0

Insanity. Instability. And love.

This week was meant to be court week.

The week where we got to finally have our say and put the arsehole who raped my friend behind bars. Or at least deported out of the country.

But it’s been postponed. Again.

This weekend had been hard. It was emotionally tough. And poor Cern tried to break through to me on multiple occasions and I didn’t know how to let him in.

Except on Sunday night. The night before all hell was going to break loose. I couldn’t sleep. Even wrapped in his arms I felt restless. Adrift. Alone. I’d walled myself in and as much as I wanted to kick down the walls because I was suffocating I had no idea how to let myself out. I could hear him knocking. But it sounded like he was miles away.

Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Fear.

Fear is such a huge catalyst. The thought that both my friend and I have to go through this again in 3 months terrifies me. That I know it’s for the best and that it’s what he deserves doesn’t lessen the burden of fear. Fear for my friends sanity of having to relieve her rape again and again for 2 years. The fear that this fucking thing will never go away. The fear that she won’t cope and because I’m so emotionally retarded that I won’t be able to help her. Fear that we’d fail. Fear in knowing how often rape cases go to court and the outcomes. Fear that because it was his word against hers and that she’d had a few drinks that night it would mean it’s her fault. Fear that no matter what we said and how we told the truth, that he’d win.

Try as I might I couldn’t verbalise any of it. I couldn’t let it out. For the first time ever I turned from him in the hopes of being able to breathe instead of feeling like I was drowning. I wanted to be in his arms yet felt suffocated when I was. Not because of him, not because of us, but because I was breaking. And to top it off I felt like I was competing for his time with his phone – when I tried to turn over he shut down whatever he was doing and it just made me withdraw more. It felt like he was hiding things from me and that just puts me into a state where I just can’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It was disastrous and to be honest it makes me emotionally wall off even more.

I have a stupid habit of playing my cards close to my chest. It’s how I’ve always been, I’ve never really had anyone else to lean on. So when Cern keeps telling me that I have him I don’t know how to respond. Do I really? Does anyone ever really have anyone to depend on other than themselves? Every single time I’ve reached out my hand has been bitten off. I’m weary. Yet I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong one. Of keeping it together. I’m just bone weary tired.

So he put his phone down and tried to get me to talk. Repeatedly. The man has the patience of a saint. And for that I’m grateful. Because I was crying on the inside. I was flooding and drowning and I couldn’t talk to him even after he requested I did time and time again.

And then it happened as he touched my arm and moved closer to me. My walls cracked. And as he held me and rolled me on top of him I sobbed great big ugly heaving sobs, he rubbed my back, patted my hair, kissed my wet face and told me over and over again that he’s not letting me go. That I can lean on him and let it out. And I did. I flopped on top of him not caring a wit if I was crushing him and I cried until I felt like I couldn’t cry any more. Except there’s always more tears aren’t there? There are tears and there’s that ugly crying face, which thankfully he didn’t see much of because the room was dark.

And as I cried he explained to me why he loved me. Why I meant so much to him. How I’m now his family and that I don’t have to do things on my own any more. He told me how much his kids loved me and that I was an amazing person. Even as I sobbed that I didn’t want to be me any more, it was too hard. He held me closer as he whispered in my ear about how much I’ve changed & strengthened him and how much love I’ve given him – how he’s never had anyone else treat him like an equal before and how much that means to him. How much I mean to him. And the more he talked the more I cried.

Until he said something like “I told you that I’d make you cry tonight” and I started laughing. Needless to say that sitting up on top of him so I could try to get my snot and tears under control turned into him telling me to not do that because it was hot and he might not be able to control himself. Which then prompted me to move my hips as I felt him get harder under me. There’s something quite powerful about it. Knowing I was covered in snot and tears and yet he still found me arousing. How could I stop now? I continued to grind, wiggle and move against him before he had me on my back and was licking and sucking on my nipples as I asked him to stop. He looked at me confused to which I replied that I just wanted to feel him inside me. Bless him, he obliged.

