed in the film about if the partner is a willing participant, but soon into the film you come across a scene in the bed when they both awake and the non-kinky Cynthia is stroking Evelyn’s face and explaining all the things she loves about her when Evelyn stops her and asks her to tell her of other things instead as her hand reaches down the sheets to start masturbating. Cynthia helps her out with her own hand and starts to tell her things that make her face go neutral as she stares out into space and when she runs out of things to say before Evelyn has come, Evelyn impatiently tells her to start at the beginning. And so Cynthia,  with a roll of her eyes,  says exactly the same things in monotone.

I believe this is the point where you realise that Cynthia isn’t that into all this kinky stuff. But she does it to please Evelyn.

As the movie progresses you realise that Cynthia is also afraid of losing Evelyn because she’s older and with back problems feels that she can’t give Evelyn what she wants.

The plot keeps going, with various “punishments” meted out for transgressions that a maid may have made. However what you realise is that the scenes are repeated is that there’s nothing new. And from what I got from Cynthia was that she was starting to feel the strain that her “acting” was putting on their relationship. There’s only so much one can do something to please their partner before it starts becoming a chore and you start to resent the other person for putting you in a position where you feel that you have to do something in order to keep them in your life.

From what I can see there isn’t much negotiation of these scenes. Evelyn writes on a piece of paper that she will scrub boots outside for a certain period of time at which point Cynthia will come out and find her slacking off and punish her for it. Evelyn washes Cynthia’s underwear with her hands and forgets a piece of underwear. Cynthia “checks” her work and finds said underwear and repeats the same lines from the beginning of the movie. Throughout you see Cynthia drinking lots and lots of water. You see, one of her punishments was to be a human toilet for not washing the underwear. So as she drank more and more, we giggled. Towards the end I started wincing.

However Evelyn polished another lecturers boots and caused a rift. And as their relationship got more strained and the kinky stuff stopped as they rediscovered what they wanted from each other and loved about each other before it was all about the kinky things and you saw their love blossom. Yet at the end of the movie you see Cynthia don her “mistress” attire and say the same lines you saw her repeat at the beginning of the movie.

I think we all have a part to play in kinky relationships. It’s easy to get caught up in the “me, do me” syndrome and not take into consideration what your partner wants or needs from your interactions as well. I guess that’s why negotiation is a high priority. Talking about what you both need and how to go about getting that without pushing the other person into a place where they are a service top or a rent a dom to your needs or desires. BDSM is a two way street and it works perfectly when you are both aligned in what you desire and need from each other in that space.

I’ve said it before and it’s still true. BDSM doth not a relationship make. If you’re in an intimate relationship with someone it’s icing on the cake. It’s not the be all and end all of your relationship. At least it shouldn’t be, not in an intimate romantic relationship. Sure there are relationships where it’s pure S&M or D/S – however those don’t tend to include building a life together outside of the play space. So that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I remember one scene that had me cheering – Cynthia, for Evelyn’s birthday, wanted to order her a bed with a lockable compartment underneath so she could lock her in there. However when the bed maker couldn’t deliver the bed within the time it would take for her birthday Evelyn pouted and wanted to know if they could give her more money to make it arrive quicker. The answer was no, they couldn’t. So Cynthia blindfolds Evelyn on the night of her birthday and takes her into the kitchen where there is an empty cake stand and all the ingredients laid out. She takes off her blindfold and Evelyn falters. She looks confused and asks where her cake is. Cynthia replies, “It’s right in front of you” as she pushes the recipe onto the cake stand in front of Evelyn and continues on, “you will be making the cake.” Evelyn looks shocked and then confused. “But I never made a cake before” she stutters. This is after the betrayal from Evelyn of polishing someone else’s boots and getting punished. Cynthia, dressed in tights and a frilly top shrugs and leaves her to it in the kitchen as she says she is going to go change into something more comfortable. We then pan to Cynthia sitting in a high-backed chair in her pyjama’s – the significance of this is the last time Cynthia wore pyjama’s Evelyn turned down her advances saying that she looked horrible and wasn’t dressed in anything that inspired her to be sexual – Evelyn starts when she realises what Cynthia is wearing. She hands her the cake and is told to lay down on the floor. Cynthia then puts her sock covered foot on Evelyn’s chest. When Evelyn protests Cynthia puts her socked foot over her mouth as you see a tear fall out of Evelyn’s eye as she said her safeword which is ignored. I cheered for the woman who stepped up and took back the power in the relationship. I cheered for the woman who finally got to understand what submission means.

