2

Mothering. The joys of living with a 70+ year old. And escaping to another state.

Remember when I thought it was a good idea to move back home to help mum out and also save myself some money?

Next time I think of anything remotely interesting like this and being a good Samaritan, someone please slap me back to earth.

Apart from that it’s been a pretty full on 7 months. Cern is living in my mum’s granny flat out the back and spending lots of time between my bedroom and his bedroom. Bless him, he hasn’t unpacked a box yet so there are tunnels from his bedroom to the kitchen & bathroom. At this rate I may need to start nagging him to hurry up so that at least we have a space to escape to that mum isn’t likely to follow.

Cern and I are still going strong. We went on a road trip to Melbourne and surrounds just over a week ago for a week together. He did most of the driving and I did most of the sleeping. There was a reason for all my sleeping, but that’s for another post.

The drive down we ended up doing a bit late because we got distracted at the EB Games Expo, we were meant to be there for a few hours and leave, but ended up staying the whole day.

So on the drive down we stayed at some place. Somewhere. Inland. The sun was out, I was howling with some songs on the radio and Cern hadn’t thrown me out of the moving car yet, I figured we were good.

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We stayed with my other state Wifey and we road tested that her creaky bed does not, in fact, collapse if you fuck on it even after she said to stick to the middle of the bed. We drove around, went sex toy shopping to the local warehouse full of adult things. It was rather boring, believe it or not. I think we go into them more these days because of the novelty of it. Honestly, half the clothes there wouldn’t even fit my nipple in it, let alone my boob. The sex toys weren’t that interesting, I think Cern may have ruined me with Bad Dragon toys. Honestly. We found a jerky house, I kid you not, an actual shop that just sells jerky! Cern had a jerky-gasm.

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Back to the point though. I took lots of pictures, we went dinosaur fossil hunting – which involved me wildly bashing rocks with my geopick while Cern carefully smashed some rocks to look inside a lot. I found the pulverizing cleansing. He got upset at me because a rock I was holding with a fossil dissolved in my hand in the wind. I swear it was an accident. So we had to find him another one lest I die of misplaced wind guilt.

The view along the Great Ocean Road was very pretty though. Here’s some peektures for you all.

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We saw a lot of koala’s running around on the ground. Well. Running is an overstatement. They kind of do this barreling weird walk thing. However they are cute. I don’t care how many I thought were morphing into drop bears at night with their calling out for females to hump and the fact that I nearly crawled up Cern during our night-time wander around the camp yard to find the wifi since we were in the middle of nowhere and had no reception for anything.

The things I learnt about my relationship with Cern after being in a car with him for a week?

  1. He thinks my weird peculiarities are amusing
  2. He doesn’t mind that I sing as badly as nails going down a chalkboard
  3. He lets me sleep and does most of the driving without holding it against me
  4. He says I shrink his car whenever he tries to get back into the driver’s side after I’ve driven because I’m so small and have to move the seat up so far
  5. He’s a funny lil/big shit that makes me laugh a lot
  6. He doesn’t mind stopping when I squee at things and letting me get out of the car to take peektures to show friends on facebook, sometimes even reversing said car back up the road
  7. He laughs at my moody phases
  8. Being near him has a calming effect on me when he’s not hurting me to listen to me giggle or inappropriately groping me in public so I say “sweetie” in a high-pitched WTF did you do man kinda voice
  9. He drives like a mad man when I point out that he’s giving me a heart attack
  10. I love him and thank the stars that he’s hung around for this long

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2

Moved in, yet waiting to move in…

You know that limbo land you inhabit when most of your shit is still in boxes? I’m in that land.

My mother’s house is littered in my boxes and clothes and general shit. From cat carriers to take sick kitty to the vet to washed clothes to folded dry clothes but no draws to put them in.

My life feels like I may have moved locations, but I’m yet to move in so to speak… Cern has been lovely and helpful and keeping my sick cat company. But we’ve now gotten him a job (YAY YOU SEXY PANTS!) and from today my kitty will be all alone in the house. I envision coming home to all the photo’s mum has littered around the house face down on the floor because when I’m home he knows he isn’t allowed up on the benches. But it’s fair game when I leave him alone. I swear he would be knocking them down one at a time in the hopes that I’ll come barrelling from one end of the house squealing at him to stop being such a cuntycat.

The vet said this week will be the week that we need to keep a close eye on him because if he’s going to regress, it will be this week as his antibiotics wear off. He tried to kill me this morning as I tried to navigate to the bathroom through the box maze to pee before I peed myself because I was busting so hard so obviously he’s feeling fine today. I didn’t even stumble my steps as he latched himself around my naked thigh and howled at me to feed him.

So if it’s not my cat chasing me around the house it’s Cern. I’ve been sick, he was adamant that I needed to let him spray some gunk into the back of my throat. Now to be clear, the gunk he wanted to spray was medication. But I’ve had that medication before and it might send my throat numb and help with the pain, but it was like spraying the back of your throat with what I can only imagine a week old cum smells and tastes like. Which is fine for most people, but I’m a special case. It makes me throw up. So here I was getting naked to have a shower when he picks up said week-old-cum-in-a-spray-bottle and proceeds to chase me around the house with it while I squeal begging to not. He finally cornered me in the shower, I thought I would be safe in there. Obviously I was wrong.

We finally came to a compromise. He made me gargle (hahaha gargle, I drown when I gargle! He rolled his eyes at me when he realised that I was drowning trying to gargle the green liquid – I’m sure I would have been fine if it had been tequila instead…) this other green stuff that made my tongue and mouth go numb instead and I was pretty sure as I was trying to yell at him in the shower I was drooling and my tongue was flapping around without any control.

Suffice to say that I’m suckful when I’m sick. I get sooky and mopey and just a downright little shit to be around. Cern can attest to this.