And honestly? It was blissful. It was sweet, it was soft and it was hot. Especially the bit where I could actually feel him getting bigger towards the end. It’s intoxicating. And when he gets that big I can feel him come deep inside me and it makes me spontaneously orgasm with him. Chain reactions. I didn’t want to disengage from him in that moment. I could have stayed connected for a lifetime. And I felt centred again. I felt connected to him again and all the anxiety, the doubts, the fears receded. I felt all that he had said and more in those moments. I relaxed and I can’t even remember how or when I fell asleep. Only that I knew that sleep was restful being wrapped in him.

wpid-wp-1427783967039.jpeg

He holds onto me so tightly.

So when we got word the day after that it was all postponed again, along with the anxiety and anguish that we have to go through all this again in 3 months came the calm knowledge that maybe next time won’t be as hard and that I’m honestly blessed with Cern. I’m still keeping him.

13

Lemonade can kiss my zest.

I’ve avoided writing anything deep and meaningful here for a while now. Mostly because the developments with Cern I sometimes like to hoard to myself for the warm fuzzies before I share with others. And the rest, well, mainly because I can’t pinpoint what’s making me feel so … distant? Isolated? Alone? Stressed? Anxious? Actually I’ve not really wanted to vent my insanity. You see, sometimes I even become irrational and crazy because of… well….

Actually there’s a lot of things contributing to it. And as per normal, it all happened around my birthday. Damn that day coming around every year and fucking my life up.

On Monday I received my subpoena to court for the end of March for the sexual and physical assault trial – and instantly, this has added a new slowness to my step. A barrage of feelings and most of all, the feeling of drowning is overwhelming. I try really hard not to think about it, for thinking about it means it’s real and it’s going to happen. Thinking about it makes my eyes leak and my heart hurt. Cern has offered his support, not only to me but my house-mate in any way we may need him that week. I appreciate it greatly, yet I don’t know how to let him help. How do people do it? I’ve been self-sufficient for so long that I don’t know how to not be even when I obviously am not coping.

My cat went missing the other night – the neighbour said she’d seen him sitting outside my bedroom window for a few days hoping I’d let him in. Except I hadn’t been home because I was at work and stayed that night at Cern’s place. Instead of keeping my shit together and looking for him like I usually do. I had a moment in my bathroom where I just broke down before putting my big girl panties on to stop crying. Cat eventually turned up, my anxiety levels stayed high though.

Add on top of that some financial strain and I’m suddenly a hot pot of flatness and I don’t know how to break myself from the spiral. I’m pretty sure I’m really not that much fun to be around at the moment and try as I might, I think that bleeds through and Cern isn’t quite sure what to do with me either.

He asked me what was wrong last night and all I could think of to say was that with the financial stress and the emotional stress and that I’ve been so used to taking care of others and always being the strong one who keeps her shit together that sometimes I don’t know how to let it all go. I honestly don’t. It’s like another leap of faith that I don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to make right now. The thought of making myself vulnerable, even more so than I already feel, is petrifying. I’m scared of what the court case is going to bring, I’m scared of what it’s going to mean for my friend, for me… It’s easier to put on a brave face and act like I’m not falling apart inside. Which I know isn’t fair. On him or me, but the alternative makes me want to run and hide in another galaxy where he can’t find me.

My actual birthday day was beautiful. One day that shone out of the week, it’s helped get me through. We spent a lot of time tangled in each other, touching, patting, fucking… interspersed with him kidnapping me and surprising me with pancakes for breakfast/lunch. I spent the night eating pizza with my house-mate as we hugged and offered each other emotional support and drank some cider. At least she knows she’s not alone. I’m not going anywhere and we’re getting through this together.

I think I might be an emotional basket case.

My feeling of self clarity and self realisations have gone out the window. Everything is murky, like someone’s wiped the windows with a dirty dish rag.

I feel that I haven’t been there enough for my sister who just had her second baby. I haven’t helped her enough. I feel that I’ve let her down in a way by not being there. I was there every other day when my niece was born and my sister came down with that horrible sickness. Granted she hasn’t been sick this time so is very able to look after my nephew on her own, but still. I haven’t done enough.

