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Aren’t we all alone, really? Mixed emotions.

I saw Cern last night, granted briefly, we coupled rushed and rough. I made him a very late dinner, which tasted amazing and we talked. He explained that he went there with the other lass over the weekend. The one that expressed a bit of jealousy of me. So today has seen me feeling a bit off kilter.

I’m unstable. My boundaries feel like they’ve blurred. So I messaged Cern this morning for clarification. Of my place in his life, which is so full already and now this. Should I take a step back and let them do their thing? What is my place? Does he have time for me in all this? He wanted to think about it, so I’m giving him space to do just that.

In the meantime this song came up in my music mix list and I thought I should blog about this. This feeling of dread that’s settled in the pit of my stomach.

We are all alone at the end of the day aren’t we? It’s about who we decide to share all the other bits of ourselves with.

So then I guess it becomes about knowing where I stand with Cern. I want to share bits of myself with him and every time I see him I feel like I have an emotional drop the next day. I don’t know what it is, but he leaves me emotionally frayed. The little things get to me. I get introspective and I start to question a lot of things.

So I’m hoping that with some clarification from him I can decide where I stand. If I’m just a fuck and nothing more than I can regulate my emotions for him and leave it as just a fuck once a week and get on with my life.

But without knowledge of where I stand I feel like I’m flailing around without much of an anchor.

Ps. Cuntmonkeyface still hasn’t replied to me. It’s now a week and a half. I’ve gone from being angry to contemplating going to Vegas and marrying him… I don’t know what to do now. Part of me thinks that she’s being a bitch and for that I’m not walking away from him for that. He’s a part of my life and I love him. Either way, I’ll see him next year. Whether she likes it or not.

31 Comments

  1. I wish for you that Cern could have responded vigorously and assertively that YOU are the one he wants in his life. Sigh. I’m sorry… I hope it’s an okay outcome when he figures out what he wants. I completely understand that desire to just know where you fit in so you can regulate your feelings accordingly.

    We probably know people in Las Vegas…maybe someone can stage an intervention and make her talk to you? xoxo

    • One day Ann, one day we are going to find men that vigorously & assertively opt for us.

      One day.

      I don’t see the point in forcing her to talk to me. I honestly don’t. I don’t care enough about her feelings to do that. I care about him though and this might hurt him. It’s a pity she can’t put his feelings above her own.

  2. Cuntmonkeyface! LOL
    Lets just turn up at her house and be all ‘no one ignores a facebook msg, what are you?!?! A fricken thumbless sloth?!’ Then I’ll moon her, just to offer some more crazy confusion to the mix. It might help! Orrr might get me a black eye.

  3. We are never as alone as we think we are. You mentioned your boundaries feeling blurry. Another way to say blurry is gray area. Play in the gray. Use the uncertainty to learn about yourself and the others in your life. If the boundaries are blurry push them to see what’s there.

  4. My two cents: if you had to ask him, you already have your answer. If you don’t know by now where you stand with him, then you’re a weekly fuck. Sorry to sound harsh, but guys put in effort if they really want something. You wouldn’t have to ask him.
    hugs
    You deserve better, my friend .

    • Ahh Beth.

      I’ve missed your wisdom.

      It’s so true too. I’ve been thinking about that today and trying not to get morose about it.

      I’ll take all the hugs I can get.

      Thank you. <3

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