You know, the last 4 weeks have been an emotional turmoil for me on a lot of different fronts.
For the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning feeling settled. Centred. Whole.
Watch out for my awesome, now that it’s back there’s a high chance that I may develop mephobia… What’s mephobia you ask? Well, here, let me educate you on my amazeballness…
Scotty – there’s still no resolution on that front. I got an I love you message the other day from him. No word on her. I am not going to bring her up again. I did my bit, if she doesn’t want to go there that’s no longer my issue. I will see him next year, whether she likes it or not and we’re already planning our date nights together. I will try not to make it into a competition – however don’t quote me on that, especially if she turns into super bitch while I’m there. Then all bets are off, I may just marry him first if he’ll let me.
Cern – Hmm. This man is full of surprises. Not just sexually, but emotionally he’s been really rather supportive, even though he’s had his own hell he’s currently going through at the moment. I think it says a lot about a person when they can do something like that. Especially considering I’ve been frantically trying to set some boundaries for myself to work in with him. And right now, those boundaries are all blurry lines. But there are a few hard lines in the sand that I think are important ones and those are the ones that keep me secure in our bubble of whatever it is we’re doing – and he respects them and that I had to draw them. What lines? I guess for me I outlined why I had reservations about his other lass and me meeting or me tying her up or doing anything kinky with her at all – he was a bit disappointed, but understood my reservations and acknowledged why he sees me doing what I’m doing. I’m still keeping myself open to a lot of things with him, I can’t turn off bits and pieces emotionally – I wish I had that ability but I don’t. But yet at the same time I don’t fear anymore with him. And I think that’s a huge step. The fear has gone, that rail I had clung onto was left behind on Monday. NU, I let go of the rail!!!
What caused the change? I think it was that I was actually really bloody honest with him about where I was, why I was where I was and my fears and anxieties about everything, him, the other lass and me. Amazing how once you stipulate where you are, where they are and we you are as a unit, be it FWB, friends, dating, whatever… everything else becomes so much easier to deal with. And I think I’ve finally found some grounding in us.
He sat next to me yesterday on the couch at his place and read this very blog. While I was utterly mortified and wanted to hide in another room but he had a hold of my leg so the furthest I could go was to lie down on the couch and hope I fell through and he couldn’t see me. I didn’t fall through. I suffered a red face for a long time however.
He also asked me a question yesterday that I had to think about a bit. In regards to watching him do what he does to another woman while I watched. And I answered him honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could. But then said I needed to think about it. And so I did. Then replied to him with I think I could, but it would really depend on the other woman and how we related to each other. The last thing I want is for it to become a pissing competition about having his attention – or lack thereof, or anything else. And to be honest, it’s the truth. I think I would be ok with certain women, other women, probably not so much. But maybe this means that I need to actually have some kind of understanding and knowledge of the other person before it becomes a possibility. I guess I need to know that I’d still be included in a way. He said that I would be but my only anxiety would be that somehow it would be uneven – or that I’d feel left out. Or something. I don’t know, I guess it comes down to just doing it and dealing with the fallout after with communication and discussion to avoid any issues next time if there are any issues. Sometimes jumping into it is the only option left. Maybe we’ll have to jump into it.
All in all though, that’s something I’m not even anxious about and have a solid grounding in myself in regards to knowing that if or when I have an issue, I can go to him with it and he’ll actually listen. Everything else is background noise at the moment. I can live with that.
So I sent him a thank you message this morning. Because, even if he thinks that he hasn’t really done much, he has. He’s shown me respect where others have pretty much torn me apart. So being that I like acknowledging the good things that people do for me, even if their own life makes them want to hide under a rock at the time. I think it’s important. Well, it’s important to me to say thank you.
The world is definitely a happier place for me and I think that’s a bloody wonderful thing.
Ps. The sex is still out of this world. If anything it’s gotten a wee bit more intense. I was pretty sure I left my body this week when I came for the 550th time. Hmmm sex. Fun. Tick boxes. Yup, definitely still 2/3 in love with his penis.
Pps. So I totally got molestered by some of his Bad Dragon toys. There is a sex related injury story in here but I’ve been sworn never to tell anyone… so you all miss out. Blame Cern. Or ask very nicely in the comments and he may give in and let me post about it!
Ppps. For a girl whose arse hasn’t bruised in well over 13 years, he bruised my arse. And my breasts. And my arse. MY ARSE! It still works!! Happy tears!