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Open relationship doesn’t mean I’m looking for something better…

Moving is going… well. I have so much still to do and boxes to unpack that I’m exhausted just thinking about it. My cat is all but back to normal but he’s due back at the vets on Monday to have more blood tests and a clot in his neck biopsied. He’s climbing, biting and waking me up at 3am with a paw in my mouth while he perches on my tits staring down at me while I’m sleeping on my back.

This last week has seen an influx of inane emails on OKC for me though. Inane as in, not even worth my time replying kind. And it takes a lot for me not to reply because ultimately I’m too polite for my own good.

What I also realised is that I may need to re-write my profile. You see, it lists me as being in an open relationship. But for some reason men seem to view this as me looking for something better than Cern.

Which, let’s face it, is never going to happen.

So then it got me thinking. What does one put in said profile to say that they’ve met the love of their life and they aren’t in an open relationship because they aren’t getting fulfilled at home, quite the opposite to be honest. I’m getting fulfilled at home to the point that I’m not even looking anywhere else. If people write to me then great, I keep up conversation and keep in touch. But I’m no purposefully seeking or making dates. I’m not looking at profiles thinking “Oh yeah, I need to get this person into bed or I must meet this person for a coffee and shagging session”.

I love what I have with Cern. I honestly do. And at the moment it’s all so new and beautiful and I’m enjoying him so much that I don’t see the need nor the desire to stop my obsession just being focused on him. You know, the honeymoon period. I want to enjoy it for all it’s worth. And when we settle into a routine a year or so later, I may even purposefully seek for some different kinds of interactions. But that’s where I am at, he’s been going out on coffee dates and to be honest, I haven’t really cared that he has. Except when he baits me to the point that I lose my shit at him – he has this habit of pushing my buttons.

 

For example, he met a girl this week for a coffee. Which he enjoyed and that was great, I was happy he met someone he had a good time with. I’m all for him meeting new people – unfortunately she was named the same name as an ex-friend of mines child who went a bit crazy (the ex-friend, not her child) – which made me cringe internally but I’m sure his friend comes from a normal family and doesn’t have crazy in her genes. But when he started pushing that I somehow should sleep with her it squicked me out. And yet he kept pushing. And I kept getting snarkier.

It didn’t stem from jealousy, this reaction. At least, I don’t think it did. I think that if and when we do want to have a threesome, that it’s something we both do together. We both talk to the person, we both get to know them, we both interact and keep communications open across the board.  It’s really important to me to be kept in the loop. It makes me feel included and desired as opposed to feeling like the bit of meat on the side that’s added as an afterthought because it might be fun. And I realise this kind of thinking is silly and totally not how Cern means for it all to come across, however my own relationship history has warped me a bit in regards to a lot of things and it’s a process of me working through them all to unravel and retrain myself to think differently – or at least feel differently.

And my knee jerk reaction to having women I don’t know, I’ve never talked to or know anything about thrown at me like meat on a stick is that I feel cheap – and it reminds me of how my ex used to parade and flirt in front of me with other women in a way to elicit a negative reaction after we had the conversation of having a closed relationship as opposed to an open one because he didn’t want to share me. It brings up feelings of inadequacy and insecurity of self – and I don’t like being there at all.

Maybe this comes with age into a relationship; the knowledge and trust in your partner finding someone suitable without your input… but right now, I don’t really have that and it just makes me not want to play, in fact it tempts me to pack up my toys and go home.

I mentioned that I wanted a threesome for my birthday – which we still haven’t gotten around to, but with life being so freaking busy I figure it will happen. It’s just a matter of when and not something I really want to rush anyway.

But coming back to my profile on OKC – how does one write a profile to say that I am not looking for the love of my life? I think I’ve already found him. I’m not saying I’m in an open relationship because I think there’s someone better out there for me. I’m not on OKC because my partner doesn’t satisfy me in bed or in life. I’m not on there because I somehow think he’s lacking and I need someone else to make up the difference.

I’m there because, I know, no matter how much you say it’s not true, all relationships hit a plateau – and being able to have the option of something outside what you have built doesn’t diminish what you have at home, it makes you appreciate it more.

That the thought of needles and me poking them into someone else makes Cern turn this funny shade of green. He doesn’t quite grasp my love of finger painting in someone’s blood or that I find the entire thing really tribalistic – ritualistic even. Someone is giving me access to the very thing that keeps them alive – that runs in their veins and lights up their eyes. Blood play is intoxicating on many a level. But there’s certain kinks of mine that he is totally not into – and that’s ok. He doesn’t have to be. But being in an open relationship gives me the option of exploring those other kinks with other people. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to get into their pants. If anything it’s more about the intimacy of play and sharing something different. There’s so much to life apart from just sex and you can find intimacy in a wide variety of things, especially in the kink world.

Unfortunately I don’t quite know how to explain that to people who don’t understand alternative lifestyles – they just don’t get “it”.

And so I wonder, how does one put all this into a profile and make it clear that “open relationship” doesn’t mean this is a pissing competition and you get to “win” me from Cern. It’s a sharing of aspects of ourselves with the knowledge and consent of our partners – and the security of knowing that no matter what, they will love you and be there for you to come home to.

23

The beginnings of something different – Part 2

Thanks for not riding my sick arse about updating this thing you lot. I’m still feeling rather ill, but as long as I don’t talk or swallow my throat feels fine!

Back to the story though, Part 1 ended with me watching Cern’s cute arse walk into my bedroom down the hallway…

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No seriously, I’m not a butt kinda gal, but I do love to appreciate a nice arse. They make me want to reach out and touch them. Which I do often if there’s one wiggling in front of me, beside me or anywhere in hand-span vicinity.