I cheered because… well…

… sometimes D/s isn’t fun. It’s not about what you want. It’s about what they want. It’s about giving up a part of yourself to serve someone else. Sure you can act these bits out now and then in the bedroom or over a weekend, but ultimately, I’ve done 24/7 before and I lost myself. That path leads to darkness and uncertainty. My brand of D/s now flourishes when I’m left to my own devices, when I have some set boundaries in place regards to play, relationships, my access to my body for certain things, etc. I hate being micro managed. I hate and baulk at someone telling me what to do. Sometimes when Cern says something that gets my back up I have to remind myself to back down and acquiesce. And sometimes I don’t. But with a power exchange comes some understanding of what you’ve agreed to and signed up for. And that’s that sometimes I don’t get to do what I want when I want and that sometimes what he says goes. Even if it sets my teeth on edge to comply.

The challenge and triumph of a successful relationship, especially in a kinky sense, is one where you both communicate what you desire and negotiate how to achieve your goals – much like a normal relationship. However I’ve found that this works better on a foundation of love, trust and mutual respect first. Kinky stuff is fun, its great fun, I totally love it… but it’s not all of who I am.

I am more than my love of pain. Of leather. Of rope. I’m multifaceted and BDSM is just one side of me.

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Kinky Q & A – #3

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I know it’s been a while since I did this, but I got caught up with life and Cern and well, lots of Cern. And let’s be honest, the guy is pretty amazing to be caught up in. He makes me purr so good! Meow

Er, getting back on point though. Kinky Q & A time guys!!

Here’s some questions I got, don’t forget that if you have any questions feel free to email them to me at spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through the contact me page.

So without further ado:

Question 1: What is a fetish?

A fetish? Umm, well. Technically? It’s something that gets you off. Or if we were to look at the dictionary term

noun
1.

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion:

to make a fetish of high grades.
3.

Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

Obviously we’re all talking about the third one in the above list…

For example, let’s have a look at some of my fetishes. For starters I have a fetish for rope. Wrap me up tight in some and my thighs get wet instantly, no need to touch anything else. Hurt me a bit with the rope while tying and I really start losing control. Why rope? Well, I have a soft spot for natural fibres. The rope I prefer to use on people and have used on me is jute. It has a distinct smell to it that makes me moan softly and want to wrap myself in it naked and roll around.

Another fetish I have is rubber. Latex. The smell of rubber makes me want to peal my skin off and reskin myself in it and masturbate furiously all at once. I once sat on a couch with another friend who has a latex fetish and we had a pair of latex pants with us. She grabbed one leg, I had a hold of the other leg while we held the waist closed and we put the leg pieces over our nose and mouths to breath in the smell while we moaned and writhed on the couch. Put me in a latex vac bed and I’m pretty much dying and going to heaven, especially with other’s touching me on the outside of the bed. I would LOVE to try a hitachi while in a vac bed. Actually, I think I’d want to try everything in a vac bed that was possible. I’m claustrophobic yet the vac bed pushes my fears and makes me so hot and bothered at the same time that I don’t have the words to express what it does to me.

When I’m walking past motorbike mechanic shops I stop just a wee bit outside the door and take a few deep breaths. And no, it’s not just because I’m weird. But it’s the combined smell of leather, rubber and motor oil that takes me to my happy place. Yes, I have a fetish for leather too…

I have a rubber band ball at work I sniff when I get stressed and it sends me to my happy place. Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.

A fetish is what makes you horny. It’s what makes you want to tear the world apart to have this thing and come furiously at the same time.

Actually I think Cern is a new fetish…

So, what’s your fetish?

 

Question 2: Safewords, yes or no?

I don’t tend to play with safewords. Only because when I do play I play hard and I play fast and I play with people who I’ve played with for for many many many years who know my body, they know my reactions and they know my limits.

Playing with someone new a safeword is something that you should use. And don’t just have one safeword. Use a few, sometimes you don’t want the scene to stop,  you just want them to give you a break, so use a word that means slow down a bit. Have another word to mean I don’t like what you’re doing, please do something else and then have one to make sure the scene ends.

When I’m tying people up I don’t use safewords either. But then before I tie people up we have a conversation. Usually during this conversation I ask about any injuries they’ve sustained that I should know about, if they’ve drunk a lot of water or gone on a bender lately. How well did they sleep? Is anything bothering them? How masochistic are they feeling? What are their expectations from the rope I’m about to do? Is there something they’d like me to try with them? Is there something that they want to push? Or are they happy to let me take them where I want?

