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Poly trials and new discoveries

Well you guys know that I’ve been seeing Cern, the new FWB.

I’ve also been in contact with Scotty a lot over the last week – about the upcoming Vegas trip next year, Burning Man and my accommodation for both.

So let’s start with Scotty, shall we?

I was chatting to him the other day saying that I was thinking of staying at the Golden Nugget in Fremont because it’s one of my favourite hotels in Vegas when he mentioned that I should be aware that I may end up cancelling the room. Prior to all this he had said that I would be cancelling any room I booked. So that was flag number one for me. I knew his new fiance wasn’t feeling quite ok with me. Which is fair enough. If I were in her shoes and some blast from the past was coming to town I’d be feeling a bit unbalanced too. I pre-date her in his love. I get it, it doesn’t hurt less though.

So I asked him then if he would be ok with me messaging her on facebook to reach out before I go there so that maybe we can start up a friendship and she may feel a bit more comfortable that I’m not coming to town to mess up their relationship and that I’m not a threat of any kind. He said he thought it was a wonderful idea and that she’s be totally open to that.

Cue my writing her a message 4 days ago.

4 days of silence.

I started to cry every time I thought about it 2 days ago.

I told him, as I would have told her if she’d given me the chance, that I only want him to be happy. His happiness means the world to me. He’s a beautiful person and she makes him happy. Which makes me happy. I just want us all to get along because I don’t want to lose him from my life if his fiance isn’t ok with me. Because being the person I am I would walk away from him to ensure he stays happy with her. Even if it means I lose another piece of my heart. It will hurt like all fuck to lose him, but knowing his happy would make it worth the pain I feel.

Based on this interchange I’ve also decided that I’m going to camp with Goaty at Burning Man instead of relying on Scotty’s camp for a home. Which, for me, is really disappointing because I’d hope to lose my BM cherry with him. But I figure Goaty and I can do it together and still have fun. If anyone can take my mind off the heartache from losing Scotty, it’s her.

4 days of silence. Tomorrow is day 5. Have I lost him? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

So then, let’s move onto Cern. Cern Cern Cern.

He of the amazing penis that makes me bleed every single time. I’m convinced he’s tearing me every time we fuck. I can’t have my period for 2 weeks. That’s just stupid. Plus I’m on the pill. That doesn’t just happen.

Apart from the stupid amount of laundry I’m going through (I’ve never washed this many sheets in such a small a timeframe before) he’s wormed his way past my barricades and into my heart.

So when he told me about his workmate, who he wants to go there with, who is in some weird situation with her fiance – I didn’t think it was the best of ideas, however who am I to judge? They are both adults and it’s their choice. When he mentioned that they’d talked and she’d expressed some jealousy about me I started to get nervous.

He says she’s poly. So why am I nervous? Because, just like with Scotty’s fiance, she pre-dates me. I’ve only known Cern for a few weeks, even if it feels like he’s always been in my life. Does he feel strongly enough for her to drop me to the side if she asks? Maybe. I’d hope not, but maybe. It’s a chance I have to take. During our lovemaking the other night, in the shower later he said he felt my walls. I apologised. I really am sorry, but I need to protect myself somehow. He’s so new, I know that this is me, ME putting the walls up. Not him. Not his behaviour to me, not his communication with me. It’s all me.

I own this.

I don’t know how to drop those walls though. I’m so scared of the potential he has to hurt me that I don’t know how to drop them now that he mentioned the other girls jealousy of me. It shouldn’t matter, logically I know all this. I know that with every relationship he has with someone else, I have to trust in what he feels with me to be solid. But when it’s just 2 weeks old I don’t have that grounding. He says that we aren’t going to be FWB eventually, he feels something is going to come from what we’re doing. But we are now and I know, logically at least, that I have no hold over him. I have no say over anything. He’s a free agent. I love that he spends his time with me so freely, that he’s so open with me that he showers me with apologies when he knows he’s crossed a line, not just in text but he records messages and sends me recordings. He fiercely grabs me when I’m least expecting it to kiss me and apologise again for hurting my feelings with his throw away comment.

His hearts in the right place.

My hearts in the right place.

Neither of us are in a place for a relationship of any magnitude. I don’t expect this of him. I told him the other night that I don’t expect anything other than what he’s willing to offer me. He mentioned that he felt my barriers coming down while we were fucking and that’s why he stopped. He doesn’t know it yet but he passed a test with that. I didn’t know whether he would respect my wishes to not push that boundary yet and he did. He respected me. To many this might not seem like a big deal.

To me it is. Out of all the relationships I’ve had recently I don’t know that I had the respect or the attention he gives me when he’s with me. I think it’s another reason why he’s snuck in. When we’re talking and we’re together, we’re in a bubble. Intellectually, we click. He’s a geek, I’m a geek. I showed him some of my perverted comic books this week and he got it. It tickles his fancy that he saw a weeping angel on my bookshelf. That I have a tardis night lamp and a Green Lantern lantern on my bookshelf. We mesh in a variety of ways. He’s a paleontology student, I’m a geology student. He gets my stupid jokes about the smell of rain being dead animals. He sent me to play a game online that was like a perverts text based game where I eventually got molested by a centaur. I had a gargoyle sex toy and if I ate certain fruit I’d have to masturbate furiously or fuck something – I laughed so hard and got rather wet playing it. So yes, he has the potential to be more. We’ve talked about poly and he’s never really considered it before, he’s always been in monogamous relationships so the thought of being poly is really appealing to him right now. Which is great, I think there’s a different level of self understanding that comes with being able to be poly.

Look at me for gods sake, I’ve gone from doing monogamy for the last 8 years to going back into poly and struggling all over again. I think monogamy is easy because you trust in your partner to be emotionally faithful to you. And I think I am struggling with going poly again because I’m having to rediscover all those old feelings of inadequacy, of self-worth and self-confidence. I lack these so badly – and that’s just because of my baggage, my past and gods only knows that I’m working on them. The scabs are raw from where I’ve picked incessantly.

Which is why I think that all this is affecting me so much more than it normally would. I’m dealing with emotional connections to people and dealing with my own issues at the same time. Issues that play a huge part in how I feel that others view me. I feel like I’m in the centre of something and all these strings are leading out of my heart to other hearts and they are taut. One flick and they may break. I may break.

It’s exhausting being this highly strung.

So some way I need to settle my feelings for Cern. I feel like I should take the leap. To hell where it leads. Throw all caution to the wind and go for the ride. Yet another part of me thinks I’m insane and is holding onto the rails.

I’ll let go one day.

Just maybe not today…

36 Comments

  1. Oh Honey. HUGE hugs to you.

    I’m sorry that you haven’t heard from Scotty’s fiance. It’s sad to think that you may lose that relationship, especially knowing that you just want him to be happy.

    I was serious about potentially going to burning man, I’ve always wanted to do it…perhaps this would be the perfect year 🙂

    I empathize so much with where you are at. Although our struggles have different aspects, I can relate to being highly strung. It’s so much more difficult to deal with these things when you are already tapped out of emotional reserve.

    I don’t know that I have advice to offer. It sounds like Cern is pretty great. What would happen if you told him you wanted to take that leap?

    • And huge hugs back to you.

      You of all people know where I’m at, I know. You’re dealing with your own stuff too. So I expected this to resonate with you.

      I know, I cried writing this thinking of losing him all over again. Silly isn’t it? Someone I met briefly, stayed with for 3 weeks and have kept in contact with forever. Uft. Men. How do they get in so easily and why can’t I dislodge them so readily?

      I hope she comes around. Everyday I wake up and check my phone before I even get out of bed. I’ve now taken to waking up at all hours of the night checking my phone for a message. It’s getting silly. I don’t know if I should get back in contact with him to check if she’s gotten the message yet or not, but I don’t want to come across as pushy. Maybe she needs more time to deal with me reaching out to her? I don’t know anymore. All I know is that the continued radio silence is killing me softly every day.

      I think it’s the year for Burning Man 🙂 We’ll be there definitely either way if you decide to do it, except I can’t promise I won’t be a mopey bitch that may need occasional kicks up the butt and gropes of Goaty’s awesome boobs. <3

      Yup, no emotional reserve here either. I'm going on empty and highly strung.

      Cern is pretty great I think. I obviously have a lot to still learn about him. But he's still very much an unknown quantity. He wants me to take the leap 😉 He said he'd catch me and that I have nothing to worry about from him. But for as much as he says he wants me to, I'm scared that I'm so new to him that he doesn't have any invest me to. Does that make sense or am I just being paranoid?

      • Oh I can SO relate to the checking of emails like that. On more than one occasion. Brutal.

        I would definitely reach out to him to confirm she has the email. It can’t make it worse, I dont think.

        Hey we can be mopey bitches together. I am not sure I would do any groping but never say never I suppose!!

        Andrew would tell me the way to really know someone is see how they treat other people, not you, because someday you will just be a other person. It struck me as brilliant and Cern seems to hold up well under this rule.

        Well, you are new, and two weeks isn’t a relationship, but I believe you can know someone pretty darn well pretty quickly – at least on a number of fronts. Everything else takes stress and time to see… So something to consider 🙂

        Good luck figuring that out with all the other complications and relationships in your life!!

        • Yeah, it is a bit brutal.

          I did write to him. He said that they are currently on a family holiday up north and that she probably just hasn’t had time to deal with it. He followed with he loves me and misses me so I told him I’d try not to stress at him about it and wait. The waiting. It’s going to kill me.

          Sure, I can do mopey, I have it down to an art form at the moment! Mopey, teary, all the above!

          Andrew sounds like a smart cookie. It’s one of the things I look at too, how people treat other’s and their relationships with others. It’s an important thing to know.

          You make a good point. 2 weeks isn’t long and I think I am stressing out early. I may need to take a chill pill. It’s all so hard!!

          And thank you 🙂

        • Hehehe well Ann if I grope yours, it can be a groping conga line! 😀
          No moping around me, from either of you! Or ill be forced to entertain you with ridiculousness like using a pogo stick for the first time (I don’t think that’s going to end well..)

  2. Such a shame about Scotty. If that girl is poly then why does she worry?
    When I read that bit about you struggling to open up I thought that I understood you completely. I have been hurt so many times before and I get when people close themselves after certain things that happened to them. I sometimes wish it would be easier for me to be able to do that too, but I could never do it and end up getting burnt every time.
    I thought about this poem by Andrea Gibson after I read your post http://andrewgibby.tumblr.com/post/40069114609/im-never-gonna-wait-that-extra-twenty-minutes-to

    • It is a shame. And I hope it works out. Even now, I really really hopes it works out.

      I don’t know why she worries if she’s poly. He said it’s because she knows I’m also a geo student, am geeky, am bi, am open to poly relationships… all that shouldn’t make her jealous in my books though.

      Thank you so much for the poem, it explains how I feel so well. <3

      • I think she’s probably aware that you two have more in common than just sex and that there’s a small possibility that he might fall for you. Anyway, just be careful. I really do hope they get back to you.

        • That’s what I thought too, but then being poly means that she should be ok with him falling for me. I find it all so highly confusing.

          Thank you, I will be 🙂

  3. I wanna play that game haha!

    In other news, I hope that things work out. I’m not poly, but I find a monogamous relationship hard enough and could only imagine the extra stressed of having to worry about fiances etc!

    • The shall we jump game?

      I’ll let go if you do 😛

      And thank you NU. This open honest communication is such a hard thing without the emotional retardedness that I have at the moment. I think I just need to make it through the breaking down of my baggage and what I mean to other’s in their lives and I’ll be good 🙂

  4. Whats the worst that could happen with cern? You’d end up on your own again, which a few short weeks ago you were (I presume) comfortable with.

    Yes you’ve got emotional attachment but unless he does some drastically horrible to you, its all the normal ebs and flows of life – shit happens and awesomeeeee happens! I think you’ll never know whats going to happen until it happens.

    I know I’ve already told you this but sunshine, go with the flow. Don’t stress about the what ifs, live in the moment. And if you want to think about the future then remember to think about the good things that could happen too! Its 50/50. Balance. It might look like you’re sitting on the fence but hun, you ARE the fence. Which way are you facing? BOTH.

    Woah that analogy tripped me out. I’m either getting way too philosophical here or this ant bite is actually a spider bite.

    Sending a naughty boob distraction your way with some virtual (shirtless) hugs attached xx

    • So true.

      I don’t lil miss philosopher.

      Good analogy. I need to keep remembering I can give and take only what I’m given. ZEEEEEEEEEEEN!

      Where’s mah boobs? <3 You know we're going to have to race off to the toilets over xmas to do a shirtless booby hug.

      • Sorry i got distracted (story of my life really)!

        Hahaha like 2 drinks in and i’d do it in the pub. Who would complain about that anyway? 😀

        I’m so tempted to say something lame about ‘particles colliding’ with you and cern.. Hahahaha

        • Lol you have no idea about the particles.

          It’s so true though. We are like particles colliding. Often and intellectually. He’s good that way.

  5. Lady sweetheart, I’m so sorry, that’s so stressful. I am hoping that good things have happened since you wrote this and that you haven’t been perpetually waiting for her response.

    Cern – why do they always sneak up on us like that, when we’re not paying attention and not ready for them? He’s got a powerful allure, doesn’t he. The way you write about the sex is so hot!

    Poly is hard, there’s no doubt about that. But I think you have to give this coworker – and Cern – the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like they’re communicating and being aware of what they’re feeling, not that the coworker is preparing to use any veto power she may have.

    Something that I’ve felt for a while now is that, when doing poly, you have to have a higher tolerance for ambivalence and conflicting emotions. That good and bad come together, and you have to just be with the bad and embrace the good.

    It sounds like you may not be in a place emotionally where you can sustain that kind of ambivalence for long. That’s something worth thinking about. The part of you that put your boundaries back up can tell, and that is just fine. You do what you need to protect yourself because uncertainty can be a very painful thing.

    But also…stop over-thinking if you can. 🙂 There’s a lot in both situations that you can’t control. Cue the cliche about how you can’t control what happens but you can control your reaction. Just let yourself be in the moment with Cern and try not to let your fears and anxieties in.

    I don’t know….

    Lots of breasty hugs!

    • No, still no response from her. I’m now just angry. And annoyed.

      You are right about Cern. The sex is amazing and I keep offering what I do and trust in what he’s offering me. I think sometimes (read I’ve had my period for 3 weeks now) means that I’m also feeling emotionally retarded. Cern and I are really awesome when I let it go. So I’m going to keep trying to do that.

      Thank you lovely. I hope I can sustain it. St least for a while.

      Xx

  6. I’m highly strung too and while most of the time it’s wonderful, like you’re really feeling everything the world is sending your way like you’re supposed to (that sounds a bit weird but oh well) it can be exhausting, especially if the feelings are negative.

    • No I get it, I think there’s zen to be found in that state too. But sometimes it’s really very exhausting when it’s negative, I agree.

      I think I’m in a better place mentally this week. I feel a bit more secure in myself and I’m keeping those lines open for more positive things.

      I hope the universe provides 🙂

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