32

Scotty : The low down

I spent this morning connecting with all my men that were overseas. My best friend always and sometimes lover, J and Scotty. So based on that I thought I should go into details about things I may have omitted before.

I’ve also finished chapter 1 of my American travels – but I wanted to go over my friendship/relationship/whatever-ship with Scotty. You can get access to all the travel stories through the new menu option up the top that I’ve made for all my debauchery.

What I didn’t go into with my posts about my sexual exploits across America was my relationship with Scotty. I touched on it, but since 2011 we have been in contact. He asked me to marry him continuously for just over a year after I came back.

I never took him seriously, I thought he was caught up in some holiday romance and that he’d find someone close to home that would love him as much as he needs and deserves to be loved. Last year after my breakup I was seriously considering his offer. I was going to go to Vegas and marry him, to hell with the consequences. I knew we got along, I knew we had amazing sex and I thought for once in my life I was going to do something that was so out of character for me that would make my life turn on its head for once. I was going to marry him. Right after I went and did Mardi Gras I was going to spend time with him in we’d finally go get hitched and then I’d have to sort out the rest of my life and how we were going to make it work. Except I met Loki and it didn’t work that way.

We often joked while I was there that we’d get married and I wanted it to be a classy affair. In a bright pink Cadillac. Through the drive through registry. I said that I’d give him a congratulatory blow job before we’d even pulled out of the registry drive through window with the hood down. I’m such a classy bitch sometimes. We joked and laughed so hard I had tears. He joked that he would introduce me to his friends as his future ex-wife, until I said that if I do get married it’s a forever deal. There is no future ex-wife. I’m only doing this marriage thing once if I have to and by golly he was fucking stuck with me if we did. He stopped saying that after that discussion and just started referring to me as wife.

Obviously our lives were led differently. I never felt like we were in a relationship where you talk every day, you check in, you chat about nonsensical things. If I saw him post on Facebook about something that interested us both, we’d have a chat about it on messenger. If he sounded like he was having a rough day, I’d message him to see if there was anything I could do to help. Today he had a rough day to do with his family. I sent him virtual hug pictures. We thought of each other, we are connected, yet through the last 3 years I guess the reason I didn’t take his marriage offers seriously was because I never felt that he actually wanted me. There was no pursuing, no barrage of contact, no communication. Yet when we did communicate, once a month or so, it was like we’d never stopped talking. Today was no different. So a little part of me that I left with him aches because I feel that I might have missed something there. I didn’t pursue it hard enough, did I miss something?

True-Love-Quotes-True-love-doesnt-mean-being-inseparable-it-means-being-separated-and-nothing-changes

But I guess for me, what was different was that being the way I am and having my own pitfalls and baggage, I thought he just wasn’t interested in me enough for me to pack my bags and fly to another country. For if I felt that he felt that strongly I think I would have done it years ago. Isn’t it funny how words, with distance, need that constant reassurance that you are desired and wanted. For me, there was none of that. I heard the words “marry me” but I didn’t see or feel the follow through with it. Would I have acted differently if he had pursued me a bit harder? Yeah, I think I would have.

He is now engaged to a lovely lady and they are deeply in love and obviously well suited for each other. He dreams of a poly household where we all live together. As it is, I’m adamant I’m going to Burning Man next year. He said he is organising a trailer that sleeps nine so I am to camp with them. I’m hoping that the tickets come through and if they do then camping together is going to be interesting.

He wants me to move to Vegas because I mentioned that I’m a bit starved of affection here. There is just no one that holds my interest, no one that I want to spend time with and no one to give me cuddles. I feel so isolated. He said if I lived there with them that I would have all the love in the world. And I believe him.

So then the question becomes where do we go from here? For me it’s still one step at a time, I need to finish my degree before I can even look at moving overseas since I can’t really get a visa without a job and I can’t get a job that will sponsor me without my Science degree.

Does this change the things as they are? No, not really. I’m still not dating anyone. I’m not going to. I think I just want to focus on me, getting myself fitter, better mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place once I feel better in myself. I know this.

What do I do with Scotty? What we’ve always done. He’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always think of him and have that piece ache. Will he ever have his happy poly family? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I think I need to do more soul-searching before I can answer that question.

But for now I’ll give him my love, because I give that freely anyway to those I feel deserve my time and energy. And remember to give myself some loving too.

32 Comments

  1. Hmm…burning man…I had a friend invite me, too 🙂

    Yes you should love yourself but the soul-searching is important. I’m doing it too…literally right now. I wish I had answers but I just have confusion and more questions. Such is life sometimes, I suppose.

    xo

    • haha the irony, I’m writing you a comment now.

      And you should totally go to BM then! Who knows, I may bump into you on the playa 😉

      x

  2. I don’t know Sharn. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. I’d say leave it alone. I think you went with your gut and what worked for you at the time. If you’re meant to have a poly relationship, you will. In the meantime, wouldn’t you rather invest in yourself?

    I’m in a similar boat as far as fitness goes. Once you start tackling that, the world will seem infinitely brighter. It just sucks trying to get into the habit.

    • Oh I have no other intention than focusing on myself at the moment.

      I spent the morning talking to Scotty so felt that I needed to work through some of my emotions and thoughts toward him and what is on the table.

      Good luck with your fitness goals too 🙂

        • The writing about it? No. Not really. I’m still really conflicted.

          I miss him.

          One day eh? Yeah. Maybe that.

          • That sucks. I’m sorry. There has to be some forbidden fruit element at work though. Maybe? Granted, given the poly thing, he’s not exactly forbidden. But you knew what I mean?

          • He’s not my forbidden fruit, I think he’s more the one that got away but hasn’t really gone anywhere.

            I feel torn when I think about it all. And that probably doesn’t make much sense at all lol

            Maybe once I feel better in myself I can find a way through this tangled mess I’ve woven myself into too.

          • I think that’s 85% of it!!! Really! It’s just so hard to start and keep momentum that guest two weeks. 🙁 But it makes such a difference in your confidence in your ability to fix things and make things happen. At least, that’s how I feel about it. I wish I could get closure where Mike is concerned. But my take is, why bother? It is what it is.

          • Oh it’s not the momentum that’s the issue for me.

            It’s just getting on top on my depression and health issues. Once the health issues are sorted my depression will go with it because I’ll feel better in myself.

            With Scotty there isn’t anything to fix, per se. Our relationship has always been what it is. I don’t want to fix it. He loves me, I love him, there isn’t anything I need to change there except maybe my own thinking process and my own baggage.

            Can you not just talk to him to get your closure? Sometimes a talk does wonders.

          • If I thought he would be honest. The thing that’s weird is, this woman is in his prayer group. He’s joined a church that he used to belittle. Evidently he needs this, but frankly, I don’t trust this “church”. I don’t want to question it right now. But this woman he has feelings for? They’ve never actually met in person. With him that may not matter. But I’ve been concerned about manipulation. But he’s a big boy.

          • I had another friend join this “church” and now she is estranged from her daughter, me, and anyone else who isn’t a member.

          • We texted. He said he will always love me and the friendship is far more important (isnt that what guys tell themselves to wiggle away graciously?) He said our lives took different paths because I was a singer and he was a business man! I asked him if he thought I’d end up with a trapeze artist????? That was absurd.

          • Really? I love him so much. But then again he’s been there for me in more ways than I can count. I could never run away. But maybe you’re right in terms of him being wrong for me. I never even considered that because I was so mad about him as kids, that when he vane back intuitive my life I thought we were meant to be together. I knew it probably sounds silly. But it’s true. So I never even considered anything else.

          • You can’t hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held..

            Obviously I don’t know your relationship but from someone who doesn’t know what’s going on it sounds like he’s being an ass about something that doesn’t or shouldn’t keep people apart. Which makes me think that maybe he’s just not interested? If he was then he would be signalling back, right?

          • Just curious. Why did you say he sounds totally wrong for you? You’re probably right. But I’m curious, if you don’t mind…

          • Just because from what you’ve written his disinterest is really clear. There’s no way he could be right for you with that attitude. You deserve better.

  3. Not really sure what to say on this one without sounding trite! I do believe that is something is meant to be, it will be though! And if it’s so much like hard work and it hasn’t happened by now, it probably isn’t meant to. You’ve already got here but keep working on yourselves and making you happy – that’s the most important thing! Guys come and go – and the ones that got away? They were probably meant to 😉

    • Thanks Linda 😀

      It’s actually not that much hard work, it’s just been something that’s been playing in the back of my mind for 3 years 😉 Obviously the fact that we live 14 hours flight away from each other isn’t going to ever make it easy. But hey, when we did have the time together it was out of this world!

      And you’re right, I am going to keep making myself happy. And I’m on track. I’m actually feeling lighter this week than I have in months.

      Thank you <3

  4. Thanks Sharn and Linda. You’re both right. Frankly, I’m inclined to think part of the appeal was the safety of the distance. Which is good to know going forward.

  5. You know… I understand that there is sadness and an ache here, but at the same time, I feel like there’s something really beautiful and hopeful in the story of Scotty. Like, when all else fails, when you’re ready to give up your life in Australia, you have this little dream to fall back on. This isn’t the story of a missed opportunity but of future potential. A comfortable fantasy that you can wrap around yourself like a blanket when the future looks a little bleak….

    • I sometimes think that then think that I’ve missed the boat so to speak. Does that make sense?

      I guess I’m scared that once he does get married I won’t be needed any more. Or loved. I know some part of it is my abandonment issues. I know that he loves as freely as I do.

      Yet it still scares me. It’s a long way to go for a maybe. And I think it would kill me if he didn’t have time for me after he gets married. I really don’t want scraps because he feels sorry for me. But then I think I’m being irrational and have no right to ask anything of him but what he is offering.

      Ultimately though, I miss the fucker.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *