I was thinking this should probably be a 2 segment post, but then I couldn’t be bothered. So now you guys get the big long story.
Pull up a pew, get your cuppa ready and some biscuits and a blankie.Sometimes I think that I met Loki is a bit of serendipity – because it doesn’t feel real, most times. I think that’s the hard reality of long distance relationships. All you have is the other person’s voice to go on and as much as I hear it day in day out without the personal touch it makes it so much more harder to ground it in the here and now. Those 3 weeks we spent practically devouring each other is the only thing keeping me going.
I was totally preparing myself to be the mad cat woman for the rest of my life, getting a property somewhere, opening a traditional Turkish tea house somewhere with pets allowed to romp and roam with patrons while they sip their tea and play their games under vines that are flowering. Who knows, maybe this will still be a reality some day…
I wasn’t expecting things to work out with Loki, I wasn’t expecting to end up in a long distance relationship. I didn’t expect .. well this. I was one of the first people who used to scoff at long distance relationships. They never work, distance is too great, relationships are hard enough when you’re both in the same city let alone different cities… or in our case, on different sea coasts and a 18 – 20 hour flight between us. Most days I am secure in our tentative long distance relationship, it works, sort of. I have moments of thinking I’m insane and what if he decides he hates me after spending more than a month with me, then I have to slap myself out of it.
But now I feel the pressure from life going on here and now, continuously, I have a million different things that need my attention. From my mother, to my sister, to my studies, to Loki, to working full-time and studying full-time… my friends, my other curricular activities. I feel the pull of the tide dragging me under more often than not and that’s probably because I have exams in 2 weeks and I feel about as prepared as a newborn being asked to walk. I’m feeling the pressure and all I want to do is honestly be able to hide in his embrace and not be an adult, for a night, a few hours, a few minutes, a few deep breaths of my face in his chest and his scent enveloping me.
Tag Loki, you’re it.
So how does this relate to baggage? Last night during a conversation we were having, he mentioned joint account if we ever got married and I might have freaked out a bit.
Ok, so not maybe a bit but a wee bit bigger than a bit.
You see, I had an ex where I invested about 110% into the relationship. Only he was putting in about 20% and getting someone else pregnant behind my back. We had a joint account. It didn’t end so well, nor did it work so well and I got lumped with fees for that account because I couldn’t find him to get him to go to the bank and ask the account be shut as well, so it stayed open and the fees kept adding up. So not only did I end up having my sexual health jeopardized, my heart smashed into a million pieces I also had to pick up the financial pieces because I was studying full-time and working nights to make ends meet while he didn’t work.
Therefore when Loki casually threw out that we’d have a joint account where all our funds would be and we’d both access it without impunity I had a mild break down.
Wind back about 25 years and I remember my mother telling me that if I ever get into a relationship that I should always make sure that I have my own funds, have a shared account but make sure that if everything goes to shit I have a way to keep standing on my two legs. I guess that was her baggage from divorcing my father who was squirreling away her hard-earned money to send back to his family in Turkey without telling her and leaving us destitute.
Combined with my experience with my ex, I totally agree with her.
I remember reading somewhere that a majority of fights in relationships happen due to money issues. So the thought of having a joint account but having my savings nest egg appeals to me. It appeals to my independence, to my feelings of being secure if everything falls to shit. My out.
Yet then he said something that made my spinning head stop for a minute.
He said to trust him.
Two simple words.
It was like it echoed in my brain for about 5 minutes while the rest of my processed this bit of information.
My emotional self rose to those words and wanted to believe in them. My logical self set about in a very vulcan like manner and explains all the pros and cons of this situation and how many women have fallen into the same pit that I fell into by trusting a man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and who burned me so badly I was a bit of a wasteland for a year.
What has he done to earn my trust? Should he have to do anything? Of course he shouldn’t… Shouldn’t I just trust him anyway? I trust him with my life, why can’t I trust him with my savings? I mean it’s not like I don’t spend money on him, isn’t that pretty much the same thing?
So then I thought about it and I thought about it some more and it isn’t fair that I project my insecurities on Loki. It’s not. But at the same time I need to feel that our financial security and my own financial security shouldn’t be fully wrapped up in one parcel. Yet at the same time I feel that it should because isn’t that what couples do? They share everything right? I’m so confused I don’t know whether I’m coming or going on this one and I don’t know how to resolve it in my head.
Plus he’s never shown me anything but patience and love…. even when I’m being bleeding bitch queen from hell. He’s so sweet and here I am questioning it all. He’s never really given me reason to pause and wonder. Yet I think half the issue is that I don’t get to feel it through touch, through experience, through just being able to breathe the same air.
There’s something to be said about living in close quarters that gives you insight into a person without them having to talk.
So I took a deep breath and let it go. What will be will be, no?
But in the meantime…
How do other couples do it? Do you share all your funds? Do you both have savings next eggs that you’ve agreed to keep for that rainy day?
Or do you just throw everything into one big pot and hope for the best? If you do, do you have a financial plan?
I like knowing that I have a safety net if/when I need it. This means that I’ll scrimp on things to make sure that I have a savings account balance that makes me feel a bit secure. Am I insane? Does my wanting my savings pot mean that I’m signing the death warrant of a relationship that’s barely begun?
Have I lost my marbles?