Good news is that I finally found a bed that I want and it’s being built as we speak from real Australian woods and delivered to me in the next few weeks. At which point I can start moving into the bedroom! Hurrah! Did I mention that the Australian made and run company that sells Australian wooden furniture was cheaper than Ikea? Damn straight. So being that I am me, I wrote on the Ikea Australia facebook page about how disappoint I was with their offerings. They’ve been ignoring me. Figures.

So if you’re in the area and looking for awesome Australian furniture, then go to King Style on King Street in Newtown. It’s near the St Peters end of King St and I promise you won’t be disappoint. Like I was. In Ikea.

0

Open relationship doesn’t mean I’m looking for something better…

Moving is going… well. I have so much still to do and boxes to unpack that I’m exhausted just thinking about it. My cat is all but back to normal but he’s due back at the vets on Monday to have more blood tests and a clot in his neck biopsied. He’s climbing, biting and waking me up at 3am with a paw in my mouth while he perches on my tits staring down at me while I’m sleeping on my back.

This last week has seen an influx of inane emails on OKC for me though. Inane as in, not even worth my time replying kind. And it takes a lot for me not to reply because ultimately I’m too polite for my own good.

What I also realised is that I may need to re-write my profile. You see, it lists me as being in an open relationship. But for some reason men seem to view this as me looking for something better than Cern.

Which, let’s face it, is never going to happen.

So then it got me thinking. What does one put in said profile to say that they’ve met the love of their life and they aren’t in an open relationship because they aren’t getting fulfilled at home, quite the opposite to be honest. I’m getting fulfilled at home to the point that I’m not even looking anywhere else. If people write to me then great, I keep up conversation and keep in touch. But I’m no purposefully seeking or making dates. I’m not looking at profiles thinking “Oh yeah, I need to get this person into bed or I must meet this person for a coffee and shagging session”.

I love what I have with Cern. I honestly do. And at the moment it’s all so new and beautiful and I’m enjoying him so much that I don’t see the need nor the desire to stop my obsession just being focused on him. You know, the honeymoon period. I want to enjoy it for all it’s worth. And when we settle into a routine a year or so later, I may even purposefully seek for some different kinds of interactions. But that’s where I am at, he’s been going out on coffee dates and to be honest, I haven’t really cared that he has. Except when he baits me to the point that I lose my shit at him – he has this habit of pushing my buttons.

 

For example, he met a girl this week for a coffee. Which he enjoyed and that was great, I was happy he met someone he had a good time with. I’m all for him meeting new people – unfortunately she was named the same name as an ex-friend of mines child who went a bit crazy (the ex-friend, not her child) – which made me cringe internally but I’m sure his friend comes from a normal family and doesn’t have crazy in her genes. But when he started pushing that I somehow should sleep with her it squicked me out. And yet he kept pushing. And I kept getting snarkier.

It didn’t stem from jealousy, this reaction. At least, I don’t think it did. I think that if and when we do want to have a threesome, that it’s something we both do together. We both talk to the person, we both get to know them, we both interact and keep communications open across the board.  It’s really important to me to be kept in the loop. It makes me feel included and desired as opposed to feeling like the bit of meat on the side that’s added as an afterthought because it might be fun. And I realise this kind of thinking is silly and totally not how Cern means for it all to come across, however my own relationship history has warped me a bit in regards to a lot of things and it’s a process of me working through them all to unravel and retrain myself to think differently – or at least feel differently.

And my knee jerk reaction to having women I don’t know, I’ve never talked to or know anything about thrown at me like meat on a stick is that I feel cheap – and it reminds me of how my ex used to parade and flirt in front of me with other women in a way to elicit a negative reaction after we had the conversation of having a closed relationship as opposed to an open one because he didn’t want to share me. It brings up feelings of inadequacy and insecurity of self – and I don’t like being there at all.

Maybe this comes with age into a relationship; the knowledge and trust in your partner finding someone suitable without your input… but right now, I don’t really have that and it just makes me not want to play, in fact it tempts me to pack up my toys and go home.

I mentioned that I wanted a threesome for my birthday – which we still haven’t gotten around to, but with life being so freaking busy I figure it will happen. It’s just a matter of when and not something I really want to rush anyway.

But coming back to my profile on OKC – how does one write a profile to say that I am not looking for the love of my life? I think I’ve already found him. I’m not saying I’m in an open relationship because I think there’s someone better out there for me. I’m not on OKC because my partner doesn’t satisfy me in bed or in life. I’m not on there because I somehow think he’s lacking and I need someone else to make up the difference.

I’m there because, I know, no matter how much you say it’s not true, all relationships hit a plateau – and being able to have the option of something outside what you have built doesn’t diminish what you have at home, it makes you appreciate it more.

That the thought of needles and me poking them into someone else makes Cern turn this funny shade of green. He doesn’t quite grasp my love of finger painting in someone’s blood or that I find the entire thing really tribalistic – ritualistic even. Someone is giving me access to the very thing that keeps them alive – that runs in their veins and lights up their eyes. Blood play is intoxicating on many a level. But there’s certain kinks of mine that he is totally not into – and that’s ok. He doesn’t have to be. But being in an open relationship gives me the option of exploring those other kinks with other people. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to get into their pants. If anything it’s more about the intimacy of play and sharing something different. There’s so much to life apart from just sex and you can find intimacy in a wide variety of things, especially in the kink world.

Unfortunately I don’t quite know how to explain that to people who don’t understand alternative lifestyles – they just don’t get “it”.

And so I wonder, how does one put all this into a profile and make it clear that “open relationship” doesn’t mean this is a pissing competition and you get to “win” me from Cern. It’s a sharing of aspects of ourselves with the knowledge and consent of our partners – and the security of knowing that no matter what, they will love you and be there for you to come home to.

0

Insanity. Instability. And love.

This week was meant to be court week.

The week where we got to finally have our say and put the arsehole who raped my friend behind bars. Or at least deported out of the country.

But it’s been postponed. Again.

