The Sex Files: When it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Bad sex.

bad sex

You know it right? Those moments where you groan, not moan, you groan and wish he’d come already so you can ask him to leave.

Ever have those moments? I had one not long ago and it turned me off sex for a whole week. Then I had to organise to fuck a few men in rapid succession to make sure I erased that horrible horrible night from my memory. But every so often, it comes back. Like heartburn.

And thanks to the two lovely lasses over at Turning Lamebos into RainbowsΒ who started this whole ball rolling and a certain someone’s been riding my boobs about my post, so here you go Goaty, this one’s for you.

It was a dark and dreary night…

Oh who the hell amΒ I kidding? It was about 4.30 in the afternoon and I was rabidly horny and just got home. So I called out to my housemate to see if she had plans that night. She said no. I said I was thinking about bringing over some guy from an adult fucking site to do me and she said she’d join me. So we searched and this one guy reached out to me. He seemed nice enough. He said he was kinky. At this point I didn’t really care how high his IQ, I was wondering how high his penis would get. So I said sure, come over. I’ll meet you down the street at 6 pm. Yes I work fast.

He turns up since he didn’t live very far away. I ask him my usual questions to ascertain he isn’t some crazy killer and then proceed to walk him back to my house.

He wore a sweater, I kid you not, like those sweaters you see those cute geeks wear, except he wasn’t cute or endearing. He was a british gent. His accent gave him away. He mentioned in passing as we walked up to the house that he was into feet. My alarm bells went off at this since I don’t do feet. I don’t like feet. They are gross.

But I had an internal monologue go like this:


Horny me: Oh shut the fuck up you prissy bitch, I want to get laid.


Horny me: How bad can this be? Surely he’s like most guys, he uses his penis where it counts and we’ll get off right?


Horny me: She’ll be right. You just wait and see.

Oh I should have listened to my sane half. Damn you controlling cunt! You took over and ruined my sexual escapades for a whole week! TRAUMA! ER! TRAUMA AHEAD!

So as I opened the front door, my housemate pokes her head out of her bedroom to give him the once over and sniffs. How does she know these things?! She looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I shrugged. How bad can it be?

We get into my Β bedroom. I pull the door closed behind me and tell him to get comfortable on the bed.

I sit on the edge of the bed and ask him what kinds of things he’s into. He says feet again. He asks me how I feel about feet. I tell him that I think they are the grossest things on the planet. He looks a bit sad and I figure he’s going to get his dick wet, what’s with the face pulling?

I look at him and he looks at me. I huff and tell him to take his clothes off. This is going to be automatic. I just needed to get off. At this point I was wishing I’d just used my hitachi. He follows my instruction and gets naked. I tell him to kneel on the edge of the bed and masturbate to me masturbating and when he can’t take it any more to move up the bed and ask me if he can put his face where my hands are before I allow his cock near me. He nods eagerly at this. Subby boys, at least you know where you stand with them.

I start slowly masturbating. Letting my fingers trail up and down my labia, pushing in and exploring. Before long I’m slowly moaning. It felt sooo good I forgot he was there.

Until I feel the bed move that is. And he crawls up the bed and whispers “Can I please lick you?” I look at him and say “What? What did you say? My cat talks louder than you do.” And he asks again. “May I please lick your fingers and your cunt?”

“Better”, I tell him and let him go to town. His workmanship needed a lot of uh, guiding. Maybe he wasn’t used to being face first in a cunt before? At any rate I started to get frustrated so I told him to stop and fuck me.

He shuffled up the bed and positioned himself between my legs as I was still sitting upright. And then he grabbed my foot with his hand and started massaging it as he tried to poke his penis in. I looked at my foot alarmed and wondered if he would ever get the badger in and if I should call an end to this right here and right now.

However in amongst the turmoil that was my sane self and horny self screeching at each other that it will be ok, he finally got his penis in and as he did that, he put a toe in his mouth.

I may have made a rather shocked noise, my housemate called it a kind of keening. I can’t remember. I was traumatised. He pumped his hips with no enthusiasm whatsoever all the while his hands and his mouth were all over my feet.

I was so shocked I may have sat there like a stunned mullet. I didn’t think I was making noise, my housemate later said she nearly barged in to check if I was ok due to the ongoing high keening noise coming from my bedroom she said she’d never heard me make that noise before.

I wish she had.

He quickly stopped his boring pumping of his hips to sit on the bed with my feet and touch them to his penis as I looked on horrified. I tried to say no but all that came out were my high pitched eeeeee noises. Then before I could crawl away he came.

Not on my feet. No.

All over my satin bedspread and my wall.

I looked at the mess with my mouth hanging open.

He looked at me and grinned.

I threw his clothes at him and told him to leave.

My housemate made me lots of tea and gave me biscuits to make me feel better later. While she laughed at me for being silly and going there knowing he was a foot guy, what was I expecting? I wasn’t expecting that!! I’d never been with a foot fetishist before! I was expecting to get off!

I never EVER want to fuck a foot fetishist again. EVER.


I put this one down to taking one for the team.

Never again, I tells you, never ever again.