If it’s someone who has never been in my ropes before I go through basic rope safety with them. What kind of things they will feel in their arms and fingers. What kind of tingles and feelings are bad, I tell them that I expect them to use their words. I will prompt and ask how they are coping every so often, but if something doesn’t feel right, I want them to tell me. Articulate and you will be guaranteed that I’ll be asking to tie you again as I learn your body more and more through our communications in my ropes.

So basically? It comes down to you. To be on the safe side, use your safewords. Make sure they are part of your negotiations and make sure that the other party understands what they are and what they stand for. If you need a spotter during your first few plays, then ask for one. I’ve spotted for a few friends when they played with someone they didn’t know before at play parties to ensure that what they wanted didn’t happen. I’ve stepped in and said no to d types before because they wanted to take off someone’s underwear even after she said no during negotiation. There are people around who are happy to make sure you’re safe. Use them and don’t be afraid to ask for them to do it. Whether they are your friends or the Dungeon Monitors.

Your own safety is paramount and playing is secondary in this case. There will always be someone who wants to spank you, tie you up, hurt you or whatever else you’re into.

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Kinky Q & A – #2

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It’s that time of week again, y’all!!!

First question being from Stereowhite:

What is the proper way to spank a woman and how would you tell other men to do it?

Hmmm I did do a post recently about The art of Spanking.

The good recipe for a good spanking? Is be firm. Don’t be timid in your spanks, don’t be timid in your man handling of said woman. Either of these things will make her feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. Go for the sweet spots, there a few diagrams in my post that will help you.

Above all else though, get ready for your hand to hurt too. You will also experience a sort of “rush” like subspace from the activities. Which also means that you will need some aftercare too, or at least check in with said bottom a day or two after because they will crash. As will you so the contact will help both of you re-connect and touch base.

And enjoy it! It’s meant to be fun!

Some questions from the lovely Jblondie:

Could you explain the differences between Titles. Example: Submissive, Brat, Babygirl, Dom, Daddy, Kinkster, Vanilla, bottom, top…etc

Hmmm titles are a funny thing, I think of them like sexualities, they can be totally fluid. I guess for me there are titles that you keep forever, like ultimately I’m submissive. Even if that changes on occasion to where I become a sadistic top tying up my helpless victims er rope bottoms, my default setting is that. Just bear in mind that once you own a title doesn’t mean that you can’t own the rest either. If you were to ask Cern he’d tell you I’m all kinds of a brat. But that’s only because I hate giving up control in a lot of areas so I challenge him on it and when he can make me heel, then he’s won.

Right to begin with then!

Submissive: Is someone who willingly submits to a dominant. How much you submit is something you discuss and set boundaries for with your partner. Whether it’s a service submissive, a sexual submissive, or a 24/7 kind of arrangement doesn’t make you any less or more of a submissive. You’re still willing to serve and that’s all that matters.

Brat: Hmm, there’s a few that will say being a brat defies the purpose of being a submissive. Some submissives just like the challenge, the like the feeling of being put in their place. I think there’s an element of playfulness to being a brat as well. You know the consequences and know that there will be payment for it later, but sometimes, just sometimes, it’s worth pushing them that little bit too far. It’s a more playful dynamic than say just pure dominance and submission.

Babygirl: this is one of my favourite areas to play in. Daddy keeps me safe, he keeps me protected, he looks out for me, he hurts me, he cuddles me better. I’m his little babygirl always and forever. I think the babygirl/babyboy dynamic is rather interesting. It changes for many people. Other’s see it as a way to express their inner child. For me it’s not about my inner child but rather the comfort of knowing I’m looked after, that I can crawl into his lap and be cuddled and kissed and made to feel like nothing else can get me in the world because Daddy is there. For other’s though this is more an area where they can let their little ones free. Whether that’s colouring in, playing with lego’s, etc etc. So again, this title totally depends on where you want your dynamic to go.

