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Dreams, reality or somewhere in betwixt…

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I still haven’t resolved my feelings about letting my partner impregnate his friend – I think. Some days my answer is yes. Some days it is still no. We are waiting to find a relationship counsellor that suits us both as yet. I’ve left it to him to pursue and get back to me as the counsellor that I put forward can’t see us.

In amongst this time I decided I wanted to change forms of contraception because the pill, after taking it for 20 odd years, was getting tiresome and the effects it had on my body were getting even worse. Yes it might ease my pain during periods but at the same time it took away my sexual urges, it increased my weight and trying to remember to take something every day was getting irksome. So I stopped and talked to my GP about other methods that were available to us as obviously Cern and I are totally not at a point in our relationship where we want more little Cern’s running around. The GP pushed for implanon, I advised that I wanted to go the route of less hormones – she advised that with PCOS that wasn’t such a great idea. I told her that I don’t care, I’m tired of fake hormones fucking with my body. I need to deal with my pain and find other ways around it. I need her to find me a way that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I walked out the Drs surgery with a prescription for implanon and not much else. I wanted an IUD as it was probably the easiest option in regards to insertion and then forgetting about it but she kept saying that it wasn’t the best option for me. I figured I would try to get a referral to a Gyno from another Dr and deal with an IUD at that point.

In amongst all this, I started to get really sore breasts. Not like when I was pregnant in my 20’s. This was a different kind of pain, it started from just on the outside and worked its way into the nipple. It felt like someone was scratching the skin beneath it in a way, yet at the same time a squeezing sort of agony. I put it down to my getting off the pill and my body telling me that I was going to bleed. For the second time within a month. Welcome to the lovely land of PCOS. And I did finally bleed. Right after we got back from our road trip to Victoria. My dreams of babies grew and my boobs still ached. I cried at cats on YouTube and to be honest, I cried at people laughing, talking, being sweet to each other and children dancing. Let’s just say I cried at everything. Which, as per my not being on the pill, is totally normal way of being when I’m about to bleed. Except the 4th day of my period I was doubled over in excruciating pain at work and wondered if the pain was really this bad all the time or if this was some “bitch, you took the hormones away and you’ll pay” kinda deal with my ovaries. I stayed at work. I did message Cern at some point and say that my uterus was trying to expel itself from my body because that’s how painful it was. People at work started to say I looked pale and noticed me hunched over my desk of breathing deeply through certain points. I got through the day and got a UberX home because I couldn’t really walk very far and the thought of catching a bus and a train and then walking home was beyond me.

The next day I didn’t go to work. I stayed in bed and felt sorry for myself because of the agonies I was in and the amount of blood-letting happening. I did go to the Dr to get a certificate for work and he made me have a blood test after I told him that this was my 2nd period in a month – the first being the one I had when I came off the pill. He gave me a certificate for work and told me he’d call me if he needed me to come back once my results were in. He called me 2 days later and asked me to come back to see him. Cern came with me while I went in to see said Dr. He told me my blood tests were rather confusing as my hCG levels were sitting at 15 which means that usually pregnant, but my bleeding means that I’m probably not so he said I was possibly half pregnant. I may have looked rather blankly at him. Ummm what?

He took out a piece of paper that explained exactly what that meant….

hCG levels and I was the 2nd one.

  • non-pregnant women – less than 5 milli-international units per millilitre (mIU/ml)
  • pregnant women, about 3 weeks after the last menstrual period (LMP) – 5–50 mIU/ml
  • pregnant women, about 4 weeks after the LMP – 50–500 mIU/ml

I was like, ummm wait. What? Back up a bit. What do you mean I’m half pregnant? How can I be half pregnant! I only just came off the pill! I was starting to believe Cerns infinite talk of his super sperm when it came to impregnating women. This isn’t meant to happen. I haven’t even had a month off the pill! I couldn’t be pregnant. Or remotely with parasite! I have PCOS. I said that to him, to the Dr. I have PCOS. Dr advised me that just because I have something and the general medical knowledge of how a body behaves with said abnormalities doesn’t negate the fact that you can still fall pregnant at the drop of a hat even though I’ve been told that I can’t fall pregnant after aborting my first all those many moons ago.

So somewhere along the line I had a 2nd and I didn’t even know about it that I’d lost???

Yes, he said.

<insert pregnant pause> <yes, I realise the double entendre>

So. Um. I say, what does that actually mean for me now?

He said I needed to come back in a week to have another blood test and booked me to have an ultrasound.

Oooooooooooooooooooook theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

I may have walked out looking dazed and confused and possibly laughing. So somewhere along the way he gave me my very of parasite and somehow I had no idea and now it was gone because I’ve been bleeding so heavily all week but my hormones are still showing that I’m definitely pregnant. But I’m also not pregnant. I could feel it in my bones and my body. I felt lighter, different. Cern smirked as soon as we walked out of the Drs surgery and said I told you I had super sperm. I wanted to slap his smile away but I ended up laughing. In some ways I guess it was a rejoice that, yet again, the Drs were proved wrong that I couldn’t conceive successfully without IVF.

The follow-up showed that everything was well and as good as can be minus a parasite. My hormones had returned to normal levels and the Dr advised that if I wanted to have a baby then my hormones were perfect to conceive. I said, no, no thank you, we’re good for now and walked out with a referral to a gynaecologist for an IUD.

I’ve been asked if I’m OK.

And you know, for having been pregnant, not known about said pregnancy and losing said pregnancy – I think I’m doing good.

What I learned from this experience? It’s hard to mourn something you never knew you had in the first place. It’s a welcome reminder that if I do want children, I don’t have to resort to IVF after all. I learnt that I love having Cerns fingers splayed against my lower abdomen while he whispers baby mumma in my ear. As disturbing as this is to my logical self, my illogical/emotional self warms at his touch. His possession. His fingers and hand burns its heat all the way through to my uterus and it contracts all on its own.

I knew I had a fetish when it came to watching men orgasm and feeling them inside me while watching their face would bring me to the brink of coming myself. There’s something to be said about feeling a man come deep inside you, beating at your cervix, filling it as they come. It makes me a wee bit weak at the knees. The pain and pleasure it usually brings is pretty spectacular. So maybe my orgasm fetish may have evolved.

However, last week I got my IUD. No more oppsy’s for us.

4 Comments

  1. Wow! I’m glad that your ok physically and emotionally. It was really interesting to read your thoughts and feelings about the past week or so. It’s also very nice to have watched your relationship evolve over the last two years or so. I’m very happy for you.

    • Thanks Phil!

      It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride but I think we work well together and honestly, I couldn’t ask for anything more. He looks out for me even when I’m being stubborn and thinking I’m ok when in reality if he hadn’t been there to catch me I’d have been a bit of a mess 😉

  2. Oy, that’s quite a path. I’m glad that you have reached such a good place and response to it. I think this is one of the cases where you don’t have to be okay with it, but you also don’t have to be not-okay with it. And taking away a feeling of love for & from your partner seems like a rather fantastic response. Best of luck with future fertility at exactly the level you desire!

    • Thanks Tim. It’s been a bit crazy!

      Definitely no fertility for me in the near future. One oppsy was quite enough 😉

      Hope you’ve been keeping well!

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