31

Aren’t we all alone, really? Mixed emotions.

I saw Cern last night, granted briefly, we coupled rushed and rough. I made him a very late dinner, which tasted amazing and we talked. He explained that he went there with the other lass over the weekend. The one that expressed a bit of jealousy of me. So today has seen me feeling a bit off kilter.

I’m unstable. My boundaries feel like they’ve blurred. So I messaged Cern this morning for clarification. Of my place in his life, which is so full already and now this. Should I take a step back and let them do their thing? What is my place? Does he have time for me in all this? He wanted to think about it, so I’m giving him space to do just that.

In the meantime this song came up in my music mix list and I thought I should blog about this. This feeling of dread that’s settled in the pit of my stomach.

We are all alone at the end of the day aren’t we? It’s about who we decide to share all the other bits of ourselves with.

So then I guess it becomes about knowing where I stand with Cern. I want to share bits of myself with him and every time I see him I feel like I have an emotional drop the next day. I don’t know what it is, but he leaves me emotionally frayed. The little things get to me. I get introspective and I start to question a lot of things.

So I’m hoping that with some clarification from him I can decide where I stand. If I’m just a fuck and nothing more than I can regulate my emotions for him and leave it as just a fuck once a week and get on with my life.

But without knowledge of where I stand I feel like I’m flailing around without much of an anchor.

Ps. Cuntmonkeyface still hasn’t replied to me. It’s now a week and a half. I’ve gone from being angry to contemplating going to Vegas and marrying him… I don’t know what to do now. Part of me thinks that she’s being a bitch and for that I’m not walking away from him for that. He’s a part of my life and I love him. Either way, I’ll see him next year. Whether she likes it or not.

28

Oh anger, my good friend! The other woman issues.

You know, a good friend said to me yesterday that I should be patient. That I should wait.

That it’s some kind of stupid long weekend in America and that she hasn’t had time.

SHE’S HAD AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK!

A WHOLE WEEK!

Yes, yes, we’re talking about Scotty’s other woman. His fiance. His… well at this rate, anger making cuntmonkeyface.

Today, today I’m full of good things. I’m centered, I’m feeling the love for my people, it’s strong, it’s steady and it’s a constant stream along those lines that connect my heart to theirs. Can you feel it? I hope you can, I lovers you all.

I was told I should be patient and take the high road. I retorted with I will take the high road. Right after I step on that bitches face to step up to it.

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And that is where I stand right now.

I’m furious.

I’m so angry I could swim over there just to kick her arse around like a little basketball and then swim home again.

But I hold my tongue. I messaged Scotty last week to ask if she’d gotten the message. He says that they are currently with family up north and that he’s sure she will reply when she has a spare minute. This morning I realise from pictures they are back in Vegas. Where has polite manners gone these days? A quick note back from her to say “Thanks for your message, currently engaged with family for holidays and will get back to you when I have a spare moment” would have been sufficient. But what do I get? Nothing.

A BIG FAT NOTHING.

Well fuck you too.

i-will-not-keep-calm-and-you-can-sod-off-6

End rant here.

Sighs miserably. Why can’t she love me?

9

Do I have to? Realisations in dating

For a long time I’ve wondered why I’ve thrown up walls and excuses for men and women that message me who seem suitable to date.

The other night I had an epiphany from talking a lot with another blogger friend in email has helped me come to some realisations myself.

I’m not ready to date.

I’m not ready to even contemplate anything romantic or heart warming. I’m still in a pretty horrible place mentally, I don’t have the energy to pursue anything because believe me I think there’s some that might be a lot of fun if I did pursue, but I can’t seem to. I think this relates back to the post I wrote about mental health and my health. The fact that after my ex broke up with earlier this year I’ve fallen into a downward spiral of distancing myself from a lot of my friends because that’s what depression does. I’ve isolated myself and I’m clawing my way back out slowly, but this will take time.

So instead of pushing myself to date, I put the brakes on it. It’s not fair on anyone I date. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to wholly commit coupled with the fact that I don’t plan on staying in Australia for more than another 4 years means dating and committing to someone is out of the question.

Because that decision is actually fair on me and it’s fair on a person that I might meet who wants more.

What I did at this point was change my profile to say I’m looking for a FWB arrangement, hence my previous post, to indicate that I would be open to men & women approaching me in regards to this type of arrangement. I was hoping that it would open the world up to those guys & gals that are in relationships so they don’t need me to invest but are happy to see me once or twice a week and be friends outside of that.

What’s wrong with this picture you say?

Well here’s the thing. Usually I am very free in my love and loving. Where, who and what the person in question has done previously wouldn’t be an issue. So this has then made me question why, after years and years of free loving with friends, with acquaintances and with relative strangers have I now made the jump to feeling a bit grossed out by the share factor.

This isn’t the share factor with anyone else on a greater scale – with this I still have no issue, this is the share factor within the Sydney Kink Community.

What’s changed that’s made me not want to explore people sexually that have gotten around a bit? Partly it’s to do with 60% of the Sydney Kink Community I think is full of twatburgers. People and their twue wayisms that are blind to anything outside of how they think this lifestyle should be led. People who think that because you don’t do things their way that your kink is somehow less than what they do. People who are brash, sexist, misogynistic and downright assholes.

