Moving is going… well. I have so much still to do and boxes to unpack that I’m exhausted just thinking about it. My cat is all but back to normal but he’s due back at the vets on Monday to have more blood tests and a clot in his neck biopsied. He’s climbing, biting and waking me up at 3am with a paw in my mouth while he perches on my tits staring down at me while I’m sleeping on my back.
This last week has seen an influx of inane emails on OKC for me though. Inane as in, not even worth my time replying kind. And it takes a lot for me not to reply because ultimately I’m too polite for my own good.
What I also realised is that I may need to re-write my profile. You see, it lists me as being in an open relationship. But for some reason men seem to view this as me looking for something better than Cern.
Which, let’s face it, is never going to happen.
So then it got me thinking. What does one put in said profile to say that they’ve met the love of their life and they aren’t in an open relationship because they aren’t getting fulfilled at home, quite the opposite to be honest. I’m getting fulfilled at home to the point that I’m not even looking anywhere else. If people write to me then great, I keep up conversation and keep in touch. But I’m no purposefully seeking or making dates. I’m not looking at profiles thinking “Oh yeah, I need to get this person into bed or I must meet this person for a coffee and shagging session”.
I love what I have with Cern. I honestly do. And at the moment it’s all so new and beautiful and I’m enjoying him so much that I don’t see the need nor the desire to stop my obsession just being focused on him. You know, the honeymoon period. I want to enjoy it for all it’s worth. And when we settle into a routine a year or so later, I may even purposefully seek for some different kinds of interactions. But that’s where I am at, he’s been going out on coffee dates and to be honest, I haven’t really cared that he has. Except when he baits me to the point that I lose my shit at him – he has this habit of pushing my buttons.
For example, he met a girl this week for a coffee. Which he enjoyed and that was great, I was happy he met someone he had a good time with. I’m all for him meeting new people – unfortunately she was named the same name as an ex-friend of mines child who went a bit crazy (the ex-friend, not her child) – which made me cringe internally but I’m sure his friend comes from a normal family and doesn’t have crazy in her genes. But when he started pushing that I somehow should sleep with her it squicked me out. And yet he kept pushing. And I kept getting snarkier.
It didn’t stem from jealousy, this reaction. At least, I don’t think it did. I think that if and when we do want to have a threesome, that it’s something we both do together. We both talk to the person, we both get to know them, we both interact and keep communications open across the board. It’s really important to me to be kept in the loop. It makes me feel included and desired as opposed to feeling like the bit of meat on the side that’s added as an afterthought because it might be fun. And I realise this kind of thinking is silly and totally not how Cern means for it all to come across, however my own relationship history has warped me a bit in regards to a lot of things and it’s a process of me working through them all to unravel and retrain myself to think differently – or at least feel differently.
And my knee jerk reaction to having women I don’t know, I’ve never talked to or know anything about thrown at me like meat on a stick is that I feel cheap – and it reminds me of how my ex used to parade and flirt in front of me with other women in a way to elicit a negative reaction after we had the conversation of having a closed relationship as opposed to an open one because he didn’t want to share me. It brings up feelings of inadequacy and insecurity of self – and I don’t like being there at all.
Maybe this comes with age into a relationship; the knowledge and trust in your partner finding someone suitable without your input… but right now, I don’t really have that and it just makes me not want to play, in fact it tempts me to pack up my toys and go home.
I mentioned that I wanted a threesome for my birthday – which we still haven’t gotten around to, but with life being so freaking busy I figure it will happen. It’s just a matter of when and not something I really want to rush anyway.
But coming back to my profile on OKC – how does one write a profile to say that I am not looking for the love of my life? I think I’ve already found him. I’m not saying I’m in an open relationship because I think there’s someone better out there for me. I’m not on OKC because my partner doesn’t satisfy me in bed or in life. I’m not on there because I somehow think he’s lacking and I need someone else to make up the difference.
I’m there because, I know, no matter how much you say it’s not true, all relationships hit a plateau – and being able to have the option of something outside what you have built doesn’t diminish what you have at home, it makes you appreciate it more.
That the thought of needles and me poking them into someone else makes Cern turn this funny shade of green. He doesn’t quite grasp my love of finger painting in someone’s blood or that I find the entire thing really tribalistic – ritualistic even. Someone is giving me access to the very thing that keeps them alive – that runs in their veins and lights up their eyes. Blood play is intoxicating on many a level. But there’s certain kinks of mine that he is totally not into – and that’s ok. He doesn’t have to be. But being in an open relationship gives me the option of exploring those other kinks with other people. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to get into their pants. If anything it’s more about the intimacy of play and sharing something different. There’s so much to life apart from just sex and you can find intimacy in a wide variety of things, especially in the kink world.
Unfortunately I don’t quite know how to explain that to people who don’t understand alternative lifestyles – they just don’t get “it”.
And so I wonder, how does one put all this into a profile and make it clear that “open relationship” doesn’t mean this is a pissing competition and you get to “win” me from Cern. It’s a sharing of aspects of ourselves with the knowledge and consent of our partners – and the security of knowing that no matter what, they will love you and be there for you to come home to.