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Reformed lesbianism? Is that even a *thing*?!

Reformed what?

I’ve written before about monosexism & my bisexuality.

As mentioned in that post, I was a lesbian before I became bisexual. I’m not going to go into that again with this post. What I did want to talk about was my transition. My journey. My experience.

And my love of women. And men. And possibly some of my relationship epiphanies.

It started young you know, I was kissing girls behind the school toilets when I was 7.

We started experimenting with more than just kissing in the long grass at primary school, possibly about age 10.

I got very familiar with vagina’s during this experimentation period. Don’t get me wrong, they were very confusing, yet endlessly fascinating to me. Look at that YUMMYNESS!!!!!

Sure I experimented with girls, but I didn’t really have a girlfriend until my late 20’s. Like a proper girlfriend. Move in together and be monogamous kind.

My experimentation period through high school led me to believe that I wasn’t interested in men at all. This could have had something to do with the abuse I had suffered earlier at my cousins hands, or it could have just been that sexually I just wasn’t interested in men at this stage. I tried to be. I had a sort of boyfriend in high school to try to quell the quiet “lesbian” that was whispered behind me as I walked past. I hated kissing him. He was prickly where women were soft and smooth. He tried to drown me with his tongue when girls were tentative in their kisses, their tongues never felt like they were trying to rape your mouth. I don’t know how to explain it except that it was like a gentle caress compared to a punch in the face.

I found women comforting, I felt safe to be myself in their presence. I felt safe disrobing and being examined in detail. From the tiny hairs under my arms to the joy that is the folds on your partner’s vagina. A womans touch is sure, its soft, it’s kind and when it’s strong, even then it feels like there’s a sense of power…

I think we all feel a sense of pressure to behave a certain way when we’re with men, that they have to be the physically strong one. And that we somehow have to conform to this idea of what we or they think a woman should be. How she should behave, what she should wear, how she should speak.

For example I swear. A lot. Mainly because I believe that swearing is warranted and if people weren’t douche burgers and I wasn’t such a clumsy git then my language might not need to be so colourful. My mother often tells me that a lady doesn’t swear. I often reply that it’s a good thing I’m not a lady then. She then shoo’s me off like I’m crazy.

However when I’m with a man as soon as I disrobe I feel self-conscious – like I need to be a certain shape, or size or look to be sexually attractive. Yet with a woman I feel that our curves, our beauty is within how we carry ourselves, how we portray ourselves and how we let other women see us because I do believe that we allow other women to see the raw side more than we allow men.

So when I accidentally fell in love with a man not long after starting in the work force in my early 20’s I felt somehow like I was shunning my other half. Is this what it was to be bisexual? I thought I was gay. But maybe I was straight now? So I suppressed the half of me that lusted after women and found them to be fascinating goddesses.

During my coming into the kink world I rediscovered my queer half, I just wasn’t sure how to make it mesh with my straight half. Did this mean that I could have threesomes all the time? Did I need to? I mean, I’ve had a few threesomes in my time, a few foursomes and moresomes… but those were mainly with partners. Or at least with friends.  Did it mean that somehow I had to be all these different things? How did I find me in between my straight self and my queer self? Was I poly or just trying to be because it was easier than being monogamous?

I had so many questions and it wasn’t until I experimented and tried various things that I slowly started to come to the realisation that I don’t have to be one or the other. That it’s ok to just be fluid. I met people who were just as fluid in their sexuality and I found and still find that titillating and stimulating.

I could stop trying to fit myself into a cardboard box! I wasn’t this or that. I wasn’t just straight. Or gay. I was this hybrid that fluctuated from one end of the spectrum to the other on any given day. I started to realise that I didn’t really care what people identified as, I didn’t care if it was a penis or a vagina that was in their pants. Or if they identified as stone, femme, butch, androgynous or whatever.

The person behind the mask was the engaging and intriguing bit. Their mind, the twinkle in their eye, the curve of their ass… their hand gestures or language, their accents, their scent… it became all about the other rather than just gender.

And it was like a liberation for me. My epiphany. My self realisation…

I could just be and that’s ok.

With all partners I was monogamous, granted our goal posts of monogamy moved depending on where we were in the relationship… they evolved to let other’s into our relationship when it suited and we closed ourselves off when needed. Through trial and error I figured that poly lifestyles were bloody hard work and I don’t think I have the heart to have more than one relationship going at the same time, but time and various people have changed my views somewhat.

And I realised that unless someone can accept me for me, warts and all… then it just wasn’t worth the heartache or being with them, no matter what potential was there… sometimes love isn’t enough – and that, that is the most hardest and hurtful thing in the world. To walk away from someone you love with all your being because what they want and what you want are never going to coincide.

So here I stand, tall, somewhat broken and bruised and still… to this day, still trying to figure out how to be myself – yet in being myself allow someone else to love me for me.

For in wanting love & acceptance, we sometimes forget and forgo that which is ourselves to make the other happy when we shouldn’t be forgoing anything and letting the other love us for who we are. And loving them in return for who they are…

And with that quote I think I’ll end it. Because I think a relationship can be very many things, but just viewing it as someone you go to give is a nice thought. One that I think could be expanded to include things like helping your partner reach their dreams and where they want to be in life… but I think giving… well giving just might cover it all.

7 Comments

  1. Fantastic story. We always want to be able to sort things into boxes, even ourselves. I know I went through a period where I felt I was somehow too different. It’s not nearly the same thing as what you went through, but I was still searching for a box. I think we all feel liberated once we realize we don’t HAVE to choose any box. Even if we do, we don’t have to stick with it for life. We can change, and that’s okay.

    • I still catch myself trying to shove myself into a square box sometimes because I should fit right?

      And you’re right, we can change and it is totally ok! And needed most of the time.

      I’d like to think that we change as life changes us, we get sweeter, like aged wine… better somehow at ourselves and that in turn reflects to how we interact and give to others.

      And thank you TK 🙂

  2. This is wonderful. And exactly how I feel about people too. I don’t care about gender. I like people. I just haven’t found a woman thus far to date. But I would. I think I really ran from that lesbian title growing up as I was constantly called it (and as an insult) starting when I was 8. And I didn’t want to prove my tormentors right. But as an adult I can see how silly it is to deny myself someone I want.

    • Thank you 🙂

      I think it’s important that we can actually say you know what, it doesn’t matter what the package is, it’s who is inside that matters. And that should be across the board for friends as well as lovers.

      I know the feeling with the lesbian insult. I couldn’t figure out if I was meant to be offended or not when called one as a derogatory term.

      And you’re very right. There is no reason to deny ourselves a chance at loving someone and knowing someone.

  3. Reblogged this on Spankalicious and commented:

    Tomorrow, our internet is back tomorrow! Watch this space for a plethora of updates.

    Till then I thought I’d reshare my reasoning behind my gender and sexual identity.

    Enjoy sweeties!

  4. Such a good post. I hate being labelled because I don’t like be defined and thus limited. Good for you for taking the step to move beyond the shallow!

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