Dom: Hmm I think dominant is pretty self-explanatory It’s someone who identifies with being in control. Of having someone they can share their dominance with. Whether that’s every day things like telling you what to wear, or just in the bedroom things where you are to kneel beside the bed until he says he’s ready to have you beside him or you ask permission to enter the bed. Dominants exert their control in a variance of ways, again, this comes down to negotiation and what you both agree to before playing together. So whether it’s just in the bedroom that they take control of what happens to you and how, or if it’s just during a play scene, or if its everyday life or orgasm control. For example, Cern’s gone and told me that no one but him can play with my cunt. They all have their own little ways of wanting to control something in your life and it’s up to you what part you’re happy to let them control.

Daddy: See Dom. They have the same kind of desire. Except they also have the desire to make sure their babygirl is looked after is ok. They will pay for things, or they will ensure your safety and well-being above all else. They will indulge your little side with affection and want to bring her or him out to play more often. They’ll feed you ice cream and wipe up your tears after making you cry from a painful pain play session. They’ll make sure you have food in the fridge and you’re happy. This doesn’t mean dom’s don’t do this either. Again, the whole dynamic is about how you and your partner want to approach it. What you’re comfortable in being called to each other.

Kinkster: Hah, I have this listed on my fetlife profile because I’m tired of being hit on and having to explain how as a submissive I could also be a top and tie people up. This title to me just means that you’re kinky. What kink that might be is irrelevant and that you don’t want to own a title about it. You do what you do and that’s fine with you!

Vanilla: Someone who isn’t kinky. At all.

Top: Is someone who will top you within a scene only. They will hurt you, tie you up, or control you during the agreed upon play time and then after that they will fall back into being your friend or lover. There is no dynamic that goes above or beyond a play scene in this case.

Bottom: Is someone who willingly submits to a top during said play scene. For example when I was doing my shows at Hellfire over the 10 years I performed there, I bottomed to my friends that own the club. I agreed to let them hurt me for a set period of time and do whatever they wanted, outside of that they went back to being my friends.

Q. How did you get started in this lifestyle? What turned you on to it?

Hmmm this is a bit of a long story…

Back in 1999 I met someone online who turned into a good friend of mine. She said she thought I showed submissive tendencies and together we delved into the BDSM rooms on yahoo chat channels back then. I read up about all these things online from various sites and took in all I could about the lifestyle. I read the Gor books, the Anne Rice Beauty Series, I read anything I could get my hands on to devour what this lifestyle meant. I had my rose-tinted glasses on.

I wanted to be the perfect little submissive at age 21. Little did I know when I finally built up the courage to enter the Sydney scene at age 23 and met my best friend and some of my longest friends and got on stage at Hellfire to feel my first ever whipping that it wasn’t actually just submission that I was after. Yup, you read right, I felt my first ever whip, crop, spank, had about 50 pegs whipped off both breasts on stage at Hellfire. And I don’t regret a minute of it. The people who I let hurt me on stage have become my family. Master Tom, Ultra, the submissives from back then… we’re all very tight-knit. And all the new people till today. There’s something to be said about our Hellfire family unit. I couldn’t imagine a life without them in it.

Q. When is it a good time to tell a new partner that you’re wanting to explore BDSM?

Whenever you think you’re ready to want to explore it with them. Either from the get go, or a few months into it when you feel that you can trust them enough to explore it with you.

For me, a lot of the things I do require a level of trust that isn’t readily available to someone you haven’t known for a while. For example there are a lot of things that I now let Cern do to me that I wouldn’t have allowed at the beginning of our .. hmm.. friendship? Relationship?

Q. Are there any ways to explore certain sides of your sexuality (i.e. masochistic, submissive, sadistic etc) without a partner?

Oh hell yes there are. As a masochist I love nothing better than tying myself up so tightly and masturbating that it’s become a happy pastime. You can also add pegs to your wanking sessions. Or rope. Or wax. Or whatever else is going to heighten the experience for you. Obviously you don’t want to do anything that’s going to get you into a dangerous situation. But light things that add a bit of spice to wanking? I say go for it.

It’s a bit harder to do as a sadist since you need someone to actually be sadistic to… and the same goes for submissive, it’s just not quite the same when you’re serving yourself, yanno? Although maybe you could set yourself goals, like a certain number of orgasms with pegs on your nipples or labia or something? The sky is honestly the limit here with self exploration.

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And that’s it for this week guys. Don’t forget to email me at spankalicious.co@gmail.com if you have any questions for next week!

15

Hello little masochist. A little bit of pain on a Wednesday night…

Wednesday night was an interesting night for me.

In a myriad of ways.

We had a gathering, at the Sydney Rope Dojo space for a friend who is going back to America yet again.

