4

Dreams, reality or somewhere in betwixt…

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I still haven’t resolved my feelings about letting my partner impregnate his friend – I think. Some days my answer is yes. Some days it is still no. We are waiting to find a relationship counsellor that suits us both as yet. I’ve left it to him to pursue and get back to me as the counsellor that I put forward can’t see us.

In amongst this time I decided I wanted to change forms of contraception because the pill, after taking it for 20 odd years, was getting tiresome and the effects it had on my body were getting even worse. Yes it might ease my pain during periods but at the same time it took away my sexual urges, it increased my weight and trying to remember to take something every day was getting irksome. So I stopped and talked to my GP about other methods that were available to us as obviously Cern and I are totally not at a point in our relationship where we want more little Cern’s running around. The GP pushed for implanon, I advised that I wanted to go the route of less hormones – she advised that with PCOS that wasn’t such a great idea. I told her that I don’t care, I’m tired of fake hormones fucking with my body. I need to deal with my pain and find other ways around it. I need her to find me a way that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I walked out the Drs surgery with a prescription for implanon and not much else. I wanted an IUD as it was probably the easiest option in regards to insertion and then forgetting about it but she kept saying that it wasn’t the best option for me. I figured I would try to get a referral to a Gyno from another Dr and deal with an IUD at that point.

In amongst all this, I started to get really sore breasts. Not like when I was pregnant in my 20’s. This was a different kind of pain, it started from just on the outside and worked its way into the nipple. It felt like someone was scratching the skin beneath it in a way, yet at the same time a squeezing sort of agony. I put it down to my getting off the pill and my body telling me that I was going to bleed. For the second time within a month. Welcome to the lovely land of PCOS. And I did finally bleed. Right after we got back from our road trip to Victoria. My dreams of babies grew and my boobs still ached. I cried at cats on YouTube and to be honest, I cried at people laughing, talking, being sweet to each other and children dancing. Let’s just say I cried at everything. Which, as per my not being on the pill, is totally normal way of being when I’m about to bleed. Except the 4th day of my period I was doubled over in excruciating pain at work and wondered if the pain was really this bad all the time or if this was some “bitch, you took the hormones away and you’ll pay” kinda deal with my ovaries. I stayed at work. I did message Cern at some point and say that my uterus was trying to expel itself from my body because that’s how painful it was. People at work started to say I looked pale and noticed me hunched over my desk of breathing deeply through certain points. I got through the day and got a UberX home because I couldn’t really walk very far and the thought of catching a bus and a train and then walking home was beyond me.

The next day I didn’t go to work. I stayed in bed and felt sorry for myself because of the agonies I was in and the amount of blood-letting happening. I did go to the Dr to get a certificate for work and he made me have a blood test after I told him that this was my 2nd period in a month – the first being the one I had when I came off the pill. He gave me a certificate for work and told me he’d call me if he needed me to come back once my results were in. He called me 2 days later and asked me to come back to see him. Cern came with me while I went in to see said Dr. He told me my blood tests were rather confusing as my hCG levels were sitting at 15 which means that usually pregnant, but my bleeding means that I’m probably not so he said I was possibly half pregnant. I may have looked rather blankly at him. Ummm what?

He took out a piece of paper that explained exactly what that meant….

hCG levels and I was the 2nd one.

  • non-pregnant women – less than 5 milli-international units per millilitre (mIU/ml)
  • pregnant women, about 3 weeks after the last menstrual period (LMP) – 5–50 mIU/ml
  • pregnant women, about 4 weeks after the LMP – 50–500 mIU/ml

I was like, ummm wait. What? Back up a bit. What do you mean I’m half pregnant? How can I be half pregnant! I only just came off the pill! I was starting to believe Cerns infinite talk of his super sperm when it came to impregnating women. This isn’t meant to happen. I haven’t even had a month off the pill! I couldn’t be pregnant. Or remotely with parasite! I have PCOS. I said that to him, to the Dr. I have PCOS. Dr advised me that just because I have something and the general medical knowledge of how a body behaves with said abnormalities doesn’t negate the fact that you can still fall pregnant at the drop of a hat even though I’ve been told that I can’t fall pregnant after aborting my first all those many moons ago.

So somewhere along the line I had a 2nd and I didn’t even know about it that I’d lost???

Yes, he said.

<insert pregnant pause> <yes, I realise the double entendre>

So. Um. I say, what does that actually mean for me now?

He said I needed to come back in a week to have another blood test and booked me to have an ultrasound.

Oooooooooooooooooooook theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

I may have walked out looking dazed and confused and possibly laughing. So somewhere along the way he gave me my very of parasite and somehow I had no idea and now it was gone because I’ve been bleeding so heavily all week but my hormones are still showing that I’m definitely pregnant. But I’m also not pregnant. I could feel it in my bones and my body. I felt lighter, different. Cern smirked as soon as we walked out of the Drs surgery and said I told you I had super sperm. I wanted to slap his smile away but I ended up laughing. In some ways I guess it was a rejoice that, yet again, the Drs were proved wrong that I couldn’t conceive successfully without IVF.

The follow-up showed that everything was well and as good as can be minus a parasite. My hormones had returned to normal levels and the Dr advised that if I wanted to have a baby then my hormones were perfect to conceive. I said, no, no thank you, we’re good for now and walked out with a referral to a gynaecologist for an IUD.

I’ve been asked if I’m OK.

And you know, for having been pregnant, not known about said pregnancy and losing said pregnancy – I think I’m doing good.

What I learned from this experience? It’s hard to mourn something you never knew you had in the first place. It’s a welcome reminder that if I do want children, I don’t have to resort to IVF after all. I learnt that I love having Cerns fingers splayed against my lower abdomen while he whispers baby mumma in my ear. As disturbing as this is to my logical self, my illogical/emotional self warms at his touch. His possession. His fingers and hand burns its heat all the way through to my uterus and it contracts all on its own.

I knew I had a fetish when it came to watching men orgasm and feeling them inside me while watching their face would bring me to the brink of coming myself. There’s something to be said about feeling a man come deep inside you, beating at your cervix, filling it as they come. It makes me a wee bit weak at the knees. The pain and pleasure it usually brings is pretty spectacular. So maybe my orgasm fetish may have evolved.

However, last week I got my IUD. No more oppsy’s for us.

4

Turkey basting sperm, surrogacy & pregnancy.

This is a bit more of a serious post.

Not sure I’ve made one of those in a while. But there you go.

The stage: a question, delicately posed, yet still creating a drop in my stomach and the urge to throw up. Isn’t it funny that whenever Cern says “I have something to talk to you about” that’s my reaction? Anyway.

