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Friends, fucking and love contemplations

Today I read a quote that I had to share because I’ve asked myself some of these questions while I take the time to heal myself:

“I asked my ex, now good friend, if she would ever have an open relationship and she said, ‘No, I don’t think I could do that’ then after a pause and a smile, ‘but what about love affair friendships?’

She went on to describe an impenetrable fortress of female friendship, her own group of best mates who’d known each other since school and had supported and loved each other through almost all of their lifetimes. They sounded far more bonded to, and in love with one another, than their respective husbands.

It struck me that we don’t have the language to reflect the diversity and breadth of connections we experience.

Why is sex the thing we tend to define a relationship by, when in fact it can be simple casual fun without a deep emotional transaction?

Why do we say ‘just friends’ when, for some of us, a friendship goes deeper?

Can we define a new currency of commitment that celebrates and values this?

Instead of having multiple confusing interpretations of the same word, could we have different words?

What if we viewed our relationships as a pyramid structure with our primary partner at the top and a host of lovers, friends, spiritual soul mates, colleagues, and acquaintances beneath that?”

—Rosie Wilby, “You’re More Polyamorous Than You Think”

I think there’s a whole host of relationships that we have with other people and this quote has made me sit and think about these friendships, relationships, loves. For some friends who I love with all my heart and I’m totally in love with them as people.

I believe there’s a whole other world out there that could explain that we all do lead poly lifestyles in a way without even realising it. We give our love without thought to those we hold dear but don’t fuck. So why does only the ones we fuck count as loves of our lives? I’ve had more deep and meaningful relationships with some friends than I’ve ever had with partners.

So why do we focus on fucking for meaning when there’s meaning in so many other areas? How does this all tie in to me though? Sex is really important to me, but it’s not the be all of me and how I relate to people.

But I had to put this here to remember to think outside the box while I keep working on myself.

44 Comments

  1. That’s a pretty brilliant quote. I LOVE the point about “Just Friends”. “Just” diminishes the power of a relationship that often far outlasts that of a lover.

    Thanks Sharn. It’s a great post with a great point and food for thought. Well done!

  2. This is such an interesting discussion, Sharn. My perspective is that some of us might be incapable of separating fucking from the deeper bond that forms within a relationship. In my marriage, the sex IS far deeper than our bodies simply feeling and giving pleasure. There is an incredible soul-tie that is formed between my wife and I that is extremely liberating. In the last five years, especially, the connection has grown to extend beyond the bounds of description.

    Both of us have entertained fantasies of adding in another person into the equation but the fantasy stops there. One might think that jealousy would be a significant risk for this in our marriage should the idea of another participant be added to the mix, but that is not is simply not the case. The desire to see each other immersed in pleasure is so strong, but the soul tie is far too strong to allow us (individually) to receive it.

    I don’t know if I am articulating this well enough to convey what is on my heart.

    WC

    • I get what you mean but I’ve had deeper connections with friends than I have partners so this quote to me especially speaks volumes about various relationships and how we limit ourselves terming them correctly to cover the full depth 🙂

      • I have had some very deep connections with women friends and without a doubt, one or more of them could have progressed into one that included sexual release. Obviously, cheating on my wife is entirely out of the question so, I never opened myself up to that. Who knows what the future holds in that regard as my wife and I are always talking and entertaining ideas for our pleasure, but things remain entirely between the two of us (and that is perfectly fine with me).

        You are shedding light on the other aspects of this sexually open concept (for lack of a better term). I thank you for that, Sharn!

        • Your are welcome 🙂

          And that’s the relationships I’m talking about. “just friends” doesn’t really cover a lot of my friendships. We don’t have sex but we do have an intrinsic and deep connection.

          I think it’s important that we can say that sex isn’t the be all and end all of all relationships, with a variety of people. Yes, it can bring you closer to your partner or wife, but without a sexual connection can be just as deep and it doesn’t have to be about sex.

          • Ha! I think I read straight through this point as I take these sorts of relationships for granted (not that I am minimizing them in any way) as I have many of varying connections – meaning that I am very close to some people and sex has nothing to do with the relationship. This seems to be so conventional for me, so the sex-consideration was where I thought you were leaning towards with this.

            My apologies for misunderstanding you, Sharn!

          • Not a problem.
            Where I was leaning was trying to remind myself that sex doesn’t make or break relationships and that we do need to remember that we have some amazingly deep and meaningful relationships that don’t involve sex and that’s a wonderful thing.
            I think we all get so focused on sex that we can not give credit to relationships outside of that.
            And just because we don’t have sex doesn’t make that kind of relationship somehow devalued than another I guess.
            Like the quote says, I think we all do poly really well in friendships. One day we’ll all be able to take an extra step and maybe enlighten ourselves to accept sexual relationships in the same way!
            Again, this could just be me being optimistic lol

          • Well, we certainly didn’t do poly very well. 🙂

            Perhaps someday, sex will be as acceptable as a handshake? 😀

          • Polyamoury being the act of loving more than one person 😉

            So I’m not sure what you guys did falls into being poly.

            And the point I’m trying to make I guess is that it isn’t about sex as a handshake.

            It’s sexless relationships being as loving and connected as a sexed relationship.

            If you can love more than one person in that sense then what’s to stop being able to love more than one person with sex?

            I would hope that we could all be self aware enough to be able to do that. But I don’t hold out much hope for humanity 😉

          • Sorry, I jest too much! I was having fun with the handshake comment. 😉

            I agree that sexless relationships are as connected. My wife and I have an amazing, sex-filled relationship. My mother and I have a great relationship (clearly lacking sex). Both are very loving and connected and yet very different from each other. The same can be said about another woman friend that have. We have been friends for years and I trust her with almost anything in my life. It is very loving and connected and yet sex isn’t even a remote possibility.

            I get the concept of being able to love more than one WITH sex. I just don’t know if that (like every other unique aspect of human existence) is something that everyone could embrace. However people go on cheating on their SOs.

            As far as our “poly” attempt, I suppose that it wasn’t in the truest sense of the idea. But it did involve three of us in the process. I suppose that I am/was the weak link in the scenario. 😐

          • It’s all good, I guess the handshake comment might be valid, but for me it just spoke of devaluing what sex means usually to something that was used as a greeting which can be fleeting with random strangers. And that wasn’t the point I was trying to make 🙂

            I think cheating on SO’s is an entirely different kettle of fish to an open and honest relationship with the people involved loving more than one person or having relationships with more than one person. One involves deception & dishonesty. The other embraces being honest and open with love, with others, with having a relationship with more than one person. I just don’t think they are even remotely connected!

            I don’t think you attempted poly though, what you attempted was just having more than one person included in a sexual fantasy. To me polyamory has a deeper meaning than a threesome. I’ve had plenty of threesome’s, they weren’t close to being poly 🙂

            Couples that can have aren’t all poly either. Some just like having a 3rd for spice every now and then and have a closed sexual relationship. Other’s just enjoy the third and move on.

            And there are some triads I know where all 3 people involved are all dating each other and in love with each other and it works really well. And that to me is a poly lifestyle.

            We each deal with certain things in certain ways, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Maybe you need to just look at why you behaved the way you did and be honest with yourself about it. I think you’ll find that you’re just not in a place where you can think about anyone else sexually and that’s ok too 🙂

          • I am the last person who would consider devaluing sex as it means so much to me and my wife. The connection on so many different levels, extends so far beyond simple pleasure. The oneness that we have together is akin to an out of body experience. What we feel together is more like our bodies and souls truly becoming one. This is why it was so difficult for the situation (that my wife told you about) we had while ago.

            Thank you for clarifying the very real meaning of poly, triad and threesomes from you personal experience. That means so much to me (I am a novice, can’t you tell?)!

            I am hard on myself because I still struggle with letting my wife down and a very wonderful woman that was left utterly dismayed and confused. I have been completely honest with myself and yes, you are absolutely correct in your assessment of me.

          • Happy to clarify stuff WC, always happy to 🙂

            Don’t be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, the learning processes is that we hopefully don’t make them again!

          • As I have said all along, there is a fun connection that I feel with you. That you don’t get frustrated with my comments and questions, is very telling of your the open and friend-oriented personality that you have.

            I am an friend-love with you. 😉

          • Naw shucks, stop it, I’ll blush 😉

            Thank you though.

            I’m in friend-love with you two too! <3

          • Now that we have that established, does this mean that this is a sexless (yet leaning in a sex-filled) relationship? 😀

            Sorry, I couldn’t resist inserting that into this conversation. 😉

          • Only for most of the year WC, only for most 😉

            Granted you’d both have to agree to a time share with everyone else that claims me for a period of time while I’m there, from family to my lovers 🙂

          • You are in high demand! 🙂

            We also have to overcome a few challenges (me specifically) before then, but the thought right now is one of excitement and lots of smiles! 🙂

          • I’m happy to give hugs and have tea 🙂

            I think everyone just loves my hugs to be honest. And I make a mean tea!

          • Well, sorry. I am taken. 😀

            My grandmother taught me. She learned from her proper English-born mother and her aunties how to brew. But, that isn’t the half of it. Knowing the best blend is paramount for an enjoyable pot. I take mine black, thank you! .;-)

          • Black is the only way to have tea! I refuse to make heathens tea that ruin the taste with milk!

            Where they brought up in a barn? What is that?!

            It’s ok, I may now change my profile to say must know how to make proper tea. 😀

          • Good heavens…milk? In tea? 🙁

            The same goes for sugar!!!

            Absolutely! Low brow heathens, to be sure.

            What do you mean “change?” Your profile has other wording that isn’t quite suitable for this discussion? Why yes, you had better change it, toot sweet!

          • Yes milk. In tea. It makes me weep.

            I often add a dollop of honey to some of my more bitter brews, but usually no sugar either 🙂

            Yes, I better lol

  3. I think to be able to separate sex from love from marriage, it takes someone who is very self aware. Our also takes a partner/friend/lover to also have that same level of awareness.

    I simply think it is a matter of very few actually achieve that state of enlightenment.

  4. Maybe these are just words that us, humans, created to define our reality.Girlfriend, boyfriend, bisexual, gays….maybe all that exists is love and it doeesn’t matter what form it takes.

  5. I completely agree with you, about love taking many different forms and some of them having a deeper sense of connection. On a slightly different note, I did research on that article and quote a little bit further and it kind of reminds me a conversation I have had with someone before; how people seem to mistake exclusivity for commitment. There are exclusive relationships without commitment (some friends of benefits, etc) ; and there are committed relationships without exclusivity (open relationships). But I guess that’s a topic for another day:)

    • Hi and thanks for your comment 🙂

      Yeah, I realise there’s a whole other discussion waiting there to happen. But I’m currently sifting through some of my baggage so am relating posts to that for the time being.

      Although one about open relationships will be coming soon. I’ve been made an intriguing offer 🙂

      And again, welcome!!!

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