I’ve dabbled in this lifestyle and within the community for well over 10 years. I’ve given most of those years performing at Hellfire on stage with my kinky family. The other years I did performances at Inquisition, at various kink nights, at Penrith Panthers once too. I’ve been to Darwin to perform at their Sexxxpo. We’ve been to New Zealand to perform at their annual Kink even in Christchurch. We’ve been to Melbourne to perform at the re-opening of Hellfire Melbourne. I’ve been with people who are long gone that I’ve seen again and haven’t seen again. I used to be part of a house where we opened it up once a month and had people over who used our dungeon, our furniture, our space to drink, eat, make merry… I’ve witnessed kinky marriages, court cases and hate rampages. I’ve had stalkers, falling out with friends, and my own many mistakes over the years.

How did I get to where I am now? How have I changed? Why did I change?

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30

Morning tears for humanity

Yesterday I started the day by crying, in bed whilst scrolling through Facebook. My cat thought I was a wee bit insane but snuggled up to my mopey self anyway.

It was this video that had me crying.

I was teary all morning due to this and it wasn’t until I stopped to question myself why this video had affected me the way it had.

And I think it’s because I’ve been there. I’ve been on the receiving end of that kind of hatred before, unjustifiable, unreasoning, un-containable hatred. For loving someone of the same gender. I can’t and don’t understand the blatant anger, hatred and blind rage that it causes in people.

Why does what and who I do in the bedroom matter? Why do people feel the need to tell me that I’m going to a hell that was concocted just for the very reason that people could be subjugated? Why is it ok for people to feel that they have the right to scream abuse at me and my partner while they drive past in their cars? To spit at our feet as they pass us in the street because we were holding hands? To tell us that we’re less than human because we’re in love…

I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. I refuse to get it.

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2

The L word

And no, I don’t mean the L word as in the lesbian TV series, although it was a great soft porn show… if I do say so myself.

So let’s talk about that funny thing that makes us all giddy, high, scared, neurotic and warm and fuzzy about another person.

Loki texted me last Tuesday. He texted me something that made me pause. I felt my heart skip a few beats and then flutter to life and beat stupidly fast as I grinned like the cat that got the cream. Literally.

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6

Para-noir – I fuck you because I loved you

“para-noir,” which was meant to represent excessive darkness and the paranoia of trust – Marilyn Manson

I was listening to this song while working and the meaning of the song, why it was written and the responses made me think about the various reasons why I’ve fucked people.

You see, according to Manson – he had a huge amount of girls come through and he asked them why they would fuck him. Their responses are what makes this song. The chorus is his reply to them.

And I thought what a quaint idea. To make a post about the why’s of fucking.

I’d fuck you because you’re famous

Would you? Have you? Could you?

My answer… Possibly. Chemistry has always been a very big reason in whether I let someone get between my legs. Because they are famous doesn’t change the equation. I need chemistry. I need lust. I need something.

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4

The stigma of bisexuality. Monosexism at it’s best.

Let’s get into this whole bisexual thing. Because apparently it is a “thing”. Or so I keep being told by lesbians. Or straight people. I’ll succumb to my heteronormative rights and hide behind a man apparently.

Or I’m just greedy. I can’t make up my mind. I only act at being gay. People ask me what my orientation is, I say half gay. Queer. I identify more with queer and have for a long time in my life. I don’t fit the lipstick lesbian mould. I don’t fit the butch mould. I have long hair. I wear jeans, cons and wife beaters with bright red lipstick on. I have pink power tools. I wear dresses and heels and sometimes I even grow and paint my  nails. I tie people up and suspend them for my pleasure. And sometimes theirs.

I fall in love with personalities. Not what’s in their pants. I love tits. I love cock. I love the twinkle in a person’s eye when they cotton on to what perverted shit I’ve whispered in their ear. What’s hiding behind their clothing has never been an issue for me.

Does this make me any less slutty? No. I own my inner slut. We’re on reaaaaaaaaaaaaally good terms. In fact, we’ve had a lot of fun together over the years and I’m not ashamed of it. Bless her. She’s made me a better person. However just because I’m bisexual hasn’t meant that it’s caused me to be promiscuous. I have never cheated on a partner. I’ve had them cheat on me though. What I learnt from those experiences is that I prefer brutal honesty in a relationship instead of lies and deceit. You want to fuck someone? Sure, let me know, most times I’m not going to give a flying fuck about who you want to stick what into long as you keep it safe. Lie to me and I walk. There are no second chances with that.

When I’m single I’m up for a lot. Because why the hell shouldn’t I indulge in my fantasy’s? They are healthy. And like my wank fodder up there, I happily take on more than one. But that doesn’t mean that when I’m in a relationship I’m somehow lacking. I bring it to the table, do you?

So let’s start with what bisexuality means, dictionary wise.

bi·sex·u·al

[bahy-sek-shoo-uhl]

adjective

1. Biology:

a. of both sexes.
b. combining male and female organs in one individual; hermaphroditic.

2. sexually responsive to both sexes; ambisexual.

Then let’s talk about monosexism. What is monosexism?

Monosexism is synonymous with biphobia in many ways because it perpetuates the myth that a person can only truly be attracted to one gender. Monosexists reinforce binary thinking through their insistence that orientation is confined to the two polarities of either straight or gay. – Erin Tatum – Everyday Femisim Article

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3

Happily ever after? Fuck you Disney.

Disney has a lot to answer for.

What is true love? What is this happily ever after that these characters seem to get?

All I’ve known is heart ache. Happily ever after has a fucking shelf life.

It’s about 2 – 3 years max. Then they walk out of your life never to return.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Disney lied.

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