I’ve also been in contact with Scotty a lot over the last week – about the upcoming Vegas trip next year, Burning Man and my accommodation for both.
So let’s start with Scotty, shall we?
I was chatting to him the other day saying that I was thinking of staying at the Golden Nugget in Fremont because it’s one of my favourite hotels in Vegas when he mentioned that I should be aware that I may end up cancelling the room. Prior to all this he had said that I would be cancelling any room I booked. So that was flag number one for me. I knew his new fiance wasn’t feeling quite ok with me. Which is fair enough. If I were in her shoes and some blast from the past was coming to town I’d be feeling a bit unbalanced too. I pre-date her in his love. I get it, it doesn’t hurt less though.
So I asked him then if he would be ok with me messaging her on facebook to reach out before I go there so that maybe we can start up a friendship and she may feel a bit more comfortable that I’m not coming to town to mess up their relationship and that I’m not a threat of any kind. He said he thought it was a wonderful idea and that she’s be totally open to that.
Cue my writing her a message 4 days ago.
4 days of silence.
I started to cry every time I thought about it 2 days ago.
I told him, as I would have told her if she’d given me the chance, that I only want him to be happy. His happiness means the world to me. He’s a beautiful person and she makes him happy. Which makes me happy. I just want us all to get along because I don’t want to lose him from my life if his fiance isn’t ok with me. Because being the person I am I would walk away from him to ensure he stays happy with her. Even if it means I lose another piece of my heart. It will hurt like all fuck to lose him, but knowing his happy would make it worth the pain I feel.
Based on this interchange I’ve also decided that I’m going to camp with Goaty at Burning Man instead of relying on Scotty’s camp for a home. Which, for me, is really disappointing because I’d hope to lose my BM cherry with him. But I figure Goaty and I can do it together and still have fun. If anyone can take my mind off the heartache from losing Scotty, it’s her.
4 days of silence. Tomorrow is day 5. Have I lost him? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
So then, let’s move onto Cern. Cern Cern Cern.
He of the amazing penis that makes me bleed every single time. I’m convinced he’s tearing me every time we fuck. I can’t have my period for 2 weeks. That’s just stupid. Plus I’m on the pill. That doesn’t just happen.
Apart from the stupid amount of laundry I’m going through (I’ve never washed this many sheets in such a small a timeframe before) he’s wormed his way past my barricades and into my heart.
So when he told me about his workmate, who he wants to go there with, who is in some weird situation with her fiance – I didn’t think it was the best of ideas, however who am I to judge? They are both adults and it’s their choice. When he mentioned that they’d talked and she’d expressed some jealousy about me I started to get nervous.
He says she’s poly. So why am I nervous? Because, just like with Scotty’s fiance, she pre-dates me. I’ve only known Cern for a few weeks, even if it feels like he’s always been in my life. Does he feel strongly enough for her to drop me to the side if she asks? Maybe. I’d hope not, but maybe. It’s a chance I have to take. During our lovemaking the other night, in the shower later he said he felt my walls. I apologised. I really am sorry, but I need to protect myself somehow. He’s so new, I know that this is me, ME putting the walls up. Not him. Not his behaviour to me, not his communication with me. It’s all me.
I own this.
I don’t know how to drop those walls though. I’m so scared of the potential he has to hurt me that I don’t know how to drop them now that he mentioned the other girls jealousy of me. It shouldn’t matter, logically I know all this. I know that with every relationship he has with someone else, I have to trust in what he feels with me to be solid. But when it’s just 2 weeks old I don’t have that grounding. He says that we aren’t going to be FWB eventually, he feels something is going to come from what we’re doing. But we are now and I know, logically at least, that I have no hold over him. I have no say over anything. He’s a free agent. I love that he spends his time with me so freely, that he’s so open with me that he showers me with apologies when he knows he’s crossed a line, not just in text but he records messages and sends me recordings. He fiercely grabs me when I’m least expecting it to kiss me and apologise again for hurting my feelings with his throw away comment.
His hearts in the right place.
My hearts in the right place.
Neither of us are in a place for a relationship of any magnitude. I don’t expect this of him. I told him the other night that I don’t expect anything other than what he’s willing to offer me. He mentioned that he felt my barriers coming down while we were fucking and that’s why he stopped. He doesn’t know it yet but he passed a test with that. I didn’t know whether he would respect my wishes to not push that boundary yet and he did. He respected me. To many this might not seem like a big deal.
To me it is. Out of all the relationships I’ve had recently I don’t know that I had the respect or the attention he gives me when he’s with me. I think it’s another reason why he’s snuck in. When we’re talking and we’re together, we’re in a bubble. Intellectually, we click. He’s a geek, I’m a geek. I showed him some of my perverted comic books this week and he got it. It tickles his fancy that he saw a weeping angel on my bookshelf. That I have a tardis night lamp and a Green Lantern lantern on my bookshelf. We mesh in a variety of ways. He’s a paleontology student, I’m a geology student. He gets my stupid jokes about the smell of rain being dead animals. He sent me to play a game online that was like a perverts text based game where I eventually got molested by a centaur. I had a gargoyle sex toy and if I ate certain fruit I’d have to masturbate furiously or fuck something – I laughed so hard and got rather wet playing it. So yes, he has the potential to be more. We’ve talked about poly and he’s never really considered it before, he’s always been in monogamous relationships so the thought of being poly is really appealing to him right now. Which is great, I think there’s a different level of self understanding that comes with being able to be poly.
Look at me for gods sake, I’ve gone from doing monogamy for the last 8 years to going back into poly and struggling all over again. I think monogamy is easy because you trust in your partner to be emotionally faithful to you. And I think I am struggling with going poly again because I’m having to rediscover all those old feelings of inadequacy, of self-worth and self-confidence. I lack these so badly – and that’s just because of my baggage, my past and gods only knows that I’m working on them. The scabs are raw from where I’ve picked incessantly.
Which is why I think that all this is affecting me so much more than it normally would. I’m dealing with emotional connections to people and dealing with my own issues at the same time. Issues that play a huge part in how I feel that others view me. I feel like I’m in the centre of something and all these strings are leading out of my heart to other hearts and they are taut. One flick and they may break. I may break.
It’s exhausting being this highly strung.
So some way I need to settle my feelings for Cern. I feel like I should take the leap. To hell where it leads. Throw all caution to the wind and go for the ride. Yet another part of me thinks I’m insane and is holding onto the rails.
I’ll let go one day.
Just maybe not today…