He mentions that a while ago, long before he met me, he offered his sperm to a lesbian friend of his if she ever had need of it and wanted to conceive with her partner. What a lovely idea right? Right.

So, he said that she’d gotten in contact and wanted to claim his swimmers.

Well ok. He didn’t say it in those terms precisely. However that’s how it has stuck in my head.

And he asked me if I would be ok with it?

Uhmm. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nooooooooooooooooo. I asked him to give me some breathing space as I needed to sort through my reactions. They were extreme, well, extreme for me.

I didn’t want to be the bitch that denied his friend a baby so I wanted to say yes. Yet at the same time I didn’t want to see his face in her child’s everytime we saw them since they are friends and I assume there would be cross over somewhere along the way so I also wanted to say no.

How doth one throw caution to the wind and say to one’s lover, sure honey – go knock up your friend, I’m totally cool with it!

And in a way, I felt that I was being bypassed, yet again, for a partner to have a baby with someone else instead of me.

That last line is all baggage. From my ex, the baby daddy, the one who procreated with someone else while with me…

Logically, I know that it’s not true. Emotionally though, it’s really hard to deal with the fact that I just don’t feel that I can do it. I want to be at a place where this kind of thing doesn’t phase me and I can totally get behind his urge to spread his sperm to anyone that wants to have a child. I really really do. Yet at the same time it eats at me.  Why do I seem to find men that want to have babies with everyone else? Do I give off some kind of signal that makes men believe that of me?

Again, don’t answer that question. I know it totally doesn’t apply to this situation, but who ever said emotions were logical?

I guess what this whole thing brought up for me was a Pandora’s box of things I thought I had dealt with. Surprise, obviously I didn’t deal with them that well…

I still wish I could give him what he wants, but I did say that I think we should both see a relationship counsellor, because this whole thing is making me feel things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue and if anything, we might get some good communication skills out of it. He agreed and said that it was part of the process that we see a counsellor anyway. So I left him to organise a date and gave him a referral of a councillor that a friend recommended for couples counselling of relationships that weren’t “vanilla”.

In the meantime I’ve tried to sort through my knee jerk emotions and have ended up with a big ball of “I don’t know what the fuck I want” and don’t really have a way of unravelling it.

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So I’m going to outline the various emotions in bullet point in the hopes that I can see some kind of pattern and pinpoint where my emotional instability is coming from:

  • Scared – scared that I’m never going to be enough for anyone and that I just don’t offer anyone anything to stay around – hello daddy baggage!
  • Unwanted – I know logically that this is a silly emotion, but it’s not one that I can dislodge. I feel like I am missing something because everyone else wants babies with everyone else and I’m like the invisible woman in the middle of the equation
  • Confused – I don’t know if I said yes what would this involve. Do we visit it every other month? Do it be a part of our lives? Or is it something that’s separate and something that he and I don’t get involved in? Do we never see it? Do we see it every Xmas? (I want to reiterate here that he said that there was a strict guideline that they’d drawn out and all he would ever be is the sperm donor – no contact, not listed as parent, not a next of kin, etc) But then it makes me feel sick to think that I’ll be saying hello to his child with someone else every time we see his friends, if we see his friends. Does that even make sense considering we have his 2 little ones every other weekend anyway yet I don’t feel like that with them?
  • Loved – he is being so patient with me on this one. He’s given me time, space and hasn’t bugged me about it. I feel like such a let down because I can’t say yes to him. I want to say yes to him yet at the same time if I did say yes and wasn’t emotionally ready to I’m scared it would break something in me.
  • Conflicted – A small part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and say yes. Do it. The other part of me is gripping on for dear life and saying no, I can’t do this. I don’t know which side to give in to.

Yeah, that list hasn’t really helped me at all.

A friend of mine said I should write it down. Process it. And I am writing, but nothing is coming to me.

I know that Cern is not my ex. I know that he wouldn’t do something this huge without my consent and knowing I am 100% OK with it to go ahead.

Yet I have that small part of me waiting for the axe to fall. Is this just a self-confidence thing? Is it because I don’t feel that I’m worth it in some way? Is it just because of dealing with an old lover who shattered me quite a few years ago?

And not long after this conversation my dreams of being pregnant started. Nearly every other night. I’d be pregnant in my head. These dreams were really not helping. Pandora’s box. I have it. I wish I could break it and find the easy solution to this problem.  But I don’t have it. And I don’t know how to deal with an answer for Cern.

Yes?                                     Or no? 

 

2

Mothering. The joys of living with a 70+ year old. And escaping to another state.

Remember when I thought it was a good idea to move back home to help mum out and also save myself some money?

Next time I think of anything remotely interesting like this and being a good Samaritan, someone please slap me back to earth.

Apart from that it’s been a pretty full on 7 months. Cern is living in my mum’s granny flat out the back and spending lots of time between my bedroom and his bedroom. Bless him, he hasn’t unpacked a box yet so there are tunnels from his bedroom to the kitchen & bathroom. At this rate I may need to start nagging him to hurry up so that at least we have a space to escape to that mum isn’t likely to follow.

Cern and I are still going strong. We went on a road trip to Melbourne and surrounds just over a week ago for a week together. He did most of the driving and I did most of the sleeping. There was a reason for all my sleeping, but that’s for another post.

The drive down we ended up doing a bit late because we got distracted at the EB Games Expo, we were meant to be there for a few hours and leave, but ended up staying the whole day.

So on the drive down we stayed at some place. Somewhere. Inland. The sun was out, I was howling with some songs on the radio and Cern hadn’t thrown me out of the moving car yet, I figured we were good.

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We stayed with my other state Wifey and we road tested that her creaky bed does not, in fact, collapse if you fuck on it even after she said to stick to the middle of the bed. We drove around, went sex toy shopping to the local warehouse full of adult things. It was rather boring, believe it or not. I think we go into them more these days because of the novelty of it. Honestly, half the clothes there wouldn’t even fit my nipple in it, let alone my boob. The sex toys weren’t that interesting, I think Cern may have ruined me with Bad Dragon toys. Honestly. We found a jerky house, I kid you not, an actual shop that just sells jerky! Cern had a jerky-gasm.

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Back to the point though. I took lots of pictures, we went dinosaur fossil hunting – which involved me wildly bashing rocks with my geopick while Cern carefully smashed some rocks to look inside a lot. I found the pulverizing cleansing. He got upset at me because a rock I was holding with a fossil dissolved in my hand in the wind. I swear it was an accident. So we had to find him another one lest I die of misplaced wind guilt.

The view along the Great Ocean Road was very pretty though. Here’s some peektures for you all.

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We saw a lot of koala’s running around on the ground. Well. Running is an overstatement. They kind of do this barreling weird walk thing. However they are cute. I don’t care how many I thought were morphing into drop bears at night with their calling out for females to hump and the fact that I nearly crawled up Cern during our night-time wander around the camp yard to find the wifi since we were in the middle of nowhere and had no reception for anything.

The things I learnt about my relationship with Cern after being in a car with him for a week?

  1. He thinks my weird peculiarities are amusing
  2. He doesn’t mind that I sing as badly as nails going down a chalkboard
  3. He lets me sleep and does most of the driving without holding it against me
  4. He says I shrink his car whenever he tries to get back into the driver’s side after I’ve driven because I’m so small and have to move the seat up so far
  5. He’s a funny lil/big shit that makes me laugh a lot
  6. He doesn’t mind stopping when I squee at things and letting me get out of the car to take peektures to show friends on facebook, sometimes even reversing said car back up the road
  7. He laughs at my moody phases
  8. Being near him has a calming effect on me when he’s not hurting me to listen to me giggle or inappropriately groping me in public so I say “sweetie” in a high-pitched WTF did you do man kinda voice
  9. He drives like a mad man when I point out that he’s giving me a heart attack
  10. I love him and thank the stars that he’s hung around for this long

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13

Lemonade can kiss my zest.

I’ve avoided writing anything deep and meaningful here for a while now. Mostly because the developments with Cern I sometimes like to hoard to myself for the warm fuzzies before I share with others. And the rest, well, mainly because I can’t pinpoint what’s making me feel so … distant? Isolated? Alone? Stressed? Anxious? Actually I’ve not really wanted to vent my insanity. You see, sometimes I even become irrational and crazy because of… well….

Actually there’s a lot of things contributing to it. And as per normal, it all happened around my birthday. Damn that day coming around every year and fucking my life up.

On Monday I received my subpoena to court for the end of March for the sexual and physical assault trial – and instantly, this has added a new slowness to my step. A barrage of feelings and most of all, the feeling of drowning is overwhelming. I try really hard not to think about it, for thinking about it means it’s real and it’s going to happen. Thinking about it makes my eyes leak and my heart hurt. Cern has offered his support, not only to me but my house-mate in any way we may need him that week. I appreciate it greatly, yet I don’t know how to let him help. How do people do it? I’ve been self-sufficient for so long that I don’t know how to not be even when I obviously am not coping.

My cat went missing the other night – the neighbour said she’d seen him sitting outside my bedroom window for a few days hoping I’d let him in. Except I hadn’t been home because I was at work and stayed that night at Cern’s place. Instead of keeping my shit together and looking for him like I usually do. I had a moment in my bathroom where I just broke down before putting my big girl panties on to stop crying. Cat eventually turned up, my anxiety levels stayed high though.

Add on top of that some financial strain and I’m suddenly a hot pot of flatness and I don’t know how to break myself from the spiral. I’m pretty sure I’m really not that much fun to be around at the moment and try as I might, I think that bleeds through and Cern isn’t quite sure what to do with me either.

He asked me what was wrong last night and all I could think of to say was that with the financial stress and the emotional stress and that I’ve been so used to taking care of others and always being the strong one who keeps her shit together that sometimes I don’t know how to let it all go. I honestly don’t. It’s like another leap of faith that I don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to make right now. The thought of making myself vulnerable, even more so than I already feel, is petrifying. I’m scared of what the court case is going to bring, I’m scared of what it’s going to mean for my friend, for me… It’s easier to put on a brave face and act like I’m not falling apart inside. Which I know isn’t fair. On him or me, but the alternative makes me want to run and hide in another galaxy where he can’t find me.

My actual birthday day was beautiful. One day that shone out of the week, it’s helped get me through. We spent a lot of time tangled in each other, touching, patting, fucking… interspersed with him kidnapping me and surprising me with pancakes for breakfast/lunch. I spent the night eating pizza with my house-mate as we hugged and offered each other emotional support and drank some cider. At least she knows she’s not alone. I’m not going anywhere and we’re getting through this together.

I think I might be an emotional basket case.

My feeling of self clarity and self realisations have gone out the window. Everything is murky, like someone’s wiped the windows with a dirty dish rag.

I feel that I haven’t been there enough for my sister who just had her second baby. I haven’t helped her enough. I feel that I’ve let her down in a way by not being there. I was there every other day when my niece was born and my sister came down with that horrible sickness. Granted she hasn’t been sick this time so is very able to look after my nephew on her own, but still. I haven’t done enough.

Cern mentioned that we should move in together. If I moved out to his place I’d need to buy a car. Or a motorbike to get to work and see my friends who all live in the Inner City and he lives way out in the cunt-tree. I get it’s closer to his kids and I wouldn’t want him to move to be further from them. This isn’t always about me and I get that, I’m ok with that. The fact that his kids come first is important, not only to him. But it leaves me with a huge question mark in regards to moving away from everything that’s close and familiar to somewhere that doesn’t have a cafe around the corner (sure the shopping mall is up the road, but it’s not the same as the cafe culture of my town)… It would take me an extra 30 minutes on a train to get to work on top of the hour it already takes. That’s 3 hours travelling a day without a car. It’s such a long way away from anything. I’ve never lived so far from the city and it causes me the same feeling that heart burn gives you.

4 months. I counted. We’ve known each other 4 months yet I feel like he’s never not been a part of my life and I can’t see him not being with me. Contradiction of epic proportions, right? Right. I freaked out. I freak out at big changes like moving in together so soon. Call me old-fashioned, or crazy, or whatever. But 3 months. When is the right time to have the talk about living together? What’s the appropriate time you should be together before cohabiting? I know my ex girlfriend and I pretty much moved in together after a few months and we had nearly 4 years of an awesome relationship. Does it really matter how soon you move in together? We are pretty much spending every night together and I can’t remember the last time I slept alone – so it’s not that different anyway? Yet I’m scared because I would be giving up my social circle, my friends living close by, the social life, the Newtown lifestyle… a quick walk to a cafe, a pub or various restaurants. Yet at the same time I want to move in with him, I want to throw caution to the wind and do it. On the other hand I wonder if it’s not too soon for his kids to see me as a permanent fixture, should they spend more time with their dad alone? I feel like I’m taking time away from them being together sometimes even though I know his kids actually do enjoy my company and I theirs. Then I think that I’m being silly. Sometimes I feel silly. And there’s the issue of moving into a place that he’s lived in for a long time. It’s moving into his territory instead of moving together into new territory and making it ours. Small things, insignificant things probably but things that make me pause and wonder if we shouldn’t wait. So I’ve asked him to give me time, we have to wait till his house-mate moves out so that there’s a spare room anyway and at that point we’ll re-evaluate.

I feel like I’m full of aches at the moment. So many aches. My heart aches. My brain aches. My emotions ache.  So this week, the week of my birth oh so many years ago. Is utter fail. FAIL. Deep and meaningful’s are such hard work.

On the plus side, since the Australian dollar has taken such a nose dive – I’ve been invited to spend a few weeks rolling around on sandy beaches and snorkelling in reefs with my Hellfire urban family in Samoa – as has Cern (the first ever partner that’s been invited to holiday with us in any sense as usually we’ve kept holidays to a tight-knit group). So this will be. At the end of July/August we’re going island hopping.

I may need to find a funny video to share to make this post seem less deary…

10

He chose me?

I’m sitting on a train back to civilisation from Cern’s place reading Amanda Palmer’s book “The Art of Asking” when I came across a paragraph that made me stop and look out the window in contemplation. Then it made me smile from the inside out.

So I’m going to share with you this paragraph. So you can smile and think of a time that you heard such sweet words.

This is after she’d asked him if he would help her add text to some of her photos for her compilation book to go with her album at the time. They we in seperate relationships with others and had kept in contact via emails checking in as friends do. They happened to be in New York together a few months later and he asked her to meet up for coffee. Her being her she fretted about a birthday gift so gave him The Bride. Which was her street busking gig she hadn’t worn in a long time. He was having lunch with his literary agent that day so they agreed to meet at 4pm at Washington Square Park in winter.

I stepped up on the box at ten minutes to four, figuring I wouldn’t have long to wait.

After twenty minutes, I started to shiver & kept wondering if I should give up, but I didn’t want to get down & ruin the surprise, & if already suffered too long to let it go. There was construction in the park. Maybe he couldn’t find me. A few people stopped to get a flower. After 30 minutes, my fingers went numb, then my hands went numb, then my legs and arms froze. After about an hour, he appeared, accompanied by a woman, and approached me cautiously.

… Amanda? Is that you?

The Bride stayed silent. I stared at him & cocked my head. This was weird. He had come with someone, and I felt like I was embarrassing him. I’d noticed he easily got really embarrassed.

He put a dollar in my hat & I gave him a flower. I tried to make eye contact with him, and he smiled goofing while the woman stepped back and laughed at our little exchange. I hopped down. I still felt like I was embarrassing him.

Well, er, Amanda, this is Merrilee, my literary agent! Merrilee, this is Amanda, you know, the…rock star lady. With the dead naked book…and all that. Merrilee smiled at me.

I pushed the veil out of my face, reached out numb, gloved fingers, and shook her hand.

Hi.

The uncomfortableness lasted a few more minutes before Neil and I walked off to a nearby cafe, where I told Neil I would buy him a birthday hot chocolate. I took off my wig and Neil helped me carry the 3 milk crates.

My god, you’re freezing, he said. Your teeth are chattering. He took off his overcoat and draped it over my shoulders.

I didn’t have any cash in my wallet, and the Cafe was cash only. But I had made eight dollars doing The Bride, and I insisted on buying his hot chocolate with those crumpled-up bills, which I fished out of the can I’d used to collect them. The bill for two hot chocolates came to eleven dollars. Fucking New York. Apologising, I hit Neil up for the rest of the money.
It’s ok, he said. What you did it out there was wonderful.
Ah thanks. Yeah sorry it got all fucked up. I should have planned the surprise better.
No, he said. It was perfect. I think it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, actually.
What? Really? I said.
Really. And I’ve decided something.
What’s that?
I’ve decided that I’m not going anywhere.
Sorry. What?
I’m not going anywhere, he repeated.
I don’t know what you mean, Neil.
I mean, he said, speaking more slowly, that I’m not. Going. Anywhere. Even if it takes years. I think I’ll stay right here.
Like…here at the corner table? I joked nervously. You mean you’re never going to leave the Cafe Gitane ever? That sounds very Neil Gaiman-y.
No, he said, plainly. I’ll leave this Cafe. But I won’t leave you. That’s what I mean. I’m not going anywhere.
Oh, I said. I see. I think

You see, Cern and I had a similar kind of talk this week. I was feeling pretty shit and expressed my feelings to him that I felt I didn’t have an option that made me feel ok with a decision and he sent me a voice message that conveyed something that may have taken this long to start to sink in. That he chooses me. Above anyone else.

I’ve not really had a guy choose me above anyone else before. Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long to sink in. I heard him but I never believed him. To believe him is taking a new found openness to him. It’s pushing some of my walls that I didn’t know I had erected. The ones where I heard people say things but didn’t believe they meant them, usually because they don’t and end up breaking my heart so I gave up hoping and believing a long time ago.

So maybe it’s time I let myself believe and hope. Scary. He is scary and still his arms are still the only place in the world I feel safe, wanted… home.

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So take time out soon, stare into someone eyes that means something to you and offer the silent questions.

Will you love me even if I’m broken? Can you see the real me? Hello.

Hello!

9

The interconnection of poly and jealousy

Well as you all know, Cern and I are now primary partners. Which, logically, should mean that I’m secure enough in us that everyone else doesn’t matter…

But sometimes that’s just not true.

Which leads me into a discussion I was having with a lovely lassy today about mono vs poly.

It shouldn’t be an us and them mentality, I really really hate that mentality and will avoid it at all costs. I think, like many things, there’s a spectrum of where we all sit in regards to being monogamous versus being poly. There are relationships that will start monogamous and open up at a later date when both parties are secure in what they’ve built. There are others that hit the ground running in an open relationship without being mono at all. There’s greys m’dears. So many bloody grey areas.

I think as soon as emotional attachment comes into the picture the ease of sharing someone gets one degree harder. Not because of anything but our own perceptions. But that doesn’t make it any easier to work through now, does it? No.

But after talking today about the issues surrounding mono, poly and jealousy I thought I’d do some digging to see if I could help find her something to refer to. And I found a wealth of knowledge.

Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don’t get jealous. Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.

A poly relationship depends much more than a traditional relationship on mutual security and trust. Even the smallest amount of insecurity in a poly relationship can quickly be magnified to the point where it can be lethal to the relationship. – Theory of Jealousy

Ding ding ding! It’s as I thought, there’s always underlying issues that make us feel or react in a way to something that’s said or done which can cause hurt and the feeling of inadequacy in our partners. That may not be the intention but sometimes it’s the outcome even so. So then the discussion becomes how do we try to stop that from happening?

One of the central fixtures in most polyamorous relationships, especially polyamorous relationships between an existing couple who begin with a monogamous relationship and then expand the relationship to include polyamory, is a set of rules or covenants designed to protect the existing relationship and to make the people in the relationship feel secure—in other words, to deal with issues like jealousy, insecurity, and threat. I’m going to use the metaphor of the refrigerator and bend it to my own ends. – Dealing with Jealousy

I had a conversation with Cern the other day as we were driving to our 2nd date about what expectations I had of him. For me jealousy falls under the umbrella of when I’m feeling really insecure about myself, about him and about our relationship because of X, Y or Z. It could be a throw away comment that gives me pause and makes me feel that sinking feeling inside or it’s that I’ve felt that I was not being told the truth or there was omission of some kind. I told him that for the most part I don’t really give a shit about the bits on the side that he’s fucking. Because I don’t. I’m not competing with them for his time or his attention when we’re together and that gives me a sense of security in our relationship that they won’t be affecting us in any way shape or form. But sometimes this security wavers.

And I think it wavers because we’re both so new to each other still. I just don’t have the grounded history with him. Sure, that will happen in time, but now – sometimes I just find it really bloody hard and sometimes I think I can’t be bothered with this whole open thing any more and want to retreat into my cave and buy another cat. But these feelings, they don’t boil down to anything he’s done. Quite the opposite, they boil down to the fact that I have my own issues which being open is making me deal with – my own issues of self-worth, self-confidence and self-awareness. Past relationships wear us down and break us sometimes, rebuilding and re-bettering is hard work, no?

So. The question is, why are you jealous? Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it’s a feeling that’s often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity. What is it that triggers the jealousy, and more important,why? When you think about the things that cause you to feel jealous, what’s the first emotional reaction that flashes through your head—fear? Anger? Sadness? Rejection? Loss? What underlies those feelings—fear of loss her? Fear of being insufficient? Anger at someone else moving in on your territory? All of these? None of these? – Theory of Jealousy

Plus… Nothing is guaranteed in this life. I learnt that the hard way.

But Cern pushes so many of my buttons that even if we were mono he’d scare the bejesus out of me – he doesn’t scare me in a bad way, it’s all good. The man has prime real estate stakes in my brain – not an hour goes past without me thinking of him. Not a minute goes past that I’m not aware that he’s chatting up others, most days these things don’t matter, some days they do so I guess that we’re open just makes that fear amplified in a myriad of ways. He’s the first person I’ve met that I haven’t mentally given a shelf life to. He’s different. I don’t know how else to explain it. That he makes me feel so much is different. I feel everything a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’ve let him past all defences and now I’m dealing with the fall out of him being inside before I was ready for him to be or if this is just some irrational crazy moment I’m having in my head.

He knows of my fears, he knows that he causes me some fears himself. He’s aware of my insecurities, my stupid brain farts and general non-sense. I have rational moments. I have irrational moments. I get emotional and logically talk myself back from the emotional ledge I’ve walked off to.

Many years ago, I was dating a woman I’d met at college, who I’ll call R. During the course of our relationship, R started dating another close friend of mine, T. And for the first time in my life, for the first time in my history (at the time) of a half-dozen successful long-term poly relationships, I was jealous.

I don’t mean “you know, this makes me uncomfortable” jealous. I mean “completely overwhelmed, smashed to pieces beneath a tidal wave of feelings I could not anticipate or predict or control; gut-wrenching, wanting-to-puke” jealous. I mean the kind of jealous that consumes every other feeling and leaves nothing but ashes behind. I’d never felt those things before, and when I was in the middle of those feelings the only thing—the only thing—I could think about was making the feelings stop, however I could.

Because it happened when she was with T, and didn’t happen at other times, I made the logical, reasonable, and totally stupid assumption that the cause of the feelings was her relationship with T. From there, I reached the equally stupid conclusion that the thing that would make the jealousy go away was if she changed something about her behaviour or her relationship with T. (I also didn’t really recognize the jealousy for what it was, powerful as it was, because I’d never felt it before, which only reinforced the notion that it was “caused by” her relationship with him.)

I behaved pretty reprehensibly, playing passive-aggressive games and just generally acting like…well, like a lot of people dealing with their first crisis in a poly relationship act. Predictably, it destroyed my relationship with her. She went on to marry T and cut me out of her life completely; the very thing I was afraid of came to pass because of my jealousy. Had I not behaved the way I did, we’d probably still be close, almost 15 years later.


In hindsight, now that I have a lot more experience and a bit more emotional wisdom under my belt, I can see where I went wrong. When a person feels jealous, and attributes the jealousy to the things that trigger the jealousy, he doesn’t actually understand the jealousy. It’s a bit like a person who has never seen a rabbit except when it’s being pursued by a dog believing that the dog is the cause of the rabbit. In reality, jealousy is built of other emotions; jealousy is not “caused” in any direct sense by the action that triggers it, but rather by a different emotional response to the act that triggers it.

In my case, R and I had never really discussed her relationship with T; nor had we talked about, in any capacity at all, what her intentions with T were or what effect, if any, that would have on her intentions with and her relationship with me. Put most simply, I saw her and T together, I had no idea what that meant for her and me, so I became afraid of being replaced. The fear of being replaced, in turn, led to the jealousy.

Now, had I actually taken the time to examine the jealousy and really try to understand it, I probably would’ve figured that out. And, once I understood that the jealousy was caused by a fear of being replaced…well, a fear of being replaced is a fear that you can work with. A fear of being replaced, all things considered, is really not that difficult to address. All it requires is conversation about intentions, perhaps a bit of reassurance, and time enough to demonstrate that the conversations and reassurance are genuine, and hey, there you go. – Dealing with Jealousy

And that’s all we all want at the end of the day.

To know that we mean something to someone. To be wanted. Desired. To be dear to someone.

That we all feel insecure, afraid, unsure, unloved, unwanted… it’s all emotions that can be assisted by just opening up that person. So sometimes when I feel that I need extra attention I’ll ask Cern for hugs. Or a kiss.

So then how does one try to get past the jealousy?

It means saying, “I know that I am feeling jealous. I know that the jealousy is brought about by some other emotion—some emotion that is triggered by the action that makes me jealous. I need to figure out what that other emotion is, and I need to figure out why that action triggers that emotion.”

Until you do that, you are helpless in the face of the jealousy. If you don’t understand it, there is nothing you can do to address it. Trying to understand it isn’t easy; when you’re ass-deep in alligators, it’s easy to forget that the initial goal was to drain the swamp, and when you’re entirely overwhelmed by gut-wrenching emotions that are tearing you to pieces, it’s easy to forget that these emotions are grounded in some other emotions. In the middle of jealousy, all you want is for the jealousy to stop, and you don’t care how.

So, you confuse the trigger with the cause. You believe, erroneously, that the source of the jealousy is the action that triggers it. You see your partner kiss someone, you feel jealous, you want the jealousy to stop, you pass a rule: “No more kissing.”