This weekend had been hard. It was emotionally tough. And poor Cern tried to break through to me on multiple occasions and I didn’t know how to let him in.

Except on Sunday night. The night before all hell was going to break loose. I couldn’t sleep. Even wrapped in his arms I felt restless. Adrift. Alone. I’d walled myself in and as much as I wanted to kick down the walls because I was suffocating I had no idea how to let myself out. I could hear him knocking. But it sounded like he was miles away.

Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Fear.

Fear is such a huge catalyst. The thought that both my friend and I have to go through this again in 3 months terrifies me. That I know it’s for the best and that it’s what he deserves doesn’t lessen the burden of fear. Fear for my friends sanity of having to relieve her rape again and again for 2 years. The fear that this fucking thing will never go away. The fear that she won’t cope and because I’m so emotionally retarded that I won’t be able to help her. Fear that we’d fail. Fear in knowing how often rape cases go to court and the outcomes. Fear that because it was his word against hers and that she’d had a few drinks that night it would mean it’s her fault. Fear that no matter what we said and how we told the truth, that he’d win.

Try as I might I couldn’t verbalise any of it. I couldn’t let it out. For the first time ever I turned from him in the hopes of being able to breathe instead of feeling like I was drowning. I wanted to be in his arms yet felt suffocated when I was. Not because of him, not because of us, but because I was breaking. And to top it off I felt like I was competing for his time with his phone – when I tried to turn over he shut down whatever he was doing and it just made me withdraw more. It felt like he was hiding things from me and that just puts me into a state where I just can’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It was disastrous and to be honest it makes me emotionally wall off even more.

I have a stupid habit of playing my cards close to my chest. It’s how I’ve always been, I’ve never really had anyone else to lean on. So when Cern keeps telling me that I have him I don’t know how to respond. Do I really? Does anyone ever really have anyone to depend on other than themselves? Every single time I’ve reached out my hand has been bitten off. I’m weary. Yet I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong one. Of keeping it together. I’m just bone weary tired.

So he put his phone down and tried to get me to talk. Repeatedly. The man has the patience of a saint. And for that I’m grateful. Because I was crying on the inside. I was flooding and drowning and I couldn’t talk to him even after he requested I did time and time again.

And then it happened as he touched my arm and moved closer to me. My walls cracked. And as he held me and rolled me on top of him I sobbed great big ugly heaving sobs, he rubbed my back, patted my hair, kissed my wet face and told me over and over again that he’s not letting me go. That I can lean on him and let it out. And I did. I flopped on top of him not caring a wit if I was crushing him and I cried until I felt like I couldn’t cry any more. Except there’s always more tears aren’t there? There are tears and there’s that ugly crying face, which thankfully he didn’t see much of because the room was dark.

And as I cried he explained to me why he loved me. Why I meant so much to him. How I’m now his family and that I don’t have to do things on my own any more. He told me how much his kids loved me and that I was an amazing person. Even as I sobbed that I didn’t want to be me any more, it was too hard. He held me closer as he whispered in my ear about how much I’ve changed & strengthened him and how much love I’ve given him – how he’s never had anyone else treat him like an equal before and how much that means to him. How much I mean to him. And the more he talked the more I cried.

Until he said something like “I told you that I’d make you cry tonight” and I started laughing. Needless to say that sitting up on top of him so I could try to get my snot and tears under control turned into him telling me to not do that because it was hot and he might not be able to control himself. Which then prompted me to move my hips as I felt him get harder under me. There’s something quite powerful about it. Knowing I was covered in snot and tears and yet he still found me arousing. How could I stop now? I continued to grind, wiggle and move against him before he had me on my back and was licking and sucking on my nipples as I asked him to stop. He looked at me confused to which I replied that I just wanted to feel him inside me. Bless him, he obliged.

And honestly? It was blissful. It was sweet, it was soft and it was hot. Especially the bit where I could actually feel him getting bigger towards the end. It’s intoxicating. And when he gets that big I can feel him come deep inside me and it makes me spontaneously orgasm with him. Chain reactions. I didn’t want to disengage from him in that moment. I could have stayed connected for a lifetime. And I felt centred again. I felt connected to him again and all the anxiety, the doubts, the fears receded. I felt all that he had said and more in those moments. I relaxed and I can’t even remember how or when I fell asleep. Only that I knew that sleep was restful being wrapped in him.

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He holds onto me so tightly.

So when we got word the day after that it was all postponed again, along with the anxiety and anguish that we have to go through all this again in 3 months came the calm knowledge that maybe next time won’t be as hard and that I’m honestly blessed with Cern. I’m still keeping him.

2

Shared things – like viruses, showers and other fun things.

I am dying. The man flu, or whatever you want to name it. I blame Cern. The last 2 times I’ve been sick it’s because he’s shared his germs with me.

Granted, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. It’s not like I’ve kept my hands or my mouth to myself when he’s feeling poorly. One day, one day I’m going to get him sick instead of him getting me sick.

We went to the doctor today who basically argued with me that I had to stay at home tomorrow when I wanted to go to work. He even wrote me a medical certificate to say that. So in order for me to go to work I have to get a letter from my Dr saying that I’m well enough to. And we all know he’s not going to give it to me. Cern sat there and gloated at me in the Dr’s surgery while I whinged that I should go to work and not rest at home.

He also mentioned that he thought the Dr was actually pretty good, for a medical centre one. And he is. A lot of Dr’s locally have picked up their game and that makes me happy. They actually talk to you about medications and concerns about various things and will give you a prescription for antibiotics but tell you to only use it if you feel that the sick isn’t clearing up after a week or so just to make sure you kill it before it gets worse.

Ultimately though. I figured out, while we waited a whole 5 minutes for the dr, that Cern listens to about the first 2 sentences that I utter then he focuses on coffee and where he can get some. So I have 2 sentences to say things before I lose him. Granted, with me being sick, he has about 2 words so I can’t really fault him on that. Since you know, he was the one that got me sick and he’s still not recovered. I fear we both may have the attention span of a goldfish combined.