    • Yes, I can laugh about it now. Glad you enjoyed it πŸ˜‰

      It was pretty horrific at the time πŸ˜›

          • I am kinda neutral to feet. Some people’s are icky. Mine are nice I think. I had an FWB guy who LOVED feet and it was sorta strange to not be asked for a pic of tits but instead “those pretty feet in nice fishnets”. Hmm.

            I’m learning all about fetishes now given my new website membership. People are damn strange.

          • They are! I’m not a huge fan of feet.

            They are just full of all kinds of yuk. Bacteria to other grosses. I can’t do it lol

            Oh yes, welcome to the weird and whacky! There’s some strange fetishes out there!

          • Oh there will be heaps you didn’t know if, trust me. I’m still learning new ones!

  1. I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing either. I wasn’t sure I could finish reading this, I was laughing so hard. I know this is unlikely but I sure wish we could meet some day. I love your blog so much! πŸ˜€ xoxo

    • Hee I’m so glad you’re enjoying my blog. Thank you πŸ˜€

      Here’s to hoping! I’m often off travelling so you just never know πŸ˜‰

  2. OMG! I don’t know whether to laugh of feel horrible for you! The things that you have to endure!

    I am so glad that Will is NOT into feet. I do enjoy a good foot massage after a long run or hike, but there is NOTHING arousing about having that. It doesn’t turn me on in the slightest. If Will touched his cock to my feet, there is no way that they would be coming anywhere near my kitty. NO WAY!

    • Thanks Savannah πŸ™‚ You can laugh, it was horrible at the time but I got over it quick πŸ˜‰

      You’re right, no penis that goes near my feet will be touching anything else. Pitty he had to mess up my bedspread & wall though.

      I was swearing a lot as I cleaned!

      • The nice thing about Will is that he just doesn’t fire that stuff anywhere (he hates to let it go to waste) willy, nilly. Well, we both actually enjoy it. I guarantee that even he wouldn’t lick it from my feet. πŸ˜€

        Uh oh…TMI? πŸ˜‰

        • No, but I guess random men don’t get that. We have the same kind of deal with Cern’s to be honest πŸ˜‰

          Never TMI!

          • Well, random men don’t have the commitment to such splendor! πŸ˜‰

          • OMG, there is NOTHING as sexy as a wet and sloppy cremey kiss with the man who made it the creme! πŸ˜‰

          • Hmm we opt for other uses but yes, I do agree that I love Cern after he comes up and I can smell and taste myself all over him and his beard. It’s just yum πŸ™‚

          • I love to come up to Will after he’s finished…oh the way he opens his mouth to receive it from me is divine! What a rush!!

  3. Omfg hahahahahahahajhahagagaashhsgahahaah faaaaark sharn!!

    I was reading this last night on my tablet and my battery ran out but not before I glanced further down and saw ‘toes’ and ‘mouth’ together. Then the tablet went black and I sat there in the dark with a horrified look on my face for god knows how long and wondered if I could get the courage to read it – I fully have a toes phobia.

    In conclusion, that’s fucking hilarious but sooooo disgusting!! If it was me there would be one more thing to add to the mix – i’d totally vomit on him if he sucked my toes πŸ˜€ but I would have run away squealing as soon as he touched my foot so it wouldn’t have got to that point πŸ˜‰ hahaha

    How is it hygienic though?!?!?! I walk around in bare feet all the time! I don’t know how people can be cool to suck dirt and dust off a foot. Ugh I feel sick :S

    • Hahahahahahaha!

      I’m so glad you get it! It’s just horrifying to me! It’s eeeewwwwwwww!

      You poor thing, hope you didn’t dream of toes πŸ˜›

      Is not hygienic! It’s gross! Get sweat like mad to regulate body temp. They grow SHIT! It’s wrong.

      All wrong.

      You’re welcome. This is your fault. You wanted to know hahaha πŸ˜‰

  4. Damn, you make it sound so sexy with the way that you describe it, Goat! :-p (yuck)

    • Glad you enjoyed my story.

      It was fucking traumatic. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Learn from my mistakes!!

      Don’t fuck a foot fetishist if you have a foot phobia πŸ˜›

  5. “It felt so good I almost forgot he was there….” lmao….oh I’ve thought that several times in similar situations before.

    Sooo gross. Definitely one for the team. Now I know another kink to avoid! Thanks Champ!

    • HAH! If I had the sense to I would have. I was too traumatised to do much but keen apparently!!

      You’re welcome πŸ˜›

  6. hahah that’s a horrible story! I also think feet are gross (living in Thailand is perfect for people like us haha). Next time ask the guy up front what kind of stuff is into. I mean, before you actaully meet them πŸ˜‰

    • Oh I didn’t realise he was that big into it! Otherwise I’d have backed off a lot more.

      Trust me πŸ˜›

    • It’s ok, you can laugh. This was a pretty funny bad sex experience for me (only because it’s been so long since it happened!)

      Oh maybe I will write up a future blog post titled “Questions to ask to avoid being killed by a future shag” ! I think it could be helpful πŸ˜‰

  7. Hopefully some day you’ll look back on this and laugh. As for me I’m laughing now. Great story!!! I’m sorry about the bedspread and wall though.

    • Oh I laugh, this was about 3 years ago now πŸ™‚

      Glad you’re laughing too!!

      Thanks for your comment πŸ˜€

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *