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Insanity. Instability. And love.

This week was meant to be court week.

The week where we got to finally have our say and put the arsehole who raped my friend behind bars. Or at least deported out of the country.

But it’s been postponed. Again.

This weekend had been hard. It was emotionally tough. And poor Cern tried to break through to me on multiple occasions and I didn’t know how to let him in.

Except on Sunday night. The night before all hell was going to break loose. I couldn’t sleep. Even wrapped in his arms I felt restless. Adrift. Alone. I’d walled myself in and as much as I wanted to kick down the walls because I was suffocating I had no idea how to let myself out. I could hear him knocking. But it sounded like he was miles away.

Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Fear.

Fear is such a huge catalyst. The thought that both my friend and I have to go through this again in 3 months terrifies me. That I know it’s for the best and that it’s what he deserves doesn’t lessen the burden of fear. Fear for my friends sanity of having to relieve her rape again and again for 2 years. The fear that this fucking thing will never go away. The fear that she won’t cope and because I’m so emotionally retarded that I won’t be able to help her. Fear that we’d fail. Fear in knowing how often rape cases go to court and the outcomes. Fear that because it was his word against hers and that she’d had a few drinks that night it would mean it’s her fault. Fear that no matter what we said and how we told the truth, that he’d win.

Try as I might I couldn’t verbalise any of it. I couldn’t let it out. For the first time ever I turned from him in the hopes of being able to breathe instead of feeling like I was drowning. I wanted to be in his arms yet felt suffocated when I was. Not because of him, not because of us, but because I was breaking. And to top it off I felt like I was competing for his time with his phone – when I tried to turn over he shut down whatever he was doing and it just made me withdraw more. It felt like he was hiding things from me and that just puts me into a state where I just can’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It was disastrous and to be honest it makes me emotionally wall off even more.

I have a stupid habit of playing my cards close to my chest. It’s how I’ve always been, I’ve never really had anyone else to lean on. So when Cern keeps telling me that I have him I don’t know how to respond. Do I really? Does anyone ever really have anyone to depend on other than themselves? Every single time I’ve reached out my hand has been bitten off. I’m weary. Yet I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong one. Of keeping it together. I’m just bone weary tired.

So he put his phone down and tried to get me to talk. Repeatedly. The man has the patience of a saint. And for that I’m grateful. Because I was crying on the inside. I was flooding and drowning and I couldn’t talk to him even after he requested I did time and time again.

And then it happened as he touched my arm and moved closer to me. My walls cracked. And as he held me and rolled me on top of him I sobbed great big ugly heaving sobs, he rubbed my back, patted my hair, kissed my wet face and told me over and over again that he’s not letting me go. That I can lean on him and let it out. And I did. I flopped on top of him not caring a wit if I was crushing him and I cried until I felt like I couldn’t cry any more. Except there’s always more tears aren’t there? There are tears and there’s that ugly crying face, which thankfully he didn’t see much of because the room was dark.

And as I cried he explained to me why he loved me. Why I meant so much to him. How I’m now his family and that I don’t have to do things on my own any more. He told me how much his kids loved me and that I was an amazing person. Even as I sobbed that I didn’t want to be me any more, it was too hard. He held me closer as he whispered in my ear about how much I’ve changed & strengthened him and how much love I’ve given him – how he’s never had anyone else treat him like an equal before and how much that means to him. How much I mean to him. And the more he talked the more I cried.

Until he said something like “I told you that I’d make you cry tonight” and I started laughing. Needless to say that sitting up on top of him so I could try to get my snot and tears under control turned into him telling me to not do that because it was hot and he might not be able to control himself. Which then prompted me to move my hips as I felt him get harder under me. There’s something quite powerful about it. Knowing I was covered in snot and tears and yet he still found me arousing. How could I stop now? I continued to grind, wiggle and move against him before he had me on my back and was licking and sucking on my nipples as I asked him to stop. He looked at me confused to which I replied that I just wanted to feel him inside me. Bless him, he obliged.

And honestly? It was blissful. It was sweet, it was soft and it was hot. Especially the bit where I could actually feel him getting bigger towards the end. It’s intoxicating. And when he gets that big I can feel him come deep inside me and it makes me spontaneously orgasm with him. Chain reactions. I didn’t want to disengage from him in that moment. I could have stayed connected for a lifetime. And I felt centred again. I felt connected to him again and all the anxiety, the doubts, the fears receded. I felt all that he had said and more in those moments. I relaxed and I can’t even remember how or when I fell asleep. Only that I knew that sleep was restful being wrapped in him.

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He holds onto me so tightly.

So when we got word the day after that it was all postponed again, along with the anxiety and anguish that we have to go through all this again in 3 months came the calm knowledge that maybe next time won’t be as hard and that I’m honestly blessed with Cern. I’m still keeping him.

9

The interconnection of poly and jealousy

Well as you all know, Cern and I are now primary partners. Which, logically, should mean that I’m secure enough in us that everyone else doesn’t matter…

But sometimes that’s just not true.

Which leads me into a discussion I was having with a lovely lassy today about mono vs poly.

It shouldn’t be an us and them mentality, I really really hate that mentality and will avoid it at all costs. I think, like many things, there’s a spectrum of where we all sit in regards to being monogamous versus being poly. There are relationships that will start monogamous and open up at a later date when both parties are secure in what they’ve built. There are others that hit the ground running in an open relationship without being mono at all. There’s greys m’dears. So many bloody grey areas.

I think as soon as emotional attachment comes into the picture the ease of sharing someone gets one degree harder. Not because of anything but our own perceptions. But that doesn’t make it any easier to work through now, does it? No.

But after talking today about the issues surrounding mono, poly and jealousy I thought I’d do some digging to see if I could help find her something to refer to. And I found a wealth of knowledge.

Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don’t get jealous. Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.

A poly relationship depends much more than a traditional relationship on mutual security and trust. Even the smallest amount of insecurity in a poly relationship can quickly be magnified to the point where it can be lethal to the relationship. – Theory of Jealousy

Ding ding ding! It’s as I thought, there’s always underlying issues that make us feel or react in a way to something that’s said or done which can cause hurt and the feeling of inadequacy in our partners. That may not be the intention but sometimes it’s the outcome even so. So then the discussion becomes how do we try to stop that from happening?

One of the central fixtures in most polyamorous relationships, especially polyamorous relationships between an existing couple who begin with a monogamous relationship and then expand the relationship to include polyamory, is a set of rules or covenants designed to protect the existing relationship and to make the people in the relationship feel secure—in other words, to deal with issues like jealousy, insecurity, and threat. I’m going to use the metaphor of the refrigerator and bend it to my own ends. – Dealing with Jealousy

I had a conversation with Cern the other day as we were driving to our 2nd date about what expectations I had of him. For me jealousy falls under the umbrella of when I’m feeling really insecure about myself, about him and about our relationship because of X, Y or Z. It could be a throw away comment that gives me pause and makes me feel that sinking feeling inside or it’s that I’ve felt that I was not being told the truth or there was omission of some kind. I told him that for the most part I don’t really give a shit about the bits on the side that he’s fucking. Because I don’t. I’m not competing with them for his time or his attention when we’re together and that gives me a sense of security in our relationship that they won’t be affecting us in any way shape or form. But sometimes this security wavers.

And I think it wavers because we’re both so new to each other still. I just don’t have the grounded history with him. Sure, that will happen in time, but now – sometimes I just find it really bloody hard and sometimes I think I can’t be bothered with this whole open thing any more and want to retreat into my cave and buy another cat. But these feelings, they don’t boil down to anything he’s done. Quite the opposite, they boil down to the fact that I have my own issues which being open is making me deal with – my own issues of self-worth, self-confidence and self-awareness. Past relationships wear us down and break us sometimes, rebuilding and re-bettering is hard work, no?

So. The question is, why are you jealous? Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it’s a feeling that’s often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity. What is it that triggers the jealousy, and more important,why? When you think about the things that cause you to feel jealous, what’s the first emotional reaction that flashes through your head—fear? Anger? Sadness? Rejection? Loss? What underlies those feelings—fear of loss her? Fear of being insufficient? Anger at someone else moving in on your territory? All of these? None of these? – Theory of Jealousy

Plus… Nothing is guaranteed in this life. I learnt that the hard way.

But Cern pushes so many of my buttons that even if we were mono he’d scare the bejesus out of me – he doesn’t scare me in a bad way, it’s all good. The man has prime real estate stakes in my brain – not an hour goes past without me thinking of him. Not a minute goes past that I’m not aware that he’s chatting up others, most days these things don’t matter, some days they do so I guess that we’re open just makes that fear amplified in a myriad of ways. He’s the first person I’ve met that I haven’t mentally given a shelf life to. He’s different. I don’t know how else to explain it. That he makes me feel so much is different. I feel everything a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’ve let him past all defences and now I’m dealing with the fall out of him being inside before I was ready for him to be or if this is just some irrational crazy moment I’m having in my head.

He knows of my fears, he knows that he causes me some fears himself. He’s aware of my insecurities, my stupid brain farts and general non-sense. I have rational moments. I have irrational moments. I get emotional and logically talk myself back from the emotional ledge I’ve walked off to.

Many years ago, I was dating a woman I’d met at college, who I’ll call R. During the course of our relationship, R started dating another close friend of mine, T. And for the first time in my life, for the first time in my history (at the time) of a half-dozen successful long-term poly relationships, I was jealous.

I don’t mean “you know, this makes me uncomfortable” jealous. I mean “completely overwhelmed, smashed to pieces beneath a tidal wave of feelings I could not anticipate or predict or control; gut-wrenching, wanting-to-puke” jealous. I mean the kind of jealous that consumes every other feeling and leaves nothing but ashes behind. I’d never felt those things before, and when I was in the middle of those feelings the only thing—the only thing—I could think about was making the feelings stop, however I could.

Because it happened when she was with T, and didn’t happen at other times, I made the logical, reasonable, and totally stupid assumption that the cause of the feelings was her relationship with T. From there, I reached the equally stupid conclusion that the thing that would make the jealousy go away was if she changed something about her behaviour or her relationship with T. (I also didn’t really recognize the jealousy for what it was, powerful as it was, because I’d never felt it before, which only reinforced the notion that it was “caused by” her relationship with him.)

I behaved pretty reprehensibly, playing passive-aggressive games and just generally acting like…well, like a lot of people dealing with their first crisis in a poly relationship act. Predictably, it destroyed my relationship with her. She went on to marry T and cut me out of her life completely; the very thing I was afraid of came to pass because of my jealousy. Had I not behaved the way I did, we’d probably still be close, almost 15 years later.


In hindsight, now that I have a lot more experience and a bit more emotional wisdom under my belt, I can see where I went wrong. When a person feels jealous, and attributes the jealousy to the things that trigger the jealousy, he doesn’t actually understand the jealousy. It’s a bit like a person who has never seen a rabbit except when it’s being pursued by a dog believing that the dog is the cause of the rabbit. In reality, jealousy is built of other emotions; jealousy is not “caused” in any direct sense by the action that triggers it, but rather by a different emotional response to the act that triggers it.

In my case, R and I had never really discussed her relationship with T; nor had we talked about, in any capacity at all, what her intentions with T were or what effect, if any, that would have on her intentions with and her relationship with me. Put most simply, I saw her and T together, I had no idea what that meant for her and me, so I became afraid of being replaced. The fear of being replaced, in turn, led to the jealousy.

Now, had I actually taken the time to examine the jealousy and really try to understand it, I probably would’ve figured that out. And, once I understood that the jealousy was caused by a fear of being replaced…well, a fear of being replaced is a fear that you can work with. A fear of being replaced, all things considered, is really not that difficult to address. All it requires is conversation about intentions, perhaps a bit of reassurance, and time enough to demonstrate that the conversations and reassurance are genuine, and hey, there you go. – Dealing with Jealousy

And that’s all we all want at the end of the day.

To know that we mean something to someone. To be wanted. Desired. To be dear to someone.

That we all feel insecure, afraid, unsure, unloved, unwanted… it’s all emotions that can be assisted by just opening up that person. So sometimes when I feel that I need extra attention I’ll ask Cern for hugs. Or a kiss.

So then how does one try to get past the jealousy?

It means saying, “I know that I am feeling jealous. I know that the jealousy is brought about by some other emotion—some emotion that is triggered by the action that makes me jealous. I need to figure out what that other emotion is, and I need to figure out why that action triggers that emotion.”

Until you do that, you are helpless in the face of the jealousy. If you don’t understand it, there is nothing you can do to address it. Trying to understand it isn’t easy; when you’re ass-deep in alligators, it’s easy to forget that the initial goal was to drain the swamp, and when you’re entirely overwhelmed by gut-wrenching emotions that are tearing you to pieces, it’s easy to forget that these emotions are grounded in some other emotions. In the middle of jealousy, all you want is for the jealousy to stop, and you don’t care how.

So, you confuse the trigger with the cause. You believe, erroneously, that the source of the jealousy is the action that triggers it. You see your partner kiss someone, you feel jealous, you want the jealousy to stop, you pass a rule: “No more kissing.”

I don’t have any problem with my partner having a relationship with another man, but I’ll continue using that as an example. If I did have a problem with that, the conversation between my partner and I might go something like this:

“I am uncomfortable with this, and for some reason the idea of you playing alone with a person of the same sex as you are is OK with me but the idea of you playing alone with the person of the same sex as I am is not OK with me.

I do not understand these feelings yet, but they seem like they are rooted in some kind of fear (such as the fear that I cannot compete with someone of the same sex as me), or possibly some jealousy. I need to work on this, because I recognize that it is irrational and unjustified. Therefore, it is OK with me if you play with someone of either sex, but I will want to talk to you about it afterward, and analyze my feelings and reactions, and try to understand them so that I can address whatever is causing these reactions. After you are done, I will need some time with you so that we can work together at identifying what is causing this irrational emotional response on my part.” – Dealing with Jealousy

What I love about these articles are that they don’t just tell you how jealousy is bad for you and your relationship.

They give you a sense of understanding of why you feel the way you do, how that feeling is coming about, what are the things you can do to address these feelings and how to communicate with your partner so that you aren’t blaming them or making them feel bad about what they are doing yet at the same time conveying what you need to convey so that you get the reassurances that you need in order to feel secure and safe in your primary relationship.

Things can get a little trickier still (this business of romantic relationship is messy, isn’t it?) when your partner has done something, intentionally or unintentionally, to damage your trust or to mistreat you in some way. When this happens, it takes time to rebuild trust and to repair the damage, and it’s reasonable to expect not to keep doing things which are threatening until you get enough time and distance to separate the damage from mere discomfort.

Of course, I say “mere discomfort” even though I know full well that that “mere discomfort” can be an overwhelming tidal wave of jealousy that so completely washes over you that it leaves you shaking and twisted up in agony and unable to do or say or think about anything save for making the feeling go away. Hey, I never said it was easy—only that it’s possible, and necessary. – Dealing with Jealousy

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So yes, you aren’t alone. Everyone feels insecure at some point, but don’t forget that working through your own emotions and having the communication lines open with your partner will mean that instead of the negative emotions destroying what you have, they will make it stronger for how you both work through them together.

Sure I find it all really hard sometimes, but then I’m sure he does too. Maybe I’m too empathetic in that I hate the mono vs poly debate and how everyone should be kept separate in their boxes. Nothing is ever that easy. And not all mono relationships are purely closed either, sometimes they share people but keep it closed all other times. Sometimes poly isn’t always about shagging or having relationships with whatever you want either. We all have our own spectrum of what we’re comfortable with and I dare say, the goal posts will move as a relationship progresses anyway. So how you start out will change as we change. There is no black and white cut out of a perfect relationship. There’s just what we build.

Not all jealousy is bad. Sometimes it leads to wonderful personal and relationship growth.

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

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Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

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The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

6

Para-noir – I fuck you because I loved you

“para-noir,” which was meant to represent excessive darkness and the paranoia of trust – Marilyn Manson

I was listening to this song while working and the meaning of the song, why it was written and the responses made me think about the various reasons why I’ve fucked people.

You see, according to Manson – he had a huge amount of girls come through and he asked them why they would fuck him. Their responses are what makes this song. The chorus is his reply to them.

And I thought what a quaint idea. To make a post about the why’s of fucking.

I’d fuck you because you’re famous

Would you? Have you? Could you?

My answer… Possibly. Chemistry has always been a very big reason in whether I let someone get between my legs. Because they are famous doesn’t change the equation. I need chemistry. I need lust. I need something.

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