And no, I don’t mean the L word as in the lesbian TV series, although it was a great soft porn show… if I do say so myself.
[Source]So let’s talk about that funny thing that makes us all giddy, high, scared, neurotic and warm and fuzzy about another person.
Loki texted me last Tuesday. He texted me something that made me pause. I felt my heart skip a few beats and then flutter to life and beat stupidly fast as I grinned like the cat that got the cream. Literally.
His message? I <3 you
My reaction? Awwwwwww I <3 you too.
While we were on the phone together mind you.
And you cop-out! You said it via text! He acknowledged that he copped out and said he wasn’t sure of my reaction. That’s half the fun of saying it for the first time isn’t it? Not knowing?
We then went on to talk about it a wee bit and it came out that we both started thinking about it at the same time and thinking about it. I know that night that he said it, I’d been thinking it every time he said something sweet. And I’d say “I love you” in my head. But I wasn’t sure that I was ready to say it out loud. I think if he’d given me a few days I would have eventually said it. I fail at keeping secrets and it would have slipped out at some point without my realising.
I started to think about the L word concept in regards to Loki a few days before this event. Thanks to P!nk and her song about love.
Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There’s no one quite like you
You push all my buttons down
I know life would suck without you
At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You’re an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I’m still here, or where could I go
You’re the only love I’ve ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be
True love, true love
It must be true love
Nothing else can break my heart like
True love, true love,
It must be true love
No one else can break my heart like you
Just once try to wrap your little brain around my feelings
Just once please try not to be so mean
Repeat after me now R-O-M-A-N-C-E-E-E
Come on I’ll say it slowly (Romance)
You can do it baby
Why do you rub me up the wrong way?
Why do you say the things that you say?
Sometimes I wonder how we ever came to be
But without you I’m incomplete
The bit of the song where she is going on about how she wants to hug him and wrap her hands around his neck. I have this urge repeatedly. Every day. He’s lucky there’s the Pacific Ocean between us sometimes because I would love nothing better than to yell at him in person. It’s on days like these that I miss him acutely.
All these feelings though, I don’t know how to deal with them. I’ve never really had my buttons pushed like this. And don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love that he pushes me, there’s a constant struggle between us most days. And other days its serene. Calm. He makes my inner turmoil quiet down and if I’m not feeling well he soothes.
Rosie keeps asking me how I am dealing with the distance. I keep saying OK most days. And most days they are. And some days, like today it’s a physical ache I feel deep inside. Has it only really been 3 weeks since I saw him last? 3 weeks has felt like an eternity.
He mentioned that he didn’t want to say anything before because he has a habit of falling hard and fast. I don’t. I fall slow, I take my time and one day I wake up and have a light bulb moment and figure out that I’m so smitten that I didn’t even realise. I guess the months and months of talking helped. But I should have because the rest of the world is usually forgotten.
The hours we spend on the phone to each other every day is what grounds me. It frustrates me to tears that I can’t be there for him. That I’m so far. I think it’s really important to articulate how much I do appreciate him and what he is bringing to my life. Even if it’s not in person but just over the phone and video. He is my motivation for studying because the quicker I finish, the quicker I get to be there instead of here.
And to make matters worse, we’re planning together. Planning things for later. For us. And this is a foreign concept to me. I’ve never really planned a future with any of my partners. I’ve never really been on this much of a roller coaster before either. And it’s got nothing to do about the distance and everything to do with how he makes me feel. I feel things that I haven’t in a relationship. I’m usually so calm and collected. He makes me messy. In so many ways.
So as much as he drives me crazy, as much as I want to kill him only to kiss him back to life… he is also the only person that I’ve ever really contemplated a future with. And that scares me most days. Yet other days I’m secure in the knowledge that he has my back and is ready to pick me up when I fall. Which I will do, because I’m a clutz and have a habit of falling over pixies.
Plus, the sex is pretty awesome – and when he says things like “I could face fuck you to Closer by NIN” I turn into a puddle of “yes please now, thanks” ….