For me, my urban family is probably closer to me than my actual family and losing one of them so harshly 5 years ago today hasn’t made this date any easier to bear.
I miss her face. I miss her cheeky smile and most of all, I miss her bear hugs and wit. I miss the way she made me dance with my eyes closed for hours without trying.
Hold onto those you love, whisper what they mean to you because sometimes you just don’t know when they will be gone.
Carpe diem my dears, carpe diem.
Here’s what I wrote last year …
Mental health services available:
Twenty 10 – GLBTIQ youth counselling and other services
Mental health services Australia
Mental Health Services NSW
Beyond Blue – mental health support
I’m not sure if you guys are aware but tomorrow is Mental Health Day – Friday 10th October. So in support of this I’m going to write about my issues centring around depression and health.
This year has been a bit of a rough ride for me. I went through my first bout of depression when one of my friends committed suicide and I broke up with my ex girlfriend.
This year I got dumped via text message because he was too scared to try. I found out the reason I seem to be piling on the weight even though I’m eating right and exercising didn’t have to do with me, but because my ovaries and PCOS has decided that I need another round of fucking up my life with insulin resistance. My blood sugar is so high that 1 more point and I’m diabetic. Yes, remind me to thank you ovaries again, for fucking my life over in so many nice ways. I’m on tablets I take daily, I started them 3 days ago. I’ve lost 3 kilo’s in 3 days. I’m on my way back, but the urge to run and hide is like a drug to me at the moment.
I can’t figure out if I’m currently agoraphobic because I’m depressed or I’m agoraphobic because I just don’t want to go out.
If only I could lose the big black cloud that’s currently circling my head because let me tell you something; knowing that you’re doing all the right things and your body isn’t doing what it’s meant to is a real kick in the cunt. I’ve rejoined the gym up the road so that I don’t have to avoid going for a run because it’s raining any more. My membership starts tomorrow and I can’t wait to get back into it. Also the fact that I can’t seem to find a man worth of even a cup of coffee and some talk is super depressing. Am I going to be alone forever? Should I get some more cats to counteract this?
I’m off to see my GP this weekend to get a referral to see a psychologist. Because in Australia you can get 10 free visits to a shrink for free under our health system. I’m going to make use of it, because I know what she’s going to say to me when I’m back on that couch. But sometimes I need to hear it from someone else that isn’t a friend or family. Sometimes I need to hear that anyone, given the circumstances would feel the same. I need to hear that I’m not crazy and that I will be ok. Soon.
Health wise I feel like I have taken back some control of my life. Things are going back the way the need to be. In a months time I go and get my insulin levels checked again and hopefully, hopefully they are climbing down. And with them my weight and my depression.
WordPress just informed me rather unceremoniously that it’s 5 years since I started blogging with wordpress today. I wish I had the old content from my previous blog that I had on wordpress, it would have complimented what I write here so well. Granted I was slutting around a lot more at that stage so I’m sure it was probably a bit more XXX rated. Still, I had a look at the history in another journal I kept and 5 years ago today I got my wrist tattoo. It was for a landmark year. I’d made it to 30. I never thought I would. I partied so hard in my 20’s – I always thought I’d have killed myself by 30. But I didn’t. So I got this tattoo to remind myself that sometimes life has a different path for us than what we believed. My best friend and my girlfriend at the time accompanied me to my tattoo parlour with me. My best friend refusing to budge because she enjoys watching me giggle in pain, especially when I’m pinned down with a tattoo gun. And fuck me, did I giggle – especially over my wrist bone. I could feel my bone vibrating all the way up my arm. It wasn’t as bad as my tramp stamp I got back back when I was a wee teen before tramp stamps were popular, but it was interesting.
I didn’t know it at the time but it was going to be the last year that I was actually truly happy without a care in the world in my then relationship. Before the black birds started circling, the world got darker before it got brighter. I’d given up being kinky for my partner. I was vanilla and it was slowly killing me.
Things did eventually change, they changed for the better. I went on a my first American rampage a few years after this tattoo. I found myself.
And I remembered to tell people the following on occasion, just for my own sanity.
But happy 5 years wordpress blog!! Happy freaking 5 years, how far we’ve come, yet it feels like we haven’t come far at all.
It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up — that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Four years ago today my world fractured a wee bit and this morning when I opened my phone and I had a reminder of the anniversary I swallowed hard. 4 years. Where has the time gone? I still remember your smell.
4 years ago today, I got a call from one of my very close friends, J or better known as Mistress Ultra of Hellfire, our Mandy was missing.
I was confused. What do you mean missing? How can she be missing? I saw her not that long ago. She isn’t missing. She can’t be missing. What do you mean missing?
Mandy, at the decks, taken at Hellfire August 2009 (stolen from the Hellfire Facebook)
I was glad I was sitting at this stage. I was advised that no one as seen her since the night before. Her ex-partner at the time was beside herself with worry. J’s tension and worry was making her voice waver over the phone. I swallowed the lump in my throat and pushed the tears in my eyes away.
So what do we know I asked. J advised that no one knows anything yet. The police are looking into it. She went out the night before and that was all we knew.
The tenterhooks started that day.
My already failing relationship took a nose dive for the worst. And the less we heard about what was going on the bigger the hole I fell into.
I used to scoff at people who said they were depressed. I didn’t get it. Believe me, by the end of the week I knew what rock bottom was like.
Turmoil. Turbulence. Tumult.
Source available by clicking on picture.
You know those days and weeks where you feel like you’re drowning? I feel like that.
There’s a lot of things going on in my life at the moment that I have no control over which is affecting my motivation to do a lot of other stuff. The further behind I fall the less I feel like I can dig myself out of this hole.
Instead of spending last night at home starting on my report that’s due this Sunday I was on a bus to visit my sister, mother & sick niece. I love spending time with my favourite women, I really do. But it also meant that in my wayward trial to get home I missed the last bus out of the eastern beaches. Who knew the last bus left before granny’s went to bed?
This meant that by the time I got home it was 9.30pm – too late to start studying let alone doing anything apart from falling on my bed and hunting down my pain meds to try to get some semblance of sleep. I can’t wait till I see my physio tomorrow afternoon after work. I’m counting down the hours.
And somehow my weekend of studying has been taken up by other things. I totally forgot that Hitching Bitches was on Sunday and now my partner in crime isn’t going to be in Sydney so I have to be there to run it this weekend instead of being at home working.
Saturday is a total write off as I volunteer at the Cat Protection Society so will be doing that in the morning and have a Star Wars marathon at the movies.
Which leaves me 3 nights to get this done. 3 nights. It’s causing me anxiety.
And I miss my man. Distance is not such a nice thing when all I want is a hug.
I shall be fine. That’s my new mantra.
Restarting yoga again next week for realignment. Which basically means I’ll cry like a bitch after each session until I’m centred again.
The toy I got my friends cats, here’s half of them playing with it. White: Göreme – Black: Satan – Grey: Major Minke
Here’s some kitties for happy…
And perhaps I am writing this for any of you out there who are lonely too. There’s not much we can do about it. I am luckier than many of you because I am lonely in a crowd of people who are mostly very nice to me and appear to be pleased to meet me. But I want you to know that you are not alone in your being alone. – Stephen Fry
I read something by Stephen Fry this week that has gotten me thinking hard. Navel gazing at it’s best I would say.
I say this because it resonated with me. Deep down, it struck a cord. I’m also one of those people that is surrounded by people who are also happy to know me and are very nice to me yet feeling strangely I still feel lonely.