4

Dreams, reality or somewhere in betwixt…

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I still haven’t resolved my feelings about letting my partner impregnate his friend – I think. Some days my answer is yes. Some days it is still no. We are waiting to find a relationship counsellor that suits us both as yet. I’ve left it to him to pursue and get back to me as the counsellor that I put forward can’t see us.

In amongst this time I decided I wanted to change forms of contraception because the pill, after taking it for 20 odd years, was getting tiresome and the effects it had on my body were getting even worse. Yes it might ease my pain during periods but at the same time it took away my sexual urges, it increased my weight and trying to remember to take something every day was getting irksome. So I stopped and talked to my GP about other methods that were available to us as obviously Cern and I are totally not at a point in our relationship where we want more little Cern’s running around. The GP pushed for implanon, I advised that I wanted to go the route of less hormones – she advised that with PCOS that wasn’t such a great idea. I told her that I don’t care, I’m tired of fake hormones fucking with my body. I need to deal with my pain and find other ways around it. I need her to find me a way that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I walked out the Drs surgery with a prescription for implanon and not much else. I wanted an IUD as it was probably the easiest option in regards to insertion and then forgetting about it but she kept saying that it wasn’t the best option for me. I figured I would try to get a referral to a Gyno from another Dr and deal with an IUD at that point.

In amongst all this, I started to get really sore breasts. Not like when I was pregnant in my 20’s. This was a different kind of pain, it started from just on the outside and worked its way into the nipple. It felt like someone was scratching the skin beneath it in a way, yet at the same time a squeezing sort of agony. I put it down to my getting off the pill and my body telling me that I was going to bleed. For the second time within a month. Welcome to the lovely land of PCOS. And I did finally bleed. Right after we got back from our road trip to Victoria. My dreams of babies grew and my boobs still ached. I cried at cats on YouTube and to be honest, I cried at people laughing, talking, being sweet to each other and children dancing. Let’s just say I cried at everything. Which, as per my not being on the pill, is totally normal way of being when I’m about to bleed. Except the 4th day of my period I was doubled over in excruciating pain at work and wondered if the pain was really this bad all the time or if this was some “bitch, you took the hormones away and you’ll pay” kinda deal with my ovaries. I stayed at work. I did message Cern at some point and say that my uterus was trying to expel itself from my body because that’s how painful it was. People at work started to say I looked pale and noticed me hunched over my desk of breathing deeply through certain points. I got through the day and got a UberX home because I couldn’t really walk very far and the thought of catching a bus and a train and then walking home was beyond me.

The next day I didn’t go to work. I stayed in bed and felt sorry for myself because of the agonies I was in and the amount of blood-letting happening. I did go to the Dr to get a certificate for work and he made me have a blood test after I told him that this was my 2nd period in a month – the first being the one I had when I came off the pill. He gave me a certificate for work and told me he’d call me if he needed me to come back once my results were in. He called me 2 days later and asked me to come back to see him. Cern came with me while I went in to see said Dr. He told me my blood tests were rather confusing as my hCG levels were sitting at 15 which means that usually pregnant, but my bleeding means that I’m probably not so he said I was possibly half pregnant. I may have looked rather blankly at him. Ummm what?

He took out a piece of paper that explained exactly what that meant….

hCG levels and I was the 2nd one.

  • non-pregnant women – less than 5 milli-international units per millilitre (mIU/ml)
  • pregnant women, about 3 weeks after the last menstrual period (LMP) – 5–50 mIU/ml
  • pregnant women, about 4 weeks after the LMP – 50–500 mIU/ml

I was like, ummm wait. What? Back up a bit. What do you mean I’m half pregnant? How can I be half pregnant! I only just came off the pill! I was starting to believe Cerns infinite talk of his super sperm when it came to impregnating women. This isn’t meant to happen. I haven’t even had a month off the pill! I couldn’t be pregnant. Or remotely with parasite! I have PCOS. I said that to him, to the Dr. I have PCOS. Dr advised me that just because I have something and the general medical knowledge of how a body behaves with said abnormalities doesn’t negate the fact that you can still fall pregnant at the drop of a hat even though I’ve been told that I can’t fall pregnant after aborting my first all those many moons ago.

So somewhere along the line I had a 2nd and I didn’t even know about it that I’d lost???

Yes, he said.

<insert pregnant pause> <yes, I realise the double entendre>

So. Um. I say, what does that actually mean for me now?

He said I needed to come back in a week to have another blood test and booked me to have an ultrasound.

Oooooooooooooooooooook theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

I may have walked out looking dazed and confused and possibly laughing. So somewhere along the way he gave me my very of parasite and somehow I had no idea and now it was gone because I’ve been bleeding so heavily all week but my hormones are still showing that I’m definitely pregnant. But I’m also not pregnant. I could feel it in my bones and my body. I felt lighter, different. Cern smirked as soon as we walked out of the Drs surgery and said I told you I had super sperm. I wanted to slap his smile away but I ended up laughing. In some ways I guess it was a rejoice that, yet again, the Drs were proved wrong that I couldn’t conceive successfully without IVF.

The follow-up showed that everything was well and as good as can be minus a parasite. My hormones had returned to normal levels and the Dr advised that if I wanted to have a baby then my hormones were perfect to conceive. I said, no, no thank you, we’re good for now and walked out with a referral to a gynaecologist for an IUD.

I’ve been asked if I’m OK.

And you know, for having been pregnant, not known about said pregnancy and losing said pregnancy – I think I’m doing good.