Although because he’s been sick for the last week and been totally out of it, we haven’t been shagging. And we all know how much I love my shagging. A lot. So I was rabidly horny yesterday. And we were going to go at it last night because he was starting to feel better and well, I’m constantly horny and going for nearly a week without was making me a bit crazy. Then I got sick last night. I passed out next to Cern on the bed before he finished his sentence about me lying down for a bit. There went the sexy times. Obviously the sex gods were against us getting off. But I won.

I WON!

Totally jumped his bones this morning. I was sick as a dog but I didn’t care. My cunt wasn’t sick! My head may have felt like I had been hit repeatedly by a sledge-hammer. But the rest of me was up for it. And bloody hell. It was awesome. I may not have been able to breathe and felt that my head was going to explode at stages from the buildup of orgasms and the pain from my sinuses … but it was sooooooooo worth it. Sex cures everything. Well nearly. Since there was a wet spot on the bed that somehow I couldn’t avoid sleeping in… I offered him a shower instead.

What is it with men and stupidly hot hot showers? His showers burn me! They burn him but he thinks having third degree burns means you’re clean. I on the other hand, squeal and plaster myself against the wall in the hopes that his super hot water isn’t going to scald me. Although to be fair. he has his moments of holding me and then turning the water hot. Or cold. While I squeal and splutter under the running water. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has a partner that tries to freeze or fry them in the shower?

Granted all this is made up by the fact that I woke up at different points during the night to him patting my hair and murmuring if I needed anything. I tried to say no but I dare say all I said was snorreee as I passed out again. Being sick sucks.

19

Sex Toys: Bad Dragon

Cern, bless his cotton socks, has introduced me to things that I had no idea existed. I know I know, shocking right?!

Now for those of you like me who had no idea what Bad Dragon was until it was wedged between your legs as you squealed and back-peddled up the bed then you’ll be delighted to know that they are an adult sex toy shop. Which isn’t about normal sex toys. Oh no.

They have some pretty amazing items in there.

And that’s just some of the interesting implements that they stock.

I got lost looking at their website and it was only after Cern chased me up the bed with his torture device did it all start to perk my imagination a wee bit.

You see he has the bruiser and a sheath basilisk in large. We’ve had some fun with both. I mean, after I picked my jaw up from the floor and said that they wouldn’t fit because I’m too little. He proved me wrong. He likes proving me wrong. He gets this evil glint in his eye when he does and that cheeky “I’m right” grin on his face that makes me want to stomp my feet and rawr at him.

However back to the toys, oh the tooooooooooooys. So anyway. The first time he pulled out the bruiser my eyes watered and I may have climbed up the bed to try to get away. He slid the darn into his jeans and grabbed me to pull me back down again. And let’s just say that anytime he climbs above me and pins me down, I turn into a gooey mess is probably the best description I can think of. So he slowly edged the thing into me as I whimpered and thought “Oh sex gods, I’m dying” because it felt like I was being split in two. It was uncomfortable as it was different. He kept his eyes glued to mine the entire time. He stopped pushing that damn thing in. I silently thanked whichever god was listening and took a deep breath. Then he slowly moved out and in. He kept up a slow rhythm. And before long I may have panted and moaned. Raising my hips to meet his as he thrust. It still felt like I was being ripped in two. But it was a ripped in two I could happily get off on. And I did. Repeatedly. Until, that was he tried to push past the huge fuck off knot the damn thing has near the base of it. It’s the size of my fist. I measured. And my eyes may have bulged out. It felt like they did anyway. No matter how hard he pushed, that thing wasn’t going in and I started to climb up the bed again.

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The Bruiser

 

Cern thinks I can take it. I think I may die if I do. We’re at an impasse and I fear the day he takes it in his head to spend an afternoon between my legs making me take the entire thing.

Second on the list was the basilisk sheath. Now that thing was fun. We used it early in our relationship, just before I broke his penis.

It was uncomfortable too, but not to the point that I thought I was screaming (apparently I wasn’t) and wanting to die. This one was a lot more fun. I think it’s because of the added bonus of the tip of his penis peeking out the top so that he gets sensation from it as much as I do. There are ribs inside the sheath for his added pleasure too. He said it grips him and he can feel the thrusts through it. So not only does it have knobs on the outside, it has knobs on the inside!! Winning on both ends here.

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How did it feel? It felt like I was still being ripped in half, however there was no uncomfortableness. It was pleasant, yet felt like I was being stretched in a good way. There was no “oh gods no” there was just “oh. oh my gods, yes!!!” But like the bruiser it’s nice that he went slow at first. I don’t think you can rush these things, unless you have a buckload of lube on hand and don’t mind tearing something. And since Cern has a nice habit of tearing me without toys, I found it nice that he took it easy on me with them. Yes, I know, I’m keeping him.

So Bad Dragon? Why weird sex toys? Well you see, there’s a whole subset of people who get off on role-playing. This plays into so many different sub-sets and areas of sexuality because the toys are so wonderfully sci-fi, fantasy and amazingly fun that how could you not want to have a go? Granted, maybe try the smaller sizes first since the big ones scare me. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. In which case GO FOR IT. Then send me a video.

However, getting back on point. I think this plays really nicely into the being taken, stretched, used and having a lot of cum dumped in you fantasy really well. Especially since the bruiser and other toys come with the tube where you can use their goopy lube as cum to insert into the person you’re currently fucking with it. I don’t know about you but it seriously turns me on when I can feel my insides filled, on nights when I can actually feel Cern’s cock throbbing as he comes turns me on to the point where I have to masturbate afterwards furiously. He made a funny comment the other night saying that most guys would be upset if their partner felt the urge to masturbate after sex because they thought they weren’t doing a good enough job getting her off, but I’m masturbating because his orgasm turned me on more. He found it endlessly amusing. I got off fine during sex with him. I love sex with him on so many levels. But when I can feel him actually come deep inside me? And that pulse as he moans? Ohhh phwoar! It turns me on like nothing else. So yes, masturbating while I feel his come dripping out of me? Even hotter. 