I don’t have any problem with my partner having a relationship with another man, but I’ll continue using that as an example. If I did have a problem with that, the conversation between my partner and I might go something like this:

“I am uncomfortable with this, and for some reason the idea of you playing alone with a person of the same sex as you are is OK with me but the idea of you playing alone with the person of the same sex as I am is not OK with me.

I do not understand these feelings yet, but they seem like they are rooted in some kind of fear (such as the fear that I cannot compete with someone of the same sex as me), or possibly some jealousy. I need to work on this, because I recognize that it is irrational and unjustified. Therefore, it is OK with me if you play with someone of either sex, but I will want to talk to you about it afterward, and analyze my feelings and reactions, and try to understand them so that I can address whatever is causing these reactions. After you are done, I will need some time with you so that we can work together at identifying what is causing this irrational emotional response on my part.” – Dealing with Jealousy

What I love about these articles are that they don’t just tell you how jealousy is bad for you and your relationship.

They give you a sense of understanding of why you feel the way you do, how that feeling is coming about, what are the things you can do to address these feelings and how to communicate with your partner so that you aren’t blaming them or making them feel bad about what they are doing yet at the same time conveying what you need to convey so that you get the reassurances that you need in order to feel secure and safe in your primary relationship.

Things can get a little trickier still (this business of romantic relationship is messy, isn’t it?) when your partner has done something, intentionally or unintentionally, to damage your trust or to mistreat you in some way. When this happens, it takes time to rebuild trust and to repair the damage, and it’s reasonable to expect not to keep doing things which are threatening until you get enough time and distance to separate the damage from mere discomfort.

Of course, I say “mere discomfort” even though I know full well that that “mere discomfort” can be an overwhelming tidal wave of jealousy that so completely washes over you that it leaves you shaking and twisted up in agony and unable to do or say or think about anything save for making the feeling go away. Hey, I never said it was easy—only that it’s possible, and necessary. – Dealing with Jealousy

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So yes, you aren’t alone. Everyone feels insecure at some point, but don’t forget that working through your own emotions and having the communication lines open with your partner will mean that instead of the negative emotions destroying what you have, they will make it stronger for how you both work through them together.

Sure I find it all really hard sometimes, but then I’m sure he does too. Maybe I’m too empathetic in that I hate the mono vs poly debate and how everyone should be kept separate in their boxes. Nothing is ever that easy. And not all mono relationships are purely closed either, sometimes they share people but keep it closed all other times. Sometimes poly isn’t always about shagging or having relationships with whatever you want either. We all have our own spectrum of what we’re comfortable with and I dare say, the goal posts will move as a relationship progresses anyway. So how you start out will change as we change. There is no black and white cut out of a perfect relationship. There’s just what we build.

Not all jealousy is bad. Sometimes it leads to wonderful personal and relationship growth.

23

The beginnings of something different – Part 2

Thanks for not riding my sick arse about updating this thing you lot. I’m still feeling rather ill, but as long as I don’t talk or swallow my throat feels fine!

Back to the story though, Part 1 ended with me watching Cern’s cute arse walk into my bedroom down the hallway…

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No seriously, I’m not a butt kinda gal, but I do love to appreciate a nice arse. They make me want to reach out and touch them. Which I do often if there’s one wiggling in front of me, beside me or anywhere in hand-span vicinity.

Er, getting away from nice arses on men and moving on with the story… I’m so easily distracted, I’m going to blame the horny.

So we walk into my bedroom and he throws his things down, I am still in my bikini from the beach we just drove back from and am covered in salt and feel about as good. I tell him that I honestly really need a shower ASAP before anything and before I could finish my sentence he grabs me, apologised for making the wrong decision and pulls me in for a kiss. Now, to get one thing straight, this man’s kisses make my brain fall out. Every.Single.Time. It’s like that voice he uses in my ear to whisper naughty things, actually let’s revise the whole thing, it’s like he has a direct line to my horny button and pushes it repeatedly like an impatient child waiting for a lift at which point my body sparks out and he’s now controlling my puppet strings while my mind screams “What the fuck is happening?!”. Damn you traitorous body.

Uh, so we kiss, my legs give out at the ferocity of him devouring me and he catches me without fail. I’m pretty sure when he pulled away my eyes may have been glazed over.

He apologised again for making the wrong call the night before and not being with me instead. I wanted to say a lot of things, but these things wouldn’t have been conducive to the discussion. So I said the truth. I was and still am disappointed that I didn’t get to see in the new year with him. Logically I understand why, emotionally it’s still raw.  He sat down on my bed and proceeded to explain what he was thinking and why. What revelations had come to him during his drive away from my house the evening before.

In the short amount of time we’ve known each other, as much as I let him past my walls and into some of the deepest parts of myself, he said I’d somehow wormed my way past his defences. I apologised for wiggling in, I don’t like going places I’m not welcome after all, he shushed me and told me that I’m being a dill. Who knew? As he was talking I drifted closer and closer to him as he sat propped up against my bed-head with his legs out. And somehow I ended up straddling him as we talked.

He looked pained as he was talking and being a bleeding heart I needed to touch him, stroke him, feel him to let him know I’m ok and he’s ok.

We discussed a lot of things that evening. But the basics that we reached agreement on was that we wanted each other in our lives. That we were starting to get emotionally invested and that we were both ok with this. He mentioned that he was going to start pulling away from his other commitments that he had some emotional investment in as he didn’t see any future with either of them. I felt bad that I seemed to be the catalyst to ending his dalliances with others and told him so, he negated my fears by telling me that it wasn’t me that was making this choice for him, that it was his choice to make. And he has a point, this was his decision. He said he eventually wanted to focus on us and to be honest, my heart sort of sang at that.  What I got from all our talk is that he doesn’t want to lose me and he felt that he was or he was going to if things kept going the way they were. Smart boy.

We didn’t talk about being exclusive – so other’s are still involved just not on a deep and meaningful level. More-so for him than me at this point. If only because I’m honestly just not interested in a lot of people. It takes a special something to make me sit up and take note. And those don’t happen every day. Does it bother me? Sometimes yes, other times no. Some days I wonder why he wants to be with me when there’s younger better models out there… and some days I wonder if I’m not enough but then remember that no one is ever everything to anyone. I know this better than anyone, I’ve experienced it, I’ve lived it and breathed it. So it’s a jumble of emotions that I work through daily and sometimes I win the battle, other days I don’t win that much.

I guess for me it meant that I needed to re-evaluate where I stood with him. He asked me what I wanted and I may have looked like a dear startled in the headlights at him. What do I want?

Obviously I couldn’t say world peace, although to be fair the thought did go through my mind. Instead I asked him if I could have a rain check because I need to think about everything we’ve talked about and how this changes what I thought was going to happen.

