Sex and vulnerability – missing pieces.

I’ve had some interesting conversations of late with someone whose input I’ve come to love for the differences in our perspectives and the way we approach things. Some experience, some insight and a different perspective have brought into clarification something that I had been missing.

The new FWB, he needs a name. Let’s call him Cernunnos after the horned god.

During our very long and very very extensive coupling a few days ago I’ve gone over and replaying a lot of things that happened. Which is a good thing, a lot of what happened was fantastic and wonderful and joyful and orgasmic in so many many ways.

But during all this, Cernunnos decided that during our last love-making of the night, he would rock me steady and sure with long slow strokes. As he did this, with my head buried in his neck and shoulder and his head buried in my neck was that for every orgasm I had in this position, I felt a layer peel off me exposing something I haven’t purposefully exposed before. For every roll of our hips I felt a bit of my armour shatter and crumble. Somehow this great big beast of a man was exposing parts of myself I wasn’t aware that I hadn’t been exposing before. If he’d kept going I was pretty sure I’d have cried. And this, from the woman who used to scoff at all those women in films that cried during sex because it was so emotional.

Something clicked in that moment. I was grateful we didn’t keep that pace up and going for longer than we did. I wasn’t and still am not sure I’m ready to face that kind of vulnerability with just a FWB.

But what does this all mean? 

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Do I have to? Realisations in dating

For a long time I’ve wondered why I’ve thrown up walls and excuses for men and women that message me who seem suitable to date.

The other night I had an epiphany from talking a lot with another blogger friend in email has helped me come to some realisations myself.

I’m not ready to date.

I’m not ready to even contemplate anything romantic or heart warming. I’m still in a pretty horrible place mentally, I don’t have the energy to pursue anything because believe me I think there’s some that might be a lot of fun if I did pursue, but I can’t seem to. I think this relates back to the post I wrote about mental health and my health. The fact that after my ex broke up with earlier this year I’ve fallen into a downward spiral of distancing myself from a lot of my friends because that’s what depression does. I’ve isolated myself and I’m clawing my way back out slowly, but this will take time.

So instead of pushing myself to date, I put the brakes on it. It’s not fair on anyone I date. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to wholly commit coupled with the fact that I don’t plan on staying in Australia for more than another 4 years means dating and committing to someone is out of the question.

Because that decision is actually fair on me and it’s fair on a person that I might meet who wants more.

What I did at this point was change my profile to say I’m looking for a FWB arrangement, hence my previous post, to indicate that I would be open to men & women approaching me in regards to this type of arrangement. I was hoping that it would open the world up to those guys & gals that are in relationships so they don’t need me to invest but are happy to see me once or twice a week and be friends outside of that.

What’s wrong with this picture you say?

Well here’s the thing. Usually I am very free in my love and loving. Where, who and what the person in question has done previously wouldn’t be an issue. So this has then made me question why, after years and years of free loving with friends, with acquaintances and with relative strangers have I now made the jump to feeling a bit grossed out by the share factor.

This isn’t the share factor with anyone else on a greater scale – with this I still have no issue, this is the share factor within the Sydney Kink Community.

What’s changed that’s made me not want to explore people sexually that have gotten around a bit? Partly it’s to do with 60% of the Sydney Kink Community I think is full of twatburgers. People and their twue wayisms that are blind to anything outside of how they think this lifestyle should be led. People who think that because you don’t do things their way that your kink is somehow less than what they do. People who are brash, sexist, misogynistic and downright assholes.

I’ve dabbled in this lifestyle and within the community for well over 10 years. I’ve given most of those years performing at Hellfire on stage with my kinky family. The other years I did performances at Inquisition, at various kink nights, at Penrith Panthers once too. I’ve been to Darwin to perform at their Sexxxpo. We’ve been to New Zealand to perform at their annual Kink even in Christchurch. We’ve been to Melbourne to perform at the re-opening of Hellfire Melbourne. I’ve been with people who are long gone that I’ve seen again and haven’t seen again. I used to be part of a house where we opened it up once a month and had people over who used our dungeon, our furniture, our space to drink, eat, make merry… I’ve witnessed kinky marriages, court cases and hate rampages. I’ve had stalkers, falling out with friends, and my own many mistakes over the years.

How did I get to where I am now? How have I changed? Why did I change?

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Endings and new beginnings

So Loki and I called it quits yesterday.

I’m somehow not heartbroken over this. Maybe I knew it just wasn’t going to work deep down. I’m not sure, but all I can say is that I’m actually feeling positive.

He’s a lovely guy and I hope that he really finds the girl who is going to be able to work with him and give him what he wants. Obviously I couldn’t and to an extent I wasn’t really ready to give up my life, my loves and my kink to retreat into the mountains and live a solitary life. I think he came to the same conclusion. At least I hope he did because if anything, I was pretty clear that I wasn’t sure if I could do something like that. Not that I wouldn’t give it a go but I have no idea how long I could have lasted without social interaction on a grander scale.

I’d love a house somewhere on a huge acreage. I also want a basement that’s been reverted into a dungeon which is full of wickedly kinky shit. I want a hot tub on the deck so I can run out there naked while it’s snowing and lounge in said hot tub ala the Norwegians. Or is it the Swiss? Look, one of those cold countries…and sit out there with my margarita and toast the snow.

Winter is coming, you know.

But I also want an abode in a city, close to people, music, culture… things. I’m a city girl at heart. I was born in a huge city. I have no idea how well I’d do in a town of less than 500,000.

I love travelling, I’d have had to given that up for a while and the thought of it was breaking my spirit. Even if it’s not travelling out of the country I still want to be able to travel within the country. But that wouldn’t have been an option either. And what about travelling back home to see my family? That wouldn’t have been on the table for him… To not be able to show my partner my home, my crazy family, my land and the beauty here was hard to think about.

Then there was the distance and sexual tension. He didn’t want to budge because he found the entire thing uncomfortable and I refused to give in because I wasn’t getting anything out of it and it never went anywhere. And that’s the point that I started to pull away. I did a lot that made me uncomfortable too. There’s only so much giving I’ll do before I give up and shut shop.

There were too many cons and not enough pro’s.

Granted I’ve never really been broken up with over text message before. Well, there’s a first for everything no?

So good luck, it was nice to have known you and thank you for the laughs.


Love letters to those loves past…

This was a thing that went around a while ago. And I did it because it’s cathartic.

Here’s to all my relationships that meant something to me.

Dear S,

You were my first kiss, my first foray into the beauty and wonder that is the female form. How can I ever say enough thank you’s? We might have grown over the years together, but those firsts are something I’ll always hold dear. Even to this day, one of my favourite things is kissing a woman. The softness undoes me.

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