Er, getting away from nice arses on men and moving on with the story… I’m so easily distracted, I’m going to blame the horny.

So we walk into my bedroom and he throws his things down, I am still in my bikini from the beach we just drove back from and am covered in salt and feel about as good. I tell him that I honestly really need a shower ASAP before anything and before I could finish my sentence he grabs me, apologised for making the wrong decision and pulls me in for a kiss. Now, to get one thing straight, this man’s kisses make my brain fall out. Every.Single.Time. It’s like that voice he uses in my ear to whisper naughty things, actually let’s revise the whole thing, it’s like he has a direct line to my horny button and pushes it repeatedly like an impatient child waiting for a lift at which point my body sparks out and he’s now controlling my puppet strings while my mind screams “What the fuck is happening?!”. Damn you traitorous body.

Uh, so we kiss, my legs give out at the ferocity of him devouring me and he catches me without fail. I’m pretty sure when he pulled away my eyes may have been glazed over.

He apologised again for making the wrong call the night before and not being with me instead. I wanted to say a lot of things, but these things wouldn’t have been conducive to the discussion. So I said the truth. I was and still am disappointed that I didn’t get to see in the new year with him. Logically I understand why, emotionally it’s still raw.  He sat down on my bed and proceeded to explain what he was thinking and why. What revelations had come to him during his drive away from my house the evening before.

In the short amount of time we’ve known each other, as much as I let him past my walls and into some of the deepest parts of myself, he said I’d somehow wormed my way past his defences. I apologised for wiggling in, I don’t like going places I’m not welcome after all, he shushed me and told me that I’m being a dill. Who knew? As he was talking I drifted closer and closer to him as he sat propped up against my bed-head with his legs out. And somehow I ended up straddling him as we talked.

He looked pained as he was talking and being a bleeding heart I needed to touch him, stroke him, feel him to let him know I’m ok and he’s ok.

We discussed a lot of things that evening. But the basics that we reached agreement on was that we wanted each other in our lives. That we were starting to get emotionally invested and that we were both ok with this. He mentioned that he was going to start pulling away from his other commitments that he had some emotional investment in as he didn’t see any future with either of them. I felt bad that I seemed to be the catalyst to ending his dalliances with others and told him so, he negated my fears by telling me that it wasn’t me that was making this choice for him, that it was his choice to make. And he has a point, this was his decision. He said he eventually wanted to focus on us and to be honest, my heart sort of sang at that.  What I got from all our talk is that he doesn’t want to lose me and he felt that he was or he was going to if things kept going the way they were. Smart boy.

We didn’t talk about being exclusive – so other’s are still involved just not on a deep and meaningful level. More-so for him than me at this point. If only because I’m honestly just not interested in a lot of people. It takes a special something to make me sit up and take note. And those don’t happen every day. Does it bother me? Sometimes yes, other times no. Some days I wonder why he wants to be with me when there’s younger better models out there… and some days I wonder if I’m not enough but then remember that no one is ever everything to anyone. I know this better than anyone, I’ve experienced it, I’ve lived it and breathed it. So it’s a jumble of emotions that I work through daily and sometimes I win the battle, other days I don’t win that much.

I guess for me it meant that I needed to re-evaluate where I stood with him. He asked me what I wanted and I may have looked like a dear startled in the headlights at him. What do I want?

Obviously I couldn’t say world peace, although to be fair the thought did go through my mind. Instead I asked him if I could have a rain check because I need to think about everything we’ve talked about and how this changes what I thought was going to happen.

As we touched, kissed, talked and kissed some more I started to taste the salty goodness that reminded me I needed to shower. I apologised for salting at him and climbed off so I could get naked and wet. He joined me. We continued talking underwater too.

The more we talked the more I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I guess subconsciously I let the flood gates open. We were going on this ride damn it.

And here we stand. Him and me.

Where does it all go? We don’t know yet. All we know and have agreed to is that we mean something to each other and that is what matters. That we keep that going and keep each other a priority even if we shag anyone else.

We may have spent the rest of the having some pretty spectacular sex. However I don’t think we’ve not had spectacular sex before. Either way, it was awesome.

So here we go… grab a cuppa, a blankie and tuck in. We’re going on a ride!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Don’t forget to send me any Kinky Q & A questions you may have at spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page! No question is too silly and if you want to remain anonymous just let me know.

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Connections, people, hello world Amanda Palmer style!

I saw this talk by Amanda Palmer on TED the other day and it brought me to tears.

Why? Well because she reaches out to people. She believes in the humanity of others and puts out so much positivity that I think it comes back to her tenfold. The art of asking, from are you ok to does anyone have a place for me to stay. She’s inspiring.

And I am procrastinating about my exam tomorrow.

So have a look at what she says, let it sit with you and don’t forget your tissues.

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Sex: The awkward spreadsheets

Here I was reading my paper and enjoying my soup when I came across this article – it’s about a spreadsheet that a husband made of all the times his wife said no to sex with the excuses written next to them.

Which got me thinking.

If this was me I’d be mortified and really pissed off, but then on the other hand I’m not known for saying no for the right people.

What it makes me wonder is why he would make a spreadsheet in the first place?

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The ultimate question: Will you be my everything?

I don’t know about you guys, but being someone’s everything is a lot of pressure that I refuse to take responsibility for.

You see, I don’t believe you can be everything to another person.

We all have our different things that keep us going. We like different things, we read different things, we share certain areas of our lives with people and we delight in learning about things that we never experienced before.

At least I do.

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