As we touched, kissed, talked and kissed some more I started to taste the salty goodness that reminded me I needed to shower. I apologised for salting at him and climbed off so I could get naked and wet. He joined me. We continued talking underwater too.

The more we talked the more I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I guess subconsciously I let the flood gates open. We were going on this ride damn it.

And here we stand. Him and me.

Where does it all go? We don’t know yet. All we know and have agreed to is that we mean something to each other and that is what matters. That we keep that going and keep each other a priority even if we shag anyone else.

We may have spent the rest of the having some pretty spectacular sex. However I don’t think we’ve not had spectacular sex before. Either way, it was awesome.

So here we go… grab a cuppa, a blankie and tuck in. We’re going on a ride!

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Don’t forget to send me any Kinky Q & A questions you may have at spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page! No question is too silly and if you want to remain anonymous just let me know.

23

Bloggy visitors and the beginning of something different…

I know this update has been long overdue. Y’all can spank me later.

I’ve been really slack, however my 2 week holiday I was taking off to show Johnny around my hometown turned into a whirlwind coming together of me and Cern in the merriest of ways and I felt horrible but it also meant that I spent more time with Cern that at home or anywhere else.

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However it was nearly a week after Johnny landed that I reached my limit of not seeing Cern and decided I needed my hands on him, my face in his chest and to be able to breathe him in. Plus, I was horny. That always helps.

We’d been texting each other a bit in that time anyway, so when he said Tuesday I said yes. There was no other answer to that question. He wanted to cook us his amazing spaghetti bolognaise. He seemed to think I was going to fall to his feet and offer him my eternal gratitude and declare him my food god. And to be fair, he makes a decent spag bol. It was tasty. I still think mine’s better – but as I said to him last night, my spag bol is never the same. I am always adding all kinds of things to it to see what works – especially spicy things.

So while Cern was cooking, him and Johnny were chatting about various things and I was salivating because I was starving and admiring how Cern looked rape-able standing in our suspension frame in the living room. That man has a way of derailing even the best thoughts I have. This night, however, was a night that marked us spending rather a long time in each other’s company.

The next night we both had dates in the City, so we helped each other get ready. It was so comfortable, sure it felt a bit weird when I thought about how we were getting each other ready for a date with someone else, but at the same time, it felt like it was something we’d been doing forever and it was ok. I’m not sure how to describe this feeling. When we kissed each other goodbye on the way out of the door and said “Hope you have a good night” – We meant it. I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his date. On his way back to me from his date however I got a message saying that he felt like shit and I started to fret. He didn’t feel 100% going on the date and I thought he should postpone but he was adamant that he go. I wasn’t going to stop him, he’s a big boy and can make those decisions. I wanted him to call me if he felt that he couldn’t drive to me and I’d get a cab to him to drive him home.

He got sicker the next day so I nursed him for a few nights in my bed. We then moved from my house to his house and I stayed with him for 4 days. I met his kids – who are totally adorable. My niece still wins in the ultimate cute stakes though, but I’ll say his come a close second. Christmas was a bit of a write off, he was still pretty sick so we spent the night doing what two geeks together do best, we set up his living room so that we had a gaming centre and played Diablo 3’s expansion together. We spent our nights curled up sleeping, or if he was feeling up for it we’d fuck. I wanted to make sure he didn’t kill himself in the process, sexing isn’t as important as him getting better but being that I am me, there’s no way I was going to say no to him ripping my knickers off and taking advantage of me.

He returned me home the night before new years eve.

Considering that I’d put out a blanket invite to all my friends to come over with their own food and their own drinks and join us in seeing in the new year I had no idea who was going to show and who wasn’t and thankfully we had a small gathering of my urban family. I couldn’t have asked for better company.

Except I didn’t have Cern.

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He dropped by on Tuesday so we spent some time together before NYE – he said that he had decided to spend the night with his other girl that he was dating. Apparently she was going to be on her own otherwise and he wasn’t up for a big night.

I thought I would be ok with this, I mean I just spent nearly over a week with the guy and we were only meant to be FWB right? Right. A break would be good for us.

But no matter how I rationalised it, my heart wasn’t having a bar of it.

Logically, it made sense. Totally.

Emotionally? Well. Emotionally it felt like I wasn’t important enough to see in the new year with. And no matter how I knew we’d just overdosed on each other for a week, that for this one night, I’d have preferred to spend it with him and would have forgone everyone else.

When he sent me a message saying that he felt wrong, my first thought was he was sick again and I needed to go get him. When he explained that he felt wrong driving away from my house, the penny dropped. He said some things clarified for him during that drive, he wanted to talk to me about it in the new year. My heart dropped, it sounded ominous, until he assured me that it definitely wasn’t. But him feeling wrong about not being with me didn’t change my current situation. That I wasn’t with him and that’s where I would have rather have been. Being that I’m not one to tell someone how to live their lives I told him he made his choice where he was spending the night and that I was disappointed but I wasn’t going to make him feel guilty for not being with me. It’s not the way I roll. I hold my hurt and roll with it. Such is life right? Tomorrow would be a new day.

Epiphany nights? Oh yes, welcome NYE for me. I learnt something that night and as I said to him in the text message, I didn’t want to talk about it because it was making me sad. And NYE shouldn’t be sad, it should be fun. I wanted to enjoy my friends company. Little did I know that he had taken up a whole chunk of real estate in my brain and I couldn’t dislodge him, no matter what I talked about, or what we watched or what I drank.

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I learnt that somehow, even though I hadn’t wanted to, my heart-strings had sneakily attached themselves to this man I’d met. Not only had he snuck under my defences sexually. He’d done it emotionally too. But what do I do with this new information?

I spent a lot of time on NYE pretending to watch movies and thinking. I thought about how my last boyfriend had been with me, but he hadn’t been with me. He was there physically, but mentally, emotionally… he was vacant. I may as well have slept with a friend when it came to him. He was sexually uninterested. He was emotionally unavailable. I took stock of my current situation and I saw parallels that scared me.

As a FWB, the fact that Cern spent a lot of time talking to all his other women while we were together didn’t bother me, nor should it have. I had no emotional connection to him. Nor he to me. But with the added fact that I wasn’t spending NYE with him came the realisation that he didn’t have time for me. But that I also wanted him to have time for me. I couldn’t ask this of him. How could I? We were FWB. That would be changing things. He stated time and time again that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. And I thought I wasn’t either, yet this man pulled at me and made me want something I wasn’t ready to want. So what could I do? Where did this leave me? Us?

I didn’t sleep after midnight on NYE. In fact I was awake until 6am. I watched the sun rise. I laid in bed, tossing. Turning. Crying. Sighing. Kicking myself mentally but deciding that I can’t keep doing this. These are the patterns that I’m trying to break. I made a decision in those wee hours, with a hangover that would have killed anyone else and a headache from crying that would have toppled a better person. My decision? I would walk away from Cern.