What I learned from this experience? It’s hard to mourn something you never knew you had in the first place. It’s a welcome reminder that if I do want children, I don’t have to resort to IVF after all. I learnt that I love having Cerns fingers splayed against my lower abdomen while he whispers baby mumma in my ear. As disturbing as this is to my logical self, my illogical/emotional self warms at his touch. His possession. His fingers and hand burns its heat all the way through to my uterus and it contracts all on its own.

I knew I had a fetish when it came to watching men orgasm and feeling them inside me while watching their face would bring me to the brink of coming myself. There’s something to be said about feeling a man come deep inside you, beating at your cervix, filling it as they come. It makes me a wee bit weak at the knees. The pain and pleasure it usually brings is pretty spectacular. So maybe my orgasm fetish may have evolved.

However, last week I got my IUD. No more oppsy’s for us.

4

Turkey basting sperm, surrogacy & pregnancy.

This is a bit more of a serious post.

Not sure I’ve made one of those in a while. But there you go.

The stage: a question, delicately posed, yet still creating a drop in my stomach and the urge to throw up. Isn’t it funny that whenever Cern says “I have something to talk to you about” that’s my reaction? Anyway.

He mentions that a while ago, long before he met me, he offered his sperm to a lesbian friend of his if she ever had need of it and wanted to conceive with her partner. What a lovely idea right? Right.

So, he said that she’d gotten in contact and wanted to claim his swimmers.

Well ok. He didn’t say it in those terms precisely. However that’s how it has stuck in my head.

And he asked me if I would be ok with it?

Uhmm. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nooooooooooooooooo. I asked him to give me some breathing space as I needed to sort through my reactions. They were extreme, well, extreme for me.

I didn’t want to be the bitch that denied his friend a baby so I wanted to say yes. Yet at the same time I didn’t want to see his face in her child’s everytime we saw them since they are friends and I assume there would be cross over somewhere along the way so I also wanted to say no.

How doth one throw caution to the wind and say to one’s lover, sure honey – go knock up your friend, I’m totally cool with it!

And in a way, I felt that I was being bypassed, yet again, for a partner to have a baby with someone else instead of me.

That last line is all baggage. From my ex, the baby daddy, the one who procreated with someone else while with me…

Logically, I know that it’s not true. Emotionally though, it’s really hard to deal with the fact that I just don’t feel that I can do it. I want to be at a place where this kind of thing doesn’t phase me and I can totally get behind his urge to spread his sperm to anyone that wants to have a child. I really really do. Yet at the same time it eats at me.  Why do I seem to find men that want to have babies with everyone else? Do I give off some kind of signal that makes men believe that of me?

Again, don’t answer that question. I know it totally doesn’t apply to this situation, but who ever said emotions were logical?

I guess what this whole thing brought up for me was a Pandora’s box of things I thought I had dealt with. Surprise, obviously I didn’t deal with them that well…

I still wish I could give him what he wants, but I did say that I think we should both see a relationship counsellor, because this whole thing is making me feel things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue and if anything, we might get some good communication skills out of it. He agreed and said that it was part of the process that we see a counsellor anyway. So I left him to organise a date and gave him a referral of a councillor that a friend recommended for couples counselling of relationships that weren’t “vanilla”.

In the meantime I’ve tried to sort through my knee jerk emotions and have ended up with a big ball of “I don’t know what the fuck I want” and don’t really have a way of unravelling it.

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So I’m going to outline the various emotions in bullet point in the hopes that I can see some kind of pattern and pinpoint where my emotional instability is coming from:

  • Scared – scared that I’m never going to be enough for anyone and that I just don’t offer anyone anything to stay around – hello daddy baggage!
  • Unwanted – I know logically that this is a silly emotion, but it’s not one that I can dislodge. I feel like I am missing something because everyone else wants babies with everyone else and I’m like the invisible woman in the middle of the equation
  • Confused – I don’t know if I said yes what would this involve. Do we visit it every other month? Do it be a part of our lives? Or is it something that’s separate and something that he and I don’t get involved in? Do we never see it? Do we see it every Xmas? (I want to reiterate here that he said that there was a strict guideline that they’d drawn out and all he would ever be is the sperm donor – no contact, not listed as parent, not a next of kin, etc) But then it makes me feel sick to think that I’ll be saying hello to his child with someone else every time we see his friends, if we see his friends. Does that even make sense considering we have his 2 little ones every other weekend anyway yet I don’t feel like that with them?
  • Loved – he is being so patient with me on this one. He’s given me time, space and hasn’t bugged me about it. I feel like such a let down because I can’t say yes to him. I want to say yes to him yet at the same time if I did say yes and wasn’t emotionally ready to I’m scared it would break something in me.
  • Conflicted – A small part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and say yes. Do it. The other part of me is gripping on for dear life and saying no, I can’t do this. I don’t know which side to give in to.

Yeah, that list hasn’t really helped me at all.

A friend of mine said I should write it down. Process it. And I am writing, but nothing is coming to me.

I know that Cern is not my ex. I know that he wouldn’t do something this huge without my consent and knowing I am 100% OK with it to go ahead.

Yet I have that small part of me waiting for the axe to fall. Is this just a self-confidence thing? Is it because I don’t feel that I’m worth it in some way? Is it just because of dealing with an old lover who shattered me quite a few years ago?

And not long after this conversation my dreams of being pregnant started. Nearly every other night. I’d be pregnant in my head. These dreams were really not helping. Pandora’s box. I have it. I wish I could break it and find the easy solution to this problem.  But I don’t have it. And I don’t know how to deal with an answer for Cern.

Yes?                                     Or no?