For all that aren’t aware, in 2011 I went on a great big road trip across the States. And figured instead of being a mopey bitch I would regal ya’ll with some funny adventures.
I took off with a few shirts, a few shorts, my favourite dress, a few pieces of underwear and a few books. An electric toothbrush, a jar of Vegemite, a tub of The Body Shop’s Mango Body Butter and my phone.
Boarded a plane thinking that I would blissfully be able to sleep on the way there so I didn’t have jet lag. But of course I didn’t. You see the gods always conspire against me and I had this devil spawn sitting right behind me that kicked my seat for 13 hours.
Even after I asked it’s owner to please have it refrain from doing so lest I lose my shit in a totally undignified and un-PG rated way. To no avail. I might have threatened it with death during hour 11. I got about an hours respite. I may also have told it’s owner that next time she might want to give the spawn some Xanax, I was even nice enough to offer her some of my stash. Don’t ever say I’m not a giving kinda gal. I advised that she might want to take that into consideration if only to make sure that someone else doesn’t throw it out the emergency exit. Which I wanted to do really badly.
But by this stage I was so excited that I had landed in America that I forgot the devil spawn not long after stepping off the plane in LAX and collecting my sparse luggage. I had a brief panic attack thinking that customs might decide that my Vegemite is “forbidden material” and confiscate it.
I never quite understood what people complain about with customs. I walked straight through after she asked me if I had anything to declare. I told her about my Vegemite and asked if I could please keep it as I might die if I didn’t. She laughed at me and waved me through. I didn’t even break my stride.
I walked out into the LAX sunshine and took a moment to breathe. I made it. Now to find my way to the Greyhound terminal so I could catch a bus to Las Vegas.
Problem #1: LAX was in construction mode so there was no information booth.
Problem #2: my phone didn’t have international roaming.
Problem #3: at 6am there are only other passengers to ask.
So I did what anyone else would do and jumped in a cab. First off, all these guys drive on the wrong side of the road. It was really discombobulating. I also noticed how flat everything was. So flat! The trees were different. The shrubs. They drove on the wrong side of the road. And there were no hills. Yes, very flat.
$65 later I was at the greyhound depot. What the fuck is it with all those highways? It felt like what should have been a 5 minute trip ended up being 20 mins! Instead of loosing my shit however, I figured what’s the harm, I’m on bloody holidays and I’ve just landed in a strange new world. I will be positive!
Rolled into the Greyhound station and waved my discovery pass at them allowing me a month of unlimited bus rides wherever and when I choose. (They have since gotten rid of these and it’s really upsetting making since I wanted to buy another one for next year) It took a bit of articulating before I got the person behind the counter to understand that I wanted a ticket to Vegas.
Finally climbed on the bus 10 minutes later and promptly fell asleep. Sleep. Ahhh how I had missed thee…
I woke up when we pulled into like a miniscule town that was a strip of road that had an eatery kind of thing on the side. Yes, the landscape was still flat. I’d been asleep for 2 hours. I got out and looked around. The birds were different. The sand looked the same. Trees were still different. And the cars were still on the wrong side of the road. I got a quick bite to eat before jumping back into the bus to snuggle into my luggage and get some more sleep.
Next stop Vegas.