So these toys can do that for you too. Considering they have those nifty tubes. Like the feeling of being filled? Then go for it. And yes, you still have to send me a video.

All in all though? I think these toys have a delightfully long list of uses. From fantasy role-playing, to using them as base sex toys, to using them as part of your regular sexual shenanigans. So many options… I can’t wait till we get some more goodies from them.

13

Lemonade can kiss my zest.

I’ve avoided writing anything deep and meaningful here for a while now. Mostly because the developments with Cern I sometimes like to hoard to myself for the warm fuzzies before I share with others. And the rest, well, mainly because I can’t pinpoint what’s making me feel so … distant? Isolated? Alone? Stressed? Anxious? Actually I’ve not really wanted to vent my insanity. You see, sometimes I even become irrational and crazy because of… well….

Actually there’s a lot of things contributing to it. And as per normal, it all happened around my birthday. Damn that day coming around every year and fucking my life up.

On Monday I received my subpoena to court for the end of March for the sexual and physical assault trial – and instantly, this has added a new slowness to my step. A barrage of feelings and most of all, the feeling of drowning is overwhelming. I try really hard not to think about it, for thinking about it means it’s real and it’s going to happen. Thinking about it makes my eyes leak and my heart hurt. Cern has offered his support, not only to me but my house-mate in any way we may need him that week. I appreciate it greatly, yet I don’t know how to let him help. How do people do it? I’ve been self-sufficient for so long that I don’t know how to not be even when I obviously am not coping.

My cat went missing the other night – the neighbour said she’d seen him sitting outside my bedroom window for a few days hoping I’d let him in. Except I hadn’t been home because I was at work and stayed that night at Cern’s place. Instead of keeping my shit together and looking for him like I usually do. I had a moment in my bathroom where I just broke down before putting my big girl panties on to stop crying. Cat eventually turned up, my anxiety levels stayed high though.

Add on top of that some financial strain and I’m suddenly a hot pot of flatness and I don’t know how to break myself from the spiral. I’m pretty sure I’m really not that much fun to be around at the moment and try as I might, I think that bleeds through and Cern isn’t quite sure what to do with me either.

He asked me what was wrong last night and all I could think of to say was that with the financial stress and the emotional stress and that I’ve been so used to taking care of others and always being the strong one who keeps her shit together that sometimes I don’t know how to let it all go. I honestly don’t. It’s like another leap of faith that I don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to make right now. The thought of making myself vulnerable, even more so than I already feel, is petrifying. I’m scared of what the court case is going to bring, I’m scared of what it’s going to mean for my friend, for me… It’s easier to put on a brave face and act like I’m not falling apart inside. Which I know isn’t fair. On him or me, but the alternative makes me want to run and hide in another galaxy where he can’t find me.

My actual birthday day was beautiful. One day that shone out of the week, it’s helped get me through. We spent a lot of time tangled in each other, touching, patting, fucking… interspersed with him kidnapping me and surprising me with pancakes for breakfast/lunch. I spent the night eating pizza with my house-mate as we hugged and offered each other emotional support and drank some cider. At least she knows she’s not alone. I’m not going anywhere and we’re getting through this together.

I think I might be an emotional basket case.

My feeling of self clarity and self realisations have gone out the window. Everything is murky, like someone’s wiped the windows with a dirty dish rag.

I feel that I haven’t been there enough for my sister who just had her second baby. I haven’t helped her enough. I feel that I’ve let her down in a way by not being there. I was there every other day when my niece was born and my sister came down with that horrible sickness. Granted she hasn’t been sick this time so is very able to look after my nephew on her own, but still. I haven’t done enough.

Cern mentioned that we should move in together. If I moved out to his place I’d need to buy a car. Or a motorbike to get to work and see my friends who all live in the Inner City and he lives way out in the cunt-tree. I get it’s closer to his kids and I wouldn’t want him to move to be further from them. This isn’t always about me and I get that, I’m ok with that. The fact that his kids come first is important, not only to him. But it leaves me with a huge question mark in regards to moving away from everything that’s close and familiar to somewhere that doesn’t have a cafe around the corner (sure the shopping mall is up the road, but it’s not the same as the cafe culture of my town)… It would take me an extra 30 minutes on a train to get to work on top of the hour it already takes. That’s 3 hours travelling a day without a car. It’s such a long way away from anything. I’ve never lived so far from the city and it causes me the same feeling that heart burn gives you.

4 months. I counted. We’ve known each other 4 months yet I feel like he’s never not been a part of my life and I can’t see him not being with me. Contradiction of epic proportions, right? Right. I freaked out. I freak out at big changes like moving in together so soon. Call me old-fashioned, or crazy, or whatever. But 3 months. When is the right time to have the talk about living together? What’s the appropriate time you should be together before cohabiting? I know my ex girlfriend and I pretty much moved in together after a few months and we had nearly 4 years of an awesome relationship. Does it really matter how soon you move in together? We are pretty much spending every night together and I can’t remember the last time I slept alone – so it’s not that different anyway? Yet I’m scared because I would be giving up my social circle, my friends living close by, the social life, the Newtown lifestyle… a quick walk to a cafe, a pub or various restaurants. Yet at the same time I want to move in with him, I want to throw caution to the wind and do it. On the other hand I wonder if it’s not too soon for his kids to see me as a permanent fixture, should they spend more time with their dad alone? I feel like I’m taking time away from them being together sometimes even though I know his kids actually do enjoy my company and I theirs. Then I think that I’m being silly. Sometimes I feel silly. And there’s the issue of moving into a place that he’s lived in for a long time. It’s moving into his territory instead of moving together into new territory and making it ours. Small things, insignificant things probably but things that make me pause and wonder if we shouldn’t wait. So I’ve asked him to give me time, we have to wait till his house-mate moves out so that there’s a spare room anyway and at that point we’ll re-evaluate.