Cern mentioned that we should move in together. If I moved out to his place I’d need to buy a car. Or a motorbike to get to work and see my friends who all live in the Inner City and he lives way out in the cunt-tree. I get it’s closer to his kids and I wouldn’t want him to move to be further from them. This isn’t always about me and I get that, I’m ok with that. The fact that his kids come first is important, not only to him. But it leaves me with a huge question mark in regards to moving away from everything that’s close and familiar to somewhere that doesn’t have a cafe around the corner (sure the shopping mall is up the road, but it’s not the same as the cafe culture of my town)… It would take me an extra 30 minutes on a train to get to work on top of the hour it already takes. That’s 3 hours travelling a day without a car. It’s such a long way away from anything. I’ve never lived so far from the city and it causes me the same feeling that heart burn gives you.

4 months. I counted. We’ve known each other 4 months yet I feel like he’s never not been a part of my life and I can’t see him not being with me. Contradiction of epic proportions, right? Right. I freaked out. I freak out at big changes like moving in together so soon. Call me old-fashioned, or crazy, or whatever. But 3 months. When is the right time to have the talk about living together? What’s the appropriate time you should be together before cohabiting? I know my ex girlfriend and I pretty much moved in together after a few months and we had nearly 4 years of an awesome relationship. Does it really matter how soon you move in together? We are pretty much spending every night together and I can’t remember the last time I slept alone – so it’s not that different anyway? Yet I’m scared because I would be giving up my social circle, my friends living close by, the social life, the Newtown lifestyle… a quick walk to a cafe, a pub or various restaurants. Yet at the same time I want to move in with him, I want to throw caution to the wind and do it. On the other hand I wonder if it’s not too soon for his kids to see me as a permanent fixture, should they spend more time with their dad alone? I feel like I’m taking time away from them being together sometimes even though I know his kids actually do enjoy my company and I theirs. Then I think that I’m being silly. Sometimes I feel silly. And there’s the issue of moving into a place that he’s lived in for a long time. It’s moving into his territory instead of moving together into new territory and making it ours. Small things, insignificant things probably but things that make me pause and wonder if we shouldn’t wait. So I’ve asked him to give me time, we have to wait till his house-mate moves out so that there’s a spare room anyway and at that point we’ll re-evaluate.

I feel like I’m full of aches at the moment. So many aches. My heart aches. My brain aches. My emotions ache.  So this week, the week of my birth oh so many years ago. Is utter fail. FAIL. Deep and meaningful’s are such hard work.

On the plus side, since the Australian dollar has taken such a nose dive – I’ve been invited to spend a few weeks rolling around on sandy beaches and snorkelling in reefs with my Hellfire urban family in Samoa – as has Cern (the first ever partner that’s been invited to holiday with us in any sense as usually we’ve kept holidays to a tight-knit group). So this will be. At the end of July/August we’re going island hopping.

I may need to find a funny video to share to make this post seem less deary…

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

images

Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

Never-Take-Someone-Feelings-Courage-Funny-Health-Jokes-and-Safety-Quotes

The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!

12

Nerves, concern, sickness & subpoenas.

We knew this day would come around eventually.

But it wasn’t a reality until I got that email saying I’ve been subpoenaed to attend court.

So the churning in my guts and the nausea I feel as I’m writing this with my eyes tearing up convinces me that this might not the easiest thing in the world. For my friend or myself.

One last hurdle. One last hurdle and it’s done. It’s gone. We never have to deal with it ever again and he gets deported after his sentence.

The relief of this doesn’t lessen the sweaty palms or the sick feeling in my stomach.

I worry about my friend. About what avenue she might take to deal with this, to get past it. However I can not fault her, this might be hard for me, it’s going to be hell for her. How she deals with this is whichever way she feels she can cope. Of me, all I can do is offering to be there.

I’m a but a buoy in the rough seas at the moment.

My own turbulence wouldn’t even match hers. Yet in a way I’m so proud of her. For not quitting. For not withdrawing and saying no more.

Sometimes there’s peace in knowing the fucker pays. I hope this gives her the peace she needs and deserves.

I don’t really have words at the moment. However when they come, I apologise in advance for the torrent of emotional posts that will follow.