Said friend and I had a date a while ago to get together and have a bit of a pain session. However after meeting Cern and the fact that I haven’t been able to stop bleeding has meant that I’ve had to put it off with him, which was a bit disappointing for us both.

On the bright side though he did approach me at said party and said that he wanted to use the dragon tail on my breasts.

What’s a dragon tail? Hmm. This is what it is… It’s pretty much a strip of cut & rolled leather. That bites so nicely when flicked just right.

And me being me, jumped at the chance and nodded my head enthusiastically at him. Yes, please!

So after a while I wondered to the back room and he saw me and wondered over with his leather toy of choice. I grinned and bent over, tipping my head back exposing my boobs. I grabbed a tit in each hand and held them up so that he had a platform to aim at.

The first few times he hit home. I swore. The next 10 hits landed in a variety of areas, from my nipples which caused a reaction of ouch!!! that stung so badly, especially after having my nipples chewed on all week, they were already tender so when I copped a flick to the nipple my eyes watered. I may have done a wee bit of my ouchy dance and taken a few more hits to my nipples before I ran away to take a breather. Those nipple hits were killing me.

I ran back sheepishly. This is why people tie me down. I run away when the pain gets too great and will come back to position eventually. Some find this endearing. Other’s just want to beat the hell out of me without having to chase me down. However he smirked as I walked back into the room and again assumed position. This time I pulled my breasts out of my shirt and bra and used my fingers to cover my nipples so that any hits landed on them instead of my nipples.

Before long he cracked a good one on my finger and I nearly cried. And then said maybe I’ll move over into the light a bit instead of staying in the darkest area of the room. His aim improved drastically once we moved into the light and I didn’t dance, run or jiggle at all but stayed put and enjoyed every single hit that landed. Some had me sucking in my breath quickly, others had me moaning as I exhaled. Oh pain, how I’d missed you.

Before long my breasts were starting to look a bit red and weepy and we stopped. It wasn’t the longest scene in the history of play that I’d ever done however it did open the door to my remembering how much I do love the sweet pain of it all.

I think what I love more is that with the pain comes an act of suffering that most don’t understand. The art of actually not being tied down, or chained up and still holding position. Mentally it’s so hard because every nerve cell in my body is screaming at me to run from the pain. Yet the mental challenge is staying. He told me to stay, so I stayed.

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I know I’ve written about the art of suffering before, or maybe I’ve touched upon it for how it relates back to my submission. But I think that’s another post in and of its own.

For now, the draw was for me was willingly staying put, even when this evil man was doing horrible things to my breasts and not running away. Plus after a while the burning pain started to radiate through my entire body and the sharp bites from the edge of the dragon’s tail didn’t make me flinch anymore… instead I moaned and wanted to lean into the hits. To offer more, expose more, give more…

However in a roomful of people I only offer so much. That type of exposure I tend to do in private, especially in a pain play situation. So I held off, I pulled back and after giving him a happy grin and nod, he held off too.

15 minutes of play. Red bleeding, weeping breasts of pain and delicious agony.

I have a scab on my cleavage from where the wounds are starting to heal. I can’t stop touching and running my hands over my welts and blood blisters. I haven’t had such pretty marks in a very very long time and I’m delighting in them.

Cern seemed to find this all very interesting and maybe even bizarre. I don’t think he’s fucked many masochists. For someone who says he isn’t into pain, he’s coming around to enjoying watching me suffer for him though. He says it’s because of how much I enjoy what he does to me, so for him it’s about pleasuring me and not about causing me pain. The causing me pain is a side effect of watching me enjoy said pain. Which is an interesting way of looking at it to be honest.

For me, my sadism is partly about making sure that my bottom is suffering for me but sometimes it’s not about them and it’s about me wanting to hurt them how I want to hurt them and them taking it, breathing through it, sweating through it, crying through it and still meeting my eyes after the pain recedes to show me that they are with me, they are ok, they want more…

Isn’t it funny how different people process things differently? My sadistic side to his… I find it endlessly fascinating.

And he’s found spots on my arse that hurt. Like really really fucking hurt. My sitting down now requires great concentration from me because my arse bones are right in the two spots that he squeezes like he’s squeezing lemons. No bruising but he pinches the muscle to the point that I’m squealing and nearly crying from the pain of it all. Little does he know that if he told me to stop moving I’d hold still so he didn’t have to fight me while I tried to run away. But I’m not giving him that nugget yet… although if he reads this I’m done for.