I feel like I’m full of aches at the moment. So many aches. My heart aches. My brain aches. My emotions ache.  So this week, the week of my birth oh so many years ago. Is utter fail. FAIL. Deep and meaningful’s are such hard work.

On the plus side, since the Australian dollar has taken such a nose dive – I’ve been invited to spend a few weeks rolling around on sandy beaches and snorkelling in reefs with my Hellfire urban family in Samoa – as has Cern (the first ever partner that’s been invited to holiday with us in any sense as usually we’ve kept holidays to a tight-knit group). So this will be. At the end of July/August we’re going island hopping.

I may need to find a funny video to share to make this post seem less deary…

10

He chose me?

I’m sitting on a train back to civilisation from Cern’s place reading Amanda Palmer’s book “The Art of Asking” when I came across a paragraph that made me stop and look out the window in contemplation. Then it made me smile from the inside out.

So I’m going to share with you this paragraph. So you can smile and think of a time that you heard such sweet words.

This is after she’d asked him if he would help her add text to some of her photos for her compilation book to go with her album at the time. They we in seperate relationships with others and had kept in contact via emails checking in as friends do. They happened to be in New York together a few months later and he asked her to meet up for coffee. Her being her she fretted about a birthday gift so gave him The Bride. Which was her street busking gig she hadn’t worn in a long time. He was having lunch with his literary agent that day so they agreed to meet at 4pm at Washington Square Park in winter.

I stepped up on the box at ten minutes to four, figuring I wouldn’t have long to wait.

After twenty minutes, I started to shiver & kept wondering if I should give up, but I didn’t want to get down & ruin the surprise, & if already suffered too long to let it go. There was construction in the park. Maybe he couldn’t find me. A few people stopped to get a flower. After 30 minutes, my fingers went numb, then my hands went numb, then my legs and arms froze. After about an hour, he appeared, accompanied by a woman, and approached me cautiously.

… Amanda? Is that you?

The Bride stayed silent. I stared at him & cocked my head. This was weird. He had come with someone, and I felt like I was embarrassing him. I’d noticed he easily got really embarrassed.

He put a dollar in my hat & I gave him a flower. I tried to make eye contact with him, and he smiled goofing while the woman stepped back and laughed at our little exchange. I hopped down. I still felt like I was embarrassing him.

Well, er, Amanda, this is Merrilee, my literary agent! Merrilee, this is Amanda, you know, the…rock star lady. With the dead naked book…and all that. Merrilee smiled at me.

I pushed the veil out of my face, reached out numb, gloved fingers, and shook her hand.

Hi.

The uncomfortableness lasted a few more minutes before Neil and I walked off to a nearby cafe, where I told Neil I would buy him a birthday hot chocolate. I took off my wig and Neil helped me carry the 3 milk crates.

My god, you’re freezing, he said. Your teeth are chattering. He took off his overcoat and draped it over my shoulders.

I didn’t have any cash in my wallet, and the Cafe was cash only. But I had made eight dollars doing The Bride, and I insisted on buying his hot chocolate with those crumpled-up bills, which I fished out of the can I’d used to collect them. The bill for two hot chocolates came to eleven dollars. Fucking New York. Apologising, I hit Neil up for the rest of the money.
It’s ok, he said. What you did it out there was wonderful.
Ah thanks. Yeah sorry it got all fucked up. I should have planned the surprise better.
No, he said. It was perfect. I think it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, actually.
What? Really? I said.
Really. And I’ve decided something.
What’s that?
I’ve decided that I’m not going anywhere.
Sorry. What?
I’m not going anywhere, he repeated.
I don’t know what you mean, Neil.
I mean, he said, speaking more slowly, that I’m not. Going. Anywhere. Even if it takes years. I think I’ll stay right here.
Like…here at the corner table? I joked nervously. You mean you’re never going to leave the Cafe Gitane ever? That sounds very Neil Gaiman-y.
No, he said, plainly. I’ll leave this Cafe. But I won’t leave you. That’s what I mean. I’m not going anywhere.
Oh, I said. I see. I think

You see, Cern and I had a similar kind of talk this week. I was feeling pretty shit and expressed my feelings to him that I felt I didn’t have an option that made me feel ok with a decision and he sent me a voice message that conveyed something that may have taken this long to start to sink in. That he chooses me. Above anyone else.

I’ve not really had a guy choose me above anyone else before. Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long to sink in. I heard him but I never believed him. To believe him is taking a new found openness to him. It’s pushing some of my walls that I didn’t know I had erected. The ones where I heard people say things but didn’t believe they meant them, usually because they don’t and end up breaking my heart so I gave up hoping and believing a long time ago.

So maybe it’s time I let myself believe and hope. Scary. He is scary and still his arms are still the only place in the world I feel safe, wanted… home.

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So take time out soon, stare into someone eyes that means something to you and offer the silent questions.

Will you love me even if I’m broken? Can you see the real me? Hello.

Hello!

23

The beginnings of something different – Part 2

Thanks for not riding my sick arse about updating this thing you lot. I’m still feeling rather ill, but as long as I don’t talk or swallow my throat feels fine!

Back to the story though, Part 1 ended with me watching Cern’s cute arse walk into my bedroom down the hallway…

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No seriously, I’m not a butt kinda gal, but I do love to appreciate a nice arse. They make me want to reach out and touch them. Which I do often if there’s one wiggling in front of me, beside me or anywhere in hand-span vicinity.

Er, getting away from nice arses on men and moving on with the story… I’m so easily distracted, I’m going to blame the horny.

So we walk into my bedroom and he throws his things down, I am still in my bikini from the beach we just drove back from and am covered in salt and feel about as good. I tell him that I honestly really need a shower ASAP before anything and before I could finish my sentence he grabs me, apologised for making the wrong decision and pulls me in for a kiss. Now, to get one thing straight, this man’s kisses make my brain fall out. Every.Single.Time. It’s like that voice he uses in my ear to whisper naughty things, actually let’s revise the whole thing, it’s like he has a direct line to my horny button and pushes it repeatedly like an impatient child waiting for a lift at which point my body sparks out and he’s now controlling my puppet strings while my mind screams “What the fuck is happening?!”. Damn you traitorous body.

Uh, so we kiss, my legs give out at the ferocity of him devouring me and he catches me without fail. I’m pretty sure when he pulled away my eyes may have been glazed over.

He apologised again for making the wrong call the night before and not being with me instead. I wanted to say a lot of things, but these things wouldn’t have been conducive to the discussion. So I said the truth. I was and still am disappointed that I didn’t get to see in the new year with him. Logically I understand why, emotionally it’s still raw.  He sat down on my bed and proceeded to explain what he was thinking and why. What revelations had come to him during his drive away from my house the evening before.

In the short amount of time we’ve known each other, as much as I let him past my walls and into some of the deepest parts of myself, he said I’d somehow wormed my way past his defences. I apologised for wiggling in, I don’t like going places I’m not welcome after all, he shushed me and told me that I’m being a dill. Who knew? As he was talking I drifted closer and closer to him as he sat propped up against my bed-head with his legs out. And somehow I ended up straddling him as we talked.

He looked pained as he was talking and being a bleeding heart I needed to touch him, stroke him, feel him to let him know I’m ok and he’s ok.

We discussed a lot of things that evening. But the basics that we reached agreement on was that we wanted each other in our lives. That we were starting to get emotionally invested and that we were both ok with this. He mentioned that he was going to start pulling away from his other commitments that he had some emotional investment in as he didn’t see any future with either of them. I felt bad that I seemed to be the catalyst to ending his dalliances with others and told him so, he negated my fears by telling me that it wasn’t me that was making this choice for him, that it was his choice to make. And he has a point, this was his decision. He said he eventually wanted to focus on us and to be honest, my heart sort of sang at that.  What I got from all our talk is that he doesn’t want to lose me and he felt that he was or he was going to if things kept going the way they were. Smart boy.

We didn’t talk about being exclusive – so other’s are still involved just not on a deep and meaningful level. More-so for him than me at this point. If only because I’m honestly just not interested in a lot of people. It takes a special something to make me sit up and take note. And those don’t happen every day. Does it bother me? Sometimes yes, other times no. Some days I wonder why he wants to be with me when there’s younger better models out there… and some days I wonder if I’m not enough but then remember that no one is ever everything to anyone. I know this better than anyone, I’ve experienced it, I’ve lived it and breathed it. So it’s a jumble of emotions that I work through daily and sometimes I win the battle, other days I don’t win that much.

I guess for me it meant that I needed to re-evaluate where I stood with him. He asked me what I wanted and I may have looked like a dear startled in the headlights at him. What do I want?

Obviously I couldn’t say world peace, although to be fair the thought did go through my mind. Instead I asked him if I could have a rain check because I need to think about everything we’ve talked about and how this changes what I thought was going to happen.

As we touched, kissed, talked and kissed some more I started to taste the salty goodness that reminded me I needed to shower. I apologised for salting at him and climbed off so I could get naked and wet. He joined me. We continued talking underwater too.

The more we talked the more I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I guess subconsciously I let the flood gates open. We were going on this ride damn it.

And here we stand. Him and me.

Where does it all go? We don’t know yet. All we know and have agreed to is that we mean something to each other and that is what matters. That we keep that going and keep each other a priority even if we shag anyone else.

We may have spent the rest of the having some pretty spectacular sex. However I don’t think we’ve not had spectacular sex before. Either way, it was awesome.

So here we go… grab a cuppa, a blankie and tuck in. We’re going on a ride!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Don’t forget to send me any Kinky Q & A questions you may have at spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page! No question is too silly and if you want to remain anonymous just let me know.

23

Bloggy visitors and the beginning of something different…

I know this update has been long overdue. Y’all can spank me later.

I’ve been really slack, however my 2 week holiday I was taking off to show Johnny around my hometown turned into a whirlwind coming together of me and Cern in the merriest of ways and I felt horrible but it also meant that I spent more time with Cern that at home or anywhere else.

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However it was nearly a week after Johnny landed that I reached my limit of not seeing Cern and decided I needed my hands on him, my face in his chest and to be able to breathe him in. Plus, I was horny. That always helps.

We’d been texting each other a bit in that time anyway, so when he said Tuesday I said yes. There was no other answer to that question. He wanted to cook us his amazing spaghetti bolognaise. He seemed to think I was going to fall to his feet and offer him my eternal gratitude and declare him my food god. And to be fair, he makes a decent spag bol. It was tasty. I still think mine’s better – but as I said to him last night, my spag bol is never the same. I am always adding all kinds of things to it to see what works – especially spicy things.

So while Cern was cooking, him and Johnny were chatting about various things and I was salivating because I was starving and admiring how Cern looked rape-able standing in our suspension frame in the living room. That man has a way of derailing even the best thoughts I have. This night, however, was a night that marked us spending rather a long time in each other’s company.

The next night we both had dates in the City, so we helped each other get ready. It was so comfortable, sure it felt a bit weird when I thought about how we were getting each other ready for a date with someone else, but at the same time, it felt like it was something we’d been doing forever and it was ok. I’m not sure how to describe this feeling. When we kissed each other goodbye on the way out of the door and said “Hope you have a good night” – We meant it. I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his date. On his way back to me from his date however I got a message saying that he felt like shit and I started to fret. He didn’t feel 100% going on the date and I thought he should postpone but he was adamant that he go. I wasn’t going to stop him, he’s a big boy and can make those decisions. I wanted him to call me if he felt that he couldn’t drive to me and I’d get a cab to him to drive him home.