I finally fell asleep about 7 am. But I was up again about 10.30 am as we were going with my urban family for a drive to a beach down south that was meant to have water clearer than any tropical island.

Having made a decision I actually enjoyed the time with my urban family at the beach, even if it was with a heavy heart, I knew I’d made the right decision. It’s easier walking away from something at the beginning than it is part way through it when you’re more emotionally involved. The water was indeed pristine. We got scared out of the water by sharks 4 times. But we used the boys as shark bait and made them swim at least 5 meters in front of us. Thanks Johnny!

On our drive back I got a text message from Cern.

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He needed to see me. I asked him when, he said that night. I got a bit confused, aren’t you staying with your other friend tonight too? I thought you were? He said no, he was leaving there to see me. He needed to see me. The urgency of his text messages caught me. Ok I said. We’re driving home now. It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive back to Sydney from Jervis Bay. We’ll be home about 7 – 7.30 depending on traffic.

I got a message from him saying he was at my place at 7 pm. I said we’re still on the road and that we’ll be there soon. We got home about 7.30 pm that night. As Johnny and I rounded the corner of my apartment I saw him sitting on the floor outside the door of my apartment with his laptop propped in his lap. The image made me smile genuinely for the first time in the last 24 hours.

He looked frazzled. Sitting there like that. And the knowledge that my insides were happy at seeing him didn’t pass me without me noticing. But I was more curious about what he wanted to talk to me about and why the urgency in needing to see me when he had established plans with someone else.

So I helped him inside the apartment…

Watch this space for part 2.

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Also don’t forget that I’m doing Kinky Q & A again now guys! I’ll missing this week but will post up questions next week. So feel free to email me : spankalicious.co@gmail.com or through my contact me page up the top!

13

Discombobulation. Sexual satiation and bliss.

Discombobulated – disconcerted – euphoric – ecstasy – intoxicated – heady – sexual – achy – blissed out… these are just some of the words that may explain where I am today.

Yesterday saw Cern talk me into going to trivia with him and some of his friends. He said the magic word, steak… and I was hooked. But apparently I had to have a garish Hawaiian shirt and a sparkly hat for the xmas theme. We did a spot of shopping and had a really lovely night, trivia was entertaining, his friends were also entertaining. I was glad I let him talk me into going out.

We had some really interesting conversations during him getting us very lost on our way to the other side of the harbour. We may have admitted to caring about each other just a wee bit a few days ago and I explained that usually in relationships I am never this open, or accessible or actually ok with a lover of mine sleeping with other women. Let’s put that down to the last 9 years of monogamous relationships. Poly is hard when it’s been so long! But, as I said to him, I don’t often get jealous of his telling me about other girls he’s dated or seen or talked to or hooked up with. I sometimes get a twinge of something which usually relates to my self value about myself more so than anything he was saying or doing, but it’s nothing like what I was used to and he asked me why I was so ok with him and the way our openness is at the moment.

I had to think about that for a while. And I honestly think it comes down to the fact that I trust him to tell me the truth and he has been, without pulling punches or becoming all vague like most men do because they don’t want to say what they are feeling in the fear that they are going to lose out on the sex. He just tells me stuff. And I appreciate that so bloody much. And that, I think, in and of itself is why I am so centered. I’m really secure. I know where I stand with him. I know that whoever else he’s seeing or dating isn’t going to impact us and that makes me know we’re good.

We still haven’t defined our friendship apart from what it is we’re doing right now. Even so, I’m ok. Surprisingly so. For some reason I feel safe with him and that’s all that matters to me now. Like he said to me, I realise that the level of openness I’ve given him access to could have blown up in my face… but I’ve spent years and years and years hiding behind walls. Being hurt is a part of life, if it doesn’t work at least I know I did this the way I would want any future relationship to be like. With total openness, honesty and caring. Whether he finds someone else that sweeps him off his feet or not, that’s beside the point. Right now, I’m happy. I’m happy with where I am with him. I’m beyond happy with the sexual chemistry and he smells good. Good gods he smells good. I could get used to smelling that man a lot.

We talked about a few other things too, but you know me guys, some things I like to play close to my chest. The rest is going to keep my insides warm for a while longer before I share with y’all.

However! Today… Today is blissful.

It’s that feeling you get from getting fucked so well and hard all night until the wee hours of the morning so that the next day at work your body feels small aches and pains, the twinge in your cunt from the bruised pelvis. The slight ache in your lower back from where he applied all his weight to slam into you harder from behind. The beautiful tremble in your neck when you stretch because he had his teeth biting down in that one spot. Remembering his moans as he kept sliding back into you and feeling the charged sexual energy between you.

Last night was an interesting rediscovery after his injury.

At first we were both a bit unsure, I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had and he was a bit anxious about if it was going to hurt. But just to be on the safe side I ended up swatting in the shower, with my back against the tiled walls as the water ran over him and sucked his cock. There’s something to be said about being pushed up against a wall while someone throat fucks you. It was hot. I gagged, spluttered, nearly drowned and every time he pulled out of my mouth I whimpered at the loss and leaned out after it with an open mouth for more.

Before long we’d moved ourselves into the bedroom and being the bastard he was, he made me stand, legs spread and made me count out the orgasms until 21. At which point he said I’m done and my legs gave out and I may have knelt in front of him while he was sitting on my bed. And so I went back to doing what I love doing, sating my oral fixation by worshiping his cock some more.

The sex – well, let’s just say that I think he’s making me realise some things that I obviously had no idea about previously. So as much as he says that I’m teaching him a lot, I think he’s also teaching me quite a lot too. His hands still electrify me, I don’t know what it is, they are so big and warm and make me tingle from the inside out. Or maybe from the outside in. Either way he man has a way with his hands and my body has a mind of it’s own when he applies said hands to me – all I can do is hold on for the ride. From the 4am surprise sex that was a bit magical to me. There was something different about our coming together at 4am. I don’t know what it was, but it felt like he was radiating desire. It’s like I was being wrapped up in his raw animal lust and desire and sexuality and it was intoxicating. I felt lost in it, to the point that I couldn’t get enough of him. He couldn’t get any deeper inside of me yet I wanted more. The orgasms were continuous, like a summer thunderstorm. I felt cleansed, dirtied, used, ravenous, fulfilled, desired and wanted all in one go.

Which may explain why I feel the way I do today.

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I’m kinda glad that I took the chance even though I know not where our paths are headed.

18

When the world feels secure again.

You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.

Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…

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Update time:

Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.

Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!

What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.

He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.

He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.

All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.

So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.

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The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.

Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.

Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!

Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!