I also got offered to have a friend of mine hurt me when I wanted it, which is nice because I was starting to run low on sadists and he would be perfect. Especially since he gets that it’s not a sexual thing for me, but purely the pain power exchange. So I’ve been seriously considering his offer.

Plus I have a date with Daddy in a few weeks, although that one is causing me some trepidation. However I think I just need to talk to him about the few anxiety causing issues I have and we should be set to go. We haven’t played in well over 4 years, so this reunion is going to be a whopper. In some ways I can’t wait. I know he can’t, he keeps sending me texts saying how much he misses my tears that I cry for him and that he can’t wait to shove my face into a pillow while he hurts me so that I get smothered in my own tears. The man knows how to work me up, that’s for sure. So the whole meeting has me on edge. Nerves because it’s been so long since I’ve done anything like this and anxiety because he’s changing the boundaries that we’ve played in for the last 10 years.

You know that saying? When it rains it pours? I’m feeling a bit like that at the moment.

WARNING: Clicking the more link here will bring up some pictures of my ouchies from Wednesday night and earlier from Cern. If you don’t like seeing welted tits, don’t look.

Boobs of deliciousness under here, click it, you know you want to!

4

Kinky Q & A #1

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From my boobalicious Goaty:

  • What candles are best to use when playing with hot wax?

To start with, let’s go into a bit of what wax play entails.

Candles usually. A lot more people are using soy wax candles these days as it can be absorbed by the skin with a bit of rubbing, think of it as a warm wax moisturiser. It doesn’t have the sharp burn as normal candles do, so the feel and atmosphere they give are totally different.

Now there’s a lot of candles out there and I would suggest staying away from them all. From glittered, to scented to tea lights. Just don’t. They burn hot, they burn fast and they will give your waxee 3rd degree burns if you have no idea.

The safest candles on this front would be soy candles and paraffin wax candles. Pure paraffin wax melts at around 54 to 57 °C (129 to 135 °F) and soy melt temperature 45°C.  Remember with candles that it’s not a neat affair. You will get splashes, you’ll get dried bits of wax everywhere. So choose your spot carefully for this kind of play.

Bear in mind that nipples and areola are very sensitive and can burn easier than the rest of the skin area. Genitals work the same way. Always always always start dripping candles from a “safe” distance away to warm up the person to the sensation, the feel, the warmth. Remember that the more wax you drop in the one place, the more it retains heat and therefore will be easier to cause burning. This is more for the paraffin than the soy. You have a lot more leeway with the soy candles because of their lower temperature to melt.

So depending on what effect you want, you can use either of those and it should be warm, fun and messy. We can’t not have messy. It makes the world go round.

  • Is it possible for two doms to match up? do they then becomes switches? 

Sure it is, there’s a lot of relationships you’ll find that don’t always fit the stereotypical d/s and nothing more relationship type. You can make and be whatever you want in a relationship, it doesn’t have to be just one thing. I think there’s a lot of stigma around people who switch, because it’s seen as not being one or the other. So what are you? It’s a bit like being bisexual to me, you know? I don’t fit either that well. I have a huge host of submissive tendencies, but I’m feisty. I’ll ultimately submit but not without a good fight first. I guess two doms means that they either have an understanding of each other as equals and have their own submissives in a house, or that one may be a bit more subservient to the other.

The great thing about this lifestyle is that there is no cut and dried cardboard cutout that applies to everything.

So yes, two doms can become switches. Or they don’t have to become switches at all but heads of equality in a house where they have their own submissives or share submissives. It’s not unheard of you know!

  • Is it possible for a dom to get to subspace?

To be honest it’s possible for anyone to get into subspace. Subspace isn’t a magical land that’s only open to submissives.

It’s a chemical reaction in your brain that releases endorphins and adrenaline that induces the happy high feeling and makes you feel so out of this world. The endorphins are your brain’s own way of making your muscles relax and you will feel calmer and more centered. Yet adrenaline will make your heart race, your breathing quicken. Adrenaline will make you feel like the world has slowed to a crawl and that every hit feels like it’s taking a long time to process and feel. You block out what’s happening around you and only feel and see what’s in front of you. My coordination decreases, I feel floaty and not anchored to the earth and my thought processes fly out the window. Long sentences become hard, although I can answer short answers, yes.. no.. if you have a safeword you should still be able to safely use this no matter how far or deep you go.