He got sicker the next day so I nursed him for a few nights in my bed. We then moved from my house to his house and I stayed with him for 4 days. I met his kids – who are totally adorable. My niece still wins in the ultimate cute stakes though, but I’ll say his come a close second. Christmas was a bit of a write off, he was still pretty sick so we spent the night doing what two geeks together do best, we set up his living room so that we had a gaming centre and played Diablo 3’s expansion together. We spent our nights curled up sleeping, or if he was feeling up for it we’d fuck. I wanted to make sure he didn’t kill himself in the process, sexing isn’t as important as him getting better but being that I am me, there’s no way I was going to say no to him ripping my knickers off and taking advantage of me.

He returned me home the night before new years eve.

Considering that I’d put out a blanket invite to all my friends to come over with their own food and their own drinks and join us in seeing in the new year I had no idea who was going to show and who wasn’t and thankfully we had a small gathering of my urban family. I couldn’t have asked for better company.

Except I didn’t have Cern.

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He dropped by on Tuesday so we spent some time together before NYE – he said that he had decided to spend the night with his other girl that he was dating. Apparently she was going to be on her own otherwise and he wasn’t up for a big night.

I thought I would be ok with this, I mean I just spent nearly over a week with the guy and we were only meant to be FWB right? Right. A break would be good for us.

But no matter how I rationalised it, my heart wasn’t having a bar of it.

Logically, it made sense. Totally.

Emotionally? Well. Emotionally it felt like I wasn’t important enough to see in the new year with. And no matter how I knew we’d just overdosed on each other for a week, that for this one night, I’d have preferred to spend it with him and would have forgone everyone else.

When he sent me a message saying that he felt wrong, my first thought was he was sick again and I needed to go get him. When he explained that he felt wrong driving away from my house, the penny dropped. He said some things clarified for him during that drive, he wanted to talk to me about it in the new year. My heart dropped, it sounded ominous, until he assured me that it definitely wasn’t. But him feeling wrong about not being with me didn’t change my current situation. That I wasn’t with him and that’s where I would have rather have been. Being that I’m not one to tell someone how to live their lives I told him he made his choice where he was spending the night and that I was disappointed but I wasn’t going to make him feel guilty for not being with me. It’s not the way I roll. I hold my hurt and roll with it. Such is life right? Tomorrow would be a new day.

Epiphany nights? Oh yes, welcome NYE for me. I learnt something that night and as I said to him in the text message, I didn’t want to talk about it because it was making me sad. And NYE shouldn’t be sad, it should be fun. I wanted to enjoy my friends company. Little did I know that he had taken up a whole chunk of real estate in my brain and I couldn’t dislodge him, no matter what I talked about, or what we watched or what I drank.

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I learnt that somehow, even though I hadn’t wanted to, my heart-strings had sneakily attached themselves to this man I’d met. Not only had he snuck under my defences sexually. He’d done it emotionally too. But what do I do with this new information?

I spent a lot of time on NYE pretending to watch movies and thinking. I thought about how my last boyfriend had been with me, but he hadn’t been with me. He was there physically, but mentally, emotionally… he was vacant. I may as well have slept with a friend when it came to him. He was sexually uninterested. He was emotionally unavailable. I took stock of my current situation and I saw parallels that scared me.

As a FWB, the fact that Cern spent a lot of time talking to all his other women while we were together didn’t bother me, nor should it have. I had no emotional connection to him. Nor he to me. But with the added fact that I wasn’t spending NYE with him came the realisation that he didn’t have time for me. But that I also wanted him to have time for me. I couldn’t ask this of him. How could I? We were FWB. That would be changing things. He stated time and time again that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. And I thought I wasn’t either, yet this man pulled at me and made me want something I wasn’t ready to want. So what could I do? Where did this leave me? Us?

I didn’t sleep after midnight on NYE. In fact I was awake until 6am. I watched the sun rise. I laid in bed, tossing. Turning. Crying. Sighing. Kicking myself mentally but deciding that I can’t keep doing this. These are the patterns that I’m trying to break. I made a decision in those wee hours, with a hangover that would have killed anyone else and a headache from crying that would have toppled a better person. My decision? I would walk away from Cern.

I finally fell asleep about 7 am. But I was up again about 10.30 am as we were going with my urban family for a drive to a beach down south that was meant to have water clearer than any tropical island.

Having made a decision I actually enjoyed the time with my urban family at the beach, even if it was with a heavy heart, I knew I’d made the right decision. It’s easier walking away from something at the beginning than it is part way through it when you’re more emotionally involved. The water was indeed pristine. We got scared out of the water by sharks 4 times. But we used the boys as shark bait and made them swim at least 5 meters in front of us. Thanks Johnny!

On our drive back I got a text message from Cern.

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He needed to see me. I asked him when, he said that night. I got a bit confused, aren’t you staying with your other friend tonight too? I thought you were? He said no, he was leaving there to see me. He needed to see me. The urgency of his text messages caught me. Ok I said. We’re driving home now. It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive back to Sydney from Jervis Bay. We’ll be home about 7 – 7.30 depending on traffic.

I got a message from him saying he was at my place at 7 pm. I said we’re still on the road and that we’ll be there soon. We got home about 7.30 pm that night. As Johnny and I rounded the corner of my apartment I saw him sitting on the floor outside the door of my apartment with his laptop propped in his lap. The image made me smile genuinely for the first time in the last 24 hours.

He looked frazzled. Sitting there like that. And the knowledge that my insides were happy at seeing him didn’t pass me without me noticing. But I was more curious about what he wanted to talk to me about and why the urgency in needing to see me when he had established plans with someone else.

So I helped him inside the apartment…

Watch this space for part 2.

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Also don’t forget that I’m doing Kinky Q & A again now guys! I’ll missing this week but will post up questions next week. So feel free to email me : spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page up the top!