Just remember that when you slow your breathing down that you’ll start to release endorphins and if you speed up your breathing you’ll start to get adrenaline. Based on these reactions a good dom should be able to lead you on a merry dance all over the dungeon for their pleasure.

Bear in mind that subspace isn’t something that you will get to every single time. It’s a combination of play, your mood, your doms mood… it’s a variance on your exchange of energy, the connectivity between you at the time and of course if you’re both stressed then it’s never going to happen.

I think there’s this belief that subspace happens every single time someone plays. It doesn’t. It happens few and far between. In fact I think the last time I was anywhere close to being in subspace was over 8 years ago. Subspace doesn’t always happen and anyone going into a play scene expecting subspace is going to be sorely upset about it.

I think going into a play space wanting to have a good time with your dom is a healthier expectation than something that may or may not happen.

So yes, dom’s get into subspace too – just because they are dominant doesn’t mean that they can’t be masochistic too 🙂 Anyone that is into any kind of pain play may reach subspace. At the end of the day, it should be called kinky-happy-space instead of subspace because it’s not just a space for subs. It’s a space for anyone willing and open to going there.

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That’s it for Kinky Q & A this week, don’t forget that if you have any questions to leave me a comment or drop me an email – I look forward to answering more questions next week 😀

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Kinky Q & A – It’s official!

As I put out the other day, I’m going full steam ahead with the kinky question and answer that I will be doing once a week.

2-2-Fluff_Mr_Done

For anyone wanting to take part, you can either leave a comment on the page I created, or feel free to go to my contact me page to send me a question that way. I’m happy to put up anonymous posts if you don’t want your name associated with your questions. Just don’t forget to tell me that little tidbit of information!

Every week I’ll answer some questions.

I will put the image I bought from Claudette above on a new page called Kinky Q & A and will link to the new Q&A post every week.

I’ll be answering the questions every Thursday.

How exciting!! So go go my dears, give me some good ones and remember, no need to ask them all in one go – and of course, nothing is off topic or taboo. Ask away and I will answer truthfully and honestly.

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The ultimate question: Will you be my everything?

I don’t know about you guys, but being someone’s everything is a lot of pressure that I refuse to take responsibility for.

You see, I don’t believe you can be everything to another person.

We all have our different things that keep us going. We like different things, we read different things, we share certain areas of our lives with people and we delight in learning about things that we never experienced before.

At least I do.

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14

What do you mean, no?

The other night on my epic 10 hour drive from Lismore back to Sydney Loki kept me company on the phone. Well. If you call his sick whining and my baiting him a conversation. I do, I was getting much enjoyment out of it.

Although I will admit that the distance thing is a real kicker when he’s actually sick and I can’t nurse him… yes I have the right outfit for this too.

During our laughing, arguing and just generally being shits to each other we touched upon a topic that I think surprised him a bit. At least he sounded surprised.

Orgasm denial.

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11

Consensual non-consent & rape.

**Trigger warning: Sexual assault & rape discussion below**

During my time on FetLife I’ve come across so many many women referring to some of their fantasies as rape fantasy instead of consensual non-consent.

It’s not the same thing. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Why? Because until you’ve actually been assaulted you have no idea of the difference in these two things.

Consensual non-consent can be a fun space to play in with your partner. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an area of my sexuality that I love to push. That I love watching my partners eyes light up when he/she realises that they have my full consent to do whatever they want. Obviously within reason, I don’t want to end up dead or a vegetable – but that falls into mutual boundaries that should have been set by now. Consensual non-consent can be hot, dirty and endlessly vitalise one’s sex life with their other half.

Rape, on the other hand, is not fun. It’s not hot. It’s not something that I look forward to or encourage.

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How much, love? The night I nearly became a hooker.

Kings Cross, the seedy underbelly of Sydney.

The famous coke sign.

Well, at least, it used to be and to some extent I think it still is. Even though gentrification of the area has begun. There aren’t as many brothels as there were 10 years ago. The yuppies have moved in and started to call parts of it Paddington, Elizabeth Bay, Woolloomooloo in the hopes of raising their property value. Yet, this isn’t my Cross. Oh no.

My cross is a place for the weirdos, the queers, the hookers, the sexual deviants… It’s a place where you can find all kinds of things and people and no one bats an eyelid when I walk down the street in a latex dress with a fish tail. My partner holding my leash as we walk and instead of getting people gawking you get people smiling and nodding as you pass. It’